TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER
>
> BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE
>
> Dear Mr. Thatcher
>
> I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and
> I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm)
> or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horse riding or salsa
> dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach
> in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your
> revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough
> to realise how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell
> you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16
> in my pants.
>
> Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
> 'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my 'time of the month' is
> starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
> violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body
> will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call
> 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
>
> As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen
> quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'
> monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the
> bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
> swings, crying and out-of-control behavior. You surely realise it's a
> tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer
> fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George
> Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was
> written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
>
> The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that the UK is just
> crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the
> reason for my letter.
>
> Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach
> inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and
> there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy
> Period.'
>
> Are you *+*#*ing kidding me?
>
>
> What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really
> think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible
> during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least
> bit pleasurable?
>
> Well, did it, James?
>
> FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be
> anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on
> Nurofen and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't
> march down to the local Tesco's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy
> plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
>
> For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a
> moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
> something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put Down the Hammer' or
> 'Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong'? - Or are you just picking on us?
>
> Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective
> immediately, there will be an £8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
> chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
> certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
> brand of condescending bullsh1t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
>
> Yours
>
> Wendi Aarons
