i read a blog earlier she made me realize how much i hate my life. not much to look forward to except death. oh and my kids milestones but other then that i dont think i'll find the love that was meant for me like in my favorite of all time song: "where is love.? dose it fall from skies above? is it under the willow tree that i've been dreaming of? where is she? the one i close my eyes to see. the one whose kisses and love was only meant for me." that song hurts to sing but it is how i felt ever since i saw the play back when i was 11 i cried then and i cry now. i'll never find it cause i dont think i really want to everything i touch i eventually screw it up. i got an ex that wants me back but its only cause no one wants her. i got a love in oklahoma that i wanted to spend my misserable life with but she lies about everything to keep me as a backup and i know this but like i say alot pain for me is a fettish and all it does is turn into lust. i would date but i hate the uncorfortableness of the whole meeting someone asking them out for them to say no or they say yes and now i gotta be even more unconfortable cause i hate poeple and we are in a public place with lots of people i would ask a woman from here since im sort of relaxed at least on here with you all but most live states away and probably think im cute. of course you could say you like me just to make me feel good about myself and for that thanx but i'm ok with who i am and have been for awhile. shit i cant even get a drink with anyone cause i dont do bar like it says in boo boo kitty fuck i will fight if i get to drunk and someone eggs me on. and to tell the truth i have a amazing balance when fighting drunk and can move like the wind. recently hangingout for me has been going to my house and getting drunk while building walls and fixing the floor. its gotten to the point where i want to go out but i have no one to go with. my brothers got under age wives and i only have yall as friends. tonight i get to go get drunk at my brothers house and do tattoos for this party im throwing but it turns out no one is comeing so i'll be tattooing my brothers and there girls(literally) then im sure after we're all inked up we'll go outside and sword fight with bamboo stalks. but i doubt that will happen either cause i no longer feel like do anything. i stare out my door and wonder whats next who do i gotta get out of jail next. why cant i have somewhere to go someone to be with and then i remember im a freak. an ugly, crazy, depressed, drunken loser. my only use in life is a babysitter and someone to use as you see fit lol well i gotta go run errands for everyone else TTFN
