when i started high school i was still hanging out with the same crowd that i hung out with in junior high. this group consisted of good girls with good grades. they were all in the honor society & they were all virgins. i dunno why i was accepted by this group. but they were always who i hung around at school...my brothers referred to them as "the preps". i made good grades. but i was nothing like these girls. & i certianly did not dress like them. i was WEIRD. especially in 8th grade! i dressed in my grandpa's old clothes (striped shirts & I had this black suit jacket of his that i always wore) i made my own sloppy shirts that i made & i just didn't care how i looked. my favorite band was Mr. Bungle. that pretty much says it all in a way! i was 14 & very impressionable. Mr. Bungle's weirdness rubbed off on me & i did & said alotta embarassing shit that year. i just got odd looks from my friends. but it came to be expected. i was just the "freak" of the group.& that continued when i started my freshman year. i had turned 15 over the summer & had a boyfriend. his name was scott. we had a very rocky relationship to say the least. we broke up right before school started but got back together for a few weeks & i was wearing his class ring to school everyday. & that was my groups goal....to find a boy & wear his ring.i was just going along with the group! & when i lost that ring when we broke up again i lost that power & i became invisible. i sat with "the preps" everyday at lunch & felt outta place. in P.E. class i noticed a new girl. i heard a few girls talking to her & found out she just moved here from germany. so i thought she was a foriegn exchange student! i thought she was german! she was also in my "child development/parenthood" class. she sat at a different table that always seemed to be having a good time. i didn't talk to her that much but over time i noticed that she was funny...& she was rude & sarcastic! so i started waving at her when i saw her walking home from school. & we talked in gym clas all the time. we soon started to sit together in parenthood class. & our teacher even "got us confused cos we were always together". just cos she was embarassed that she was looking at me & called me "amber"! we looked at each other & laughed & rolled our eyes. (typical high school girl's reaction!!!) the big step in our newfound friendship was when, one day--outta the blue-- i just stopped sitting with my "prep" friends at lunch & went & sat with amber at her table. they were mostly sophmores & a few seniors. but they were girls that were not popular & everyone labeled them "freaks". i finally found my tribe!!! i would meet amber & her sister brandi uptown just to walk around. until they had to go home because their parents were strict. they lived with their younger brother t.j. & their mom & stepdad joe. joe was an asshole!!! they had been living with their biological dad in germany & moved here to go to school..so my freshman year ended...amber & brandi & t.j. went to spend the summer in germany. i started hanging out with jamie g. cos she was dating my brother joseph. so we became best friends while amber & brandi were gone.the school year started without them cos they were still in germany. i was in a class called "interpersonal relations" & amber was also supposed to be in that class. we had the same teacher that we had for "child development" & "parenthood". so since we were "always together" the teacher asked me if i knew where amber was. & i told her she was still in germany & wouldn't start school until the following week. i was so excited when she finally got back. i'm not sure if we even had any classes together the first semester (besides the one i already mentioned) but we spent more time together after school. when she was allowed to go somewhere that is...the school had a tv/radio station(called KISS) & that's how we spent 2-3 hours after school atleast once a week. sometimes more--it depended on who was signed up.we passed notes in the hall & that's how we kept in touch thru out the day until lunch where we'd discuss when we'd be going up to KISS. second semester i tried to switch my classes to be with amber but the guidance couselour caught on so she wouldn't let me!!! but amber got to switch one class so she dropped a class to take art history with me.she wanted me to join cheerblock with her but i did not! i went to her house after school one day & amber dyed my hair green. her parents were working on the house that year & the floor was wood but didn't have a finish put on it yet & i dripped green dye onto the floor & it was still there years later....they had to put the finish over my mess!! ooops! anyway---sophmore year was a confusing year.( i could/should do an entire zine about it...& maybe i will!!!) jamie g. had moved away & i was angry at her for leaving me. i got closer to amber & brandi but i had more than one falling out with amber that year. i was just a bitchy confused little girl. i made friends with an evil girl named erin that made me believe that amber & jamie g. talked shit about me behind my back & i got pissed. jamie would come & visit amber & brandi (but not me) & for some reason i was paranoid & thought they were all against me. erin made me think that...i came to my senses when amber pulled me aside one day at lunch & she was upset & all i did was yell at her. my hard shell fascade totally softened when i saw tears in her eyes & i felt so bad ....she was about to cry & i couldn't believe she cared. i really thought she didn't. i felt terrible. so we hugged & we made up & then it was us against erin the rest of the school year. high school girls are the worst! jealousy & competition....not just with boys--with girls too. erin wanted me for herself. she wanted me to be her best friend so she turned me against the girls that were actually my best friends. what an evil bitch! i'm just as much to blame. especially when it happened