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About me..Part one growing up was for real fucked up and it was all i had though..at the time weather it was bad ...or good....or the in betweens... my parents.. i loved my mother as i loved my father.. i thought she was was like a mom anyone would probably think of there mother.. I realized later..as i grew she played favorites ...she played all...she was good at it she never showed true feelings of love by hugging or saying I love you but my dad told me once when i was growing up, i love you..and b4 he died ( which i seen happen) I hate those visions that still linger ... as i went threw a period of a messed up adult decisions i had to make he was there. anyways.. im telling you things of how i seen it things growing up..and how i think about things now .. what happened till there end ..this is me..and i dont talk about certain other things.. not that i cant its cuz i wont ..its cuz its personal..but what i said so far is really me.. like me or not..i am who i say i am.. look for me...its like...what was done,,said ..threw the years..the feelings..love and no love... family shit alot on me ..how i was treated.. why i think this way i dont know... I feel hate alot of the time for them at, at times and at the sametime..I feel sorry for em and some of it is forever gone...Im happy sometimes about it i miss certain things... no they werent murdered but they are dead dad died of cancer mom had a fatal heart attack he went b4 her in 97 her 99 my brother 2000 died in jail from a lung infection..so they say we didnt have normal xmas's we were lucky to have one and it wasnt mostly if we had the money or not.. it was cuz my dad i remember would get moody. Id watch him hit my mother ..always it was around holidays he would get mad at shit i never knew why..but i see now he was just that way since they all died..i have dreams These dreams take place in a house with many rooms.. I feel like im always running from things in them dreams.. wars..wierd shit that makes no sense... and they trigger feelings when i talk about it all. things i wont talk about normally. im not talking about what all happened because im trying to stay away from those feelings just tellin ya basically what I am about Dad would take me to church..we were Catholic well like at xmas and easter holidays mostly my mom wouldnt go but i liked church it was comfort and sense of authority..in a good way..a kid should learn about and have those good things in there hearts lease thats what i thought then..now i dunno..havent been there..lately my sisters... have nothing better to do but to judge me..as if they should talk. everyone of them i have to say something about,,sandy,debbie, sis, pam and tammy..( candy lisa and rhonda died as babys) I had 2 brothers..one i mentioned and the other was aborted. Friends... well i wont even go there..i dont see any of them since i have grown. I was really a loner growning up they were jelious..them feelings of wanting to stab me in the back..why? for being a true friend? My kids.. I have a son and a daughter,,,i adore them..both gave me a grandson. both went threw high school,, and no matter what..as much as they hated me back then for makeing them go threw school..they see now i was right. Im married.. You probably didnt know that,now you do.. Im sure you wantthe scoop on this and i will say more sometime.. Lets just say..for a very long time now..people listen as i speak..dont say shit to me..dont even think about judgeing me.. when i we talk about these things and its like...something i have to get out. You reading this.. if you say something to me..mean it when you say it... then and stick to it My Wall is up...i know you know what the wall is ...on guard wall..Mines up all the time.. So if you think im quiet..bitchy..stuck up..whatever goes threw ur minds..remember I am me as you are you..we all go threw alot in our lives.. For my things wont go away.. It just happens in different ways now.
