So I went to the grocery store today. This is usually an easy task to perform, assuming you are a normal person. You get there, get the groceries you need, pay for it, then leave. I, however, am not normal. I got there at a decent time, about 5pm, maybe closer to 6, I'm not exactly sure. I was probably doing about 45mph when I drove into the front door of the building (don't worry, no one was hurt). Immediatly I dove out of the windshield and shards of glass riddled the skin of all the curious bastards surrounding my car. You know what they say, "curiousity shoots pieces of glass at cats". Anyways, I ran straight across the store, and I did it pretty fast. I wasn't looking at my watch, so I'm not sure how fast I was going, but parts of my clothes had started on fire.
I could have easily doused the flames with an ice spell or something, but I didn't want to waste my mana, so I just took all my clothes off. I was just where I wanted to be, though, in the aisle with all the kitchen utensils. I needed a spatula. Not just any spatula, I wanted a really sweet one. That way when I have an all-nighter sexy party with lots of chicks, and probably some dudes too, I can make them omlets and pancakes and stuff for breakfast... in style! So as I am looking through the small collection of spatulas, this jerk-face actually has the nerve to confront me. "What's the matter with you! My wife is practically bleeding to death over there! She's covered in broken glass and flames!" I was so offended by this asshole's behavior that I turned around to confront him.
What I didn't know at this time is that aside from being naked, I also had a huge monster boner. So as I am turning my wang slaps him and cuts him in half. It was sooo gross, there were pieces of him everywhere! But get this, he was full of cotton candy! That's right, cotton fucking candy!!! So I grab myself a few handfulls and stuff my mouth, then get back to the spatula shopping. I find this neat one that shoots out lasers and stuff, so I bought it. Well, I didn't really "buy" it, I just kind of ran out of the store naked with it clutched in my hands. And do you want to know what really bothered me about that? A grown man running out of a store nude with a spatula and laughing maniacally, and no one stopped me! They just stood by and watched, probably because I was white and that scares people. People fear The Man. Since my car was thrashed to shit, I just jumped down the first sewer I saw and onto the back of my trusty alligator, Simon. Now Simon is no ordinary alligator who lives in the sewer and eats small children who disobey their parents. Oh no, Simon was a racing alligator. He cleared the Beggar's Canyon run in under 11 parsecs. So in the blink of a normal person's eye (since I blink 10 times the speed of light, fast enough that each time I blink my eyelids travel back in time to a time when I didn't feel the urge to blink, which is why people never see me blink) I arrived at my house.
I threw my spatula into the kitchen drawer and headed back to my room so I could check on all my stock market investments and other imporant stuff like that. [Note: If you ever notice me going into my bedroom alone, that is why.] So I get in my room and see that a cat has thrown up on my floor, again. My first reaction to this is to be upset, naturally. So using my amazing willpower I open a portal to an alternate dimension that I made in my spare time. I banish the cat into damnation in the abyss, and then take a nap. When I woke up I had noticed that my entire bedroom was beautifully painted and cleaned. This is because, unlike normal Humans, my body actually moves around doing random tasks while I rest. One time I was real tired and when I woke up I had slain an entire tribe of pygmy elephants. Serious. Anyway, back to the story, I wake up and go upstairs to make some pancakes or drugs or something with the laser-guided spatula. But hey, guess what? While I was asleep a frozen turkey has creeped out of the freezer and fused with my spatula, creating a cyborg turkey from Hell.
So I'm all like "no" and stuff. And immediatly I pull this wicked awesome sword out of thin air. The turkey was like "yes" and shot some missles at me, and they exploded everywhere. I was blasted back into the basement (my bedroom) and I fell onto a pile of cats. The turkey just stood at the top of the stairs and shot its lasers all over, scanning for life. So me, having a vast knowledge of cyborgs, began throwing cat after cat against the walls and ceiling. The turkey locked onto each one and started firing rockets all over the place like crazy. Finally I took this stupid fatass cat, Stinky, and chucked him right at the turkey using my strength. The turkey fired an H-bomb or something to try to kill it, but the bomb was so big it killed the turkey too. I was fine. So then I went back into my room all pissed and hungry and didn't have anything fun to do, so I came on MySpace and wrote some stupid blog for all you lesser beings to read and wish you were as cool as me, but you aren't, so stop.
btw, please rate my random meaningless blog!ty!