a second time. i wrote off all my friends as 'bitches' when i started seeing my ex boyfriend tim again. i thought they were jealous that i was spending time with him. but that was me--anytime amber had a boyfriend i was jealous. not that she had a boyfriend...but becos it took her attention away from me. i didn't get to spend time with my best friend becos she had to spend time with her boyfriend.so i'd pout & not speak to her for awhile. i'd get over it but it was so stupid! i shouldn't have felt that way in the first place but i guess that's how most 16 year old girls are.amber & brandi were off to germany for the summer again! i started hanging out with a group of boys cos they didn't fuck me over like my girl friends did. so i snuck out of the house to drink in graveyardswith them a few times. i would drink ONE beer & not get drunk & just stand around & laugh with the guys. sometimes other girls would be there. but they were there to fuck the guys. they'd run off to have sex while i just stood around with the guys cos i was one of the guys. my friend luke said he thought i was cool cos i didn't care how i looked. i wasn't worried about how my hair looked or always messing with my makeup in the mirror,,,,um,...thanks?!! i guess.junior year started. jamie g. was back. i made up with amber. everything was cool at first. but i started feeling neglected. at lunch i felt outta place & alone. amber had a new best friend...amy. jamie was there but sometimes she'd wander off to another table. brandi had a different lunch period & i was just feeling very lonely. amber was dating a boy from my old guys group so now she was hanging out with my friends. so there was another thing for me to be pissed about!!! i stopped speaking to her becos one day in english class she told me she's come & get me taht night & we'd go ride around in her new car. she never showed up. the next day at school she was talking to someone else about how much fun they had the night before & i was enraged! i thought she excluded me on purpose. so i gave her the cold shoulder.amber statred dating a boy named erik. i hated that guy. i quit school in november...i was cut off from everyone at school. i remember going to GED classes & leaving a note in amber's locker. i started visiting her & jamie g. on their lunch period. i hung out with amber a few times...one day i was walking down her street & she pulled up behind me & picked me up & she told me she was pregnant. i felt so bad for her but i think she got pregnant on purpose cos she wanted a baby. she invited me to the baby shower. i didn't go but i bought her baby (Kaleb) a baby book & took it to her. i held kaleb when he was 3 days old. i was proud of her....but i stil hated erik. i didn't see amber that much. we'd hang out every once in awhile. but for the most part she wasn't "allowed" to hangout with her friends becos of erik. i spent most of my time hanging out with jamie g. & sometimes brandi would even come over. in 1997, brandi got pregnant. she had a girl & named her victoria. i would babysit for her in early 1998. in march of that year i was very bored & went up to the local annual car show, thinking maybe i'd see jamie g. there. she was no where to be found but i ran into amber. i went to her apartment & hung out with her & kaleb & brandi & her boyfriend david showed up & i had fun. a few weeks later i saw her brother t.j. & i asked if he knew where amber was & he replied "probably at her apartment." i'd only been there once & wasn't even sure if i would remember which apartment was hers..but i did so i knocked on her door & she was happy to see me! her & erik broke up & he got a new girlfriend so that was the main reason i was able to spend the entire summer cruising with amber & hanging out at her house almost everyday. we were always together that summer....that was a really good summer. i miss that time period. & i miss how much fun we had & i miss our friendship from that summer...it was the BEST. words can't explain....but that fall the magic was gone. i was babysitting brandi's daughter all the time & she was driving me crazy. i didn't wanna be babysitting all the time. i was only 20. i wanted to have FUN...."if i wanted a kid i'd have one ",was my philosophy...brandi got so behind on paying me she owed me over $100 ...that was the last straw. i stopped babysitting victoria & that was the end of our friendship. & my friendship with amber ended too. that was in 1999. i lost track of amber when she got back together with erik & they moved somewhere else. i think she had another kid or 2...i dunno if her & erik ever got married ...but i saw erik at a bar all the time in 2000. he was hanging all over girls but said he was still with amber. he told me brandi moved to piqua, then another time i saw him he told me it was troy & the last time i asked he said she moved to tennesse!! so it was hard to tell if he was lying....i couldn't get a straight answer from him. i saw amber at a local convience store & said "hi" to her sometime after that. i'm not sure when it was....the last time i saw her was in 2002 when i was on a payphone & i saw her going into a store. i didn't speak to her & i'm not sure she even saw me....that was the last time i ever saw her.for all i know i have seen her but just didn't realize it was her. cos i look different. so she might too. she may not recognize me. maybe we've passed each somewhere & didn't know it. i still have dreams about her sometimes. we run into each other & hang out & things go back to the way the were when we were younger. which is something that would never happen in reality. we are totally different people now...last summer i heard that brandi had breast cancer. i couldn't believe it. i haven't heard anything about it since then so i dunno if she's even still alive. i wanted to find her & amber so bad....but i dunno here to find them. i dunno if i will ever see her again. I MISS MY FRIEND AMBER.
