me being who i am....i hated the camera...it was something that made it impossible for me not to look at myself and see the disappointment that set into my soul with every flash of that tainted lens.....as of late i have posted so many pictures of myself..and every time i look into them i dont seee the disappointment and turmoil any longer...i see someone who the camera makes beauty sufonified...i see me...crazy as it sounds...noone can comprehend what is in my mind....unless they have been there too...all in all.....i was a women who was faithfully intrigued into one man for ten yrs....a man who i thought love would prevail thru every and all compications thrown our way...but in the end ...our love could not withstand the turmoil and torture....we hit bottom so many times only to pick up and start anew....but after the death of my dear daughter savannah....everything just seemed to stop curing itself....the hate grew stronger and the tears flowed faster....his anger grew intolerable and his fists stung like sharp knives on wounded flesh....now i dont blame him for it all....life jsut changed i=him in a way that we could not make right the wrongdoings given to us.....but in the end i was the one who stayed in the failed marriage as long as i did and took every last hit and vengeful scream thrown my wayuntil i jsut cldnt take ti anylonger and threw my own dismay his way for him to only walk out the door and return jsut to make me suffer a little more....fall for my good friend and lie in face as they loved in my house....as he loved me and talked of things working out and getting helpo and blah blah blah....but in the end...i was the dumb one on his stick...i was the one who believed in our ove and gave in to the temptation in his eyes.....why? i hav eno idea to this very day...but to finally say it is help in its own right.....to finally get off my chest what he has done is a step to a new me....it is far from the whole stroy of the things that happened...so much more was done and undone...but in the end...the marriage failed itself......will i ever return if he knocks on my door? NO.....i will always hold love for him nomatter what i say or do...but the pain and hurt will always succumb any emotions i have for him....he will always be my grievance for placing me and his children in the place we had to lead.....well to end this i guess i cld say tata to all...but i will jsut say...love the ones you are with....dont hurt deceive or taint the love u share....no one can say for sure what love is exactly not even I...but i have lived a life of things you could only imagine ...and i would never want anyone to end up the way i did...it is not a life to brag about...it is a life though....i am alive and my children are standing tall right by my side...holding me up when i feel im gonna fall...and lovng me when all else fails.....put it this way....when you have loved you will know it...lust and love are two different things and dont confuse them if you ever consider yourself to love.....dotn ever question ones love for you either....to question ones love for youis to say that love does not truely exist and it blackens the love you think you have for them.....i wish i could love again or at least understand the meaning of it...but the hurt i have overcome has made it impossible for me to even think of loving another...maybe someday....but for now...i am me.....and my childrens love is the only true love i believe in.....until next time...lisa anne
