This is an actual job application a 17-year-old boy submitted at a
McDonald's fast-food establishment in New Jersey...
NAME: Gregory Bultunstein
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But
seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky,
I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael
Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer
and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would
be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already
be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas
with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm
the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing
that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF
YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
