What would happen if suddenly, magically, men could menstruate and women could not?
The answer is clear: menstruation would become an enviable, boast-worthy, masculine event ... Men would brag about how long and how much.
Boys would mark the onset of menses, that longed-for proof of manhood, with religious ritual and stag parties.
Congress would fund a National Institute of Dysmenorrhea to help stamp out monthly discomforts.
Sanitary supplies would be federally funded and free. (Of course, some men would still pay for the prestige of commercial brands such as John Wayne Tampons, Muhammed Ali's Rope-a-dope Pads, Joe Namath Jock Shields - "For Those Light Bachelor Days," and Robert "Baretta" Blake Maxi-Pads.)
Military men, right-wing politicians, and religious fundamentalists would cite menstruation ("MENstruation") as proof that only men could serve in the army ("you have to give blood to take blood"), occupy political office ("can women be aggressive without that steadfast cycle governed by the planet Mars?"), be priests and ministers ("how could a woman give her blood for our sins"), or rabbis ("without the monthly loss of impurities, women remain unclean").
Male radicals, left-wing politicians, and mystics, however, would insist that women are equal, just different; and that any woman could enter their ranks if only she were willing to self-inflict a major wound every month ("you MUST give blood for the revolution"), recognize the preeminence of menstrual issues, or subordinate her selfness to all men in their Cycle of Enlightenment.
Street guys would brag ("I'm a three-pad man") or answer praise from a buddy ("Man, you are lookin' good") by high-fiving and saying, "Yeah, man, I'm on the rag!"
TV shows would treat the subject at length. ("Happy Days": Richie and Potsie try to convince Fonzie that he is still "The Fonz," though he has missed two periods in a row.) So would newspapers. (SHARK SCARE THREATENS MENSTRUATING MEN. JUDGE CITES MONTHLY STRESS IN PARDONING RAPIST.) And movies. (Newman and Redford in "Blood Brothers!")
Men would try to convince women that intercourse was more pleasurable at "that time of the month."
Lesbians would be said to fear blood and therefore life itself - though probably only because they needed a good menstruating man.
Of course, male intellectuals would offer the most moral and logical arguments. How could a woman master any discipline that demanded a sense of time, space, mathematics, or measurement, for instance, without that in-built gift for measuring the cycles of the moon and planets - and thus for measuring anything at all? In the rarefied fields of philosophy and religion, could women compensate for missing the rhythm of the universe? Or for their lack of symbolic death-and-resurrection every month?
Liberal males in every field would be kind to women: the fact that "these people" have no gift for measuring life or connecting the universe, the liberals would explain, that should be punishment enough. ...
***********************************************************************************
A young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest.
''Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.''
''Tell all of your sins, my daughter.''
''Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times,'' she says.
The priest thinks about this long and hard and says, ''Take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass and drink it.''
''Will this cleanse my soul of my sins?''
''No,'' the priest says, ''but it'll wipe that smile off your face!''
***********************************************************************************
I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
"Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now!
I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!
She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway", "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled...
...so I told her to f**k off.
***********************************************************************************
A man goes to his doctor's and says, "Doc, I've just been raped by an elephant!"
The stunned doctor replies, "What makes you say that?"
"Well," says the man holding his hands about a foot or so apart, "my asshole feels this big!"
"Bend over, and let me have a look," says the doctor.
The guy bends over and sure enough, his asshole is about ten inches across.
"But I thought that elephants only had a long, thin penis?" states the doctor.
"Yeah, I know," says the agitated man, "but it fingered me first!"
***********************************************************************************
A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl"
The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl' - the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" - says the man. "Oh, what are you then?
"The man says: - "I am an Iraqi!"
The next day the newspapers says:
"Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog."
***********************************************************************************
One unfortunate day, Bill Clinton and the Pope both died, Clinton was condemned to Hell and Pope was going to be sent to Heaven. But this all got muddled up and they were sent to the wrong places. So, an angel was sent down to Hell to get the Pope and a devil was sent up to get Clinton, as they were being led towards their destination, they met in the middle. "I'm really looking forward to meeting the Virgin Mary," the Pope said. "Ermm, you're 5 minutes too late," replied Clinton.
***********************************************************************************
There were 3 girls, a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde. There was this magic mirror, and if you said a lie in front of it, you would disappear.
The redhead went up to it and said "I am the prettiest girl in the world" Poof, she disappeared.
The brunette went up to the mirror and said "I think I am the prettiest girl in the world" Poof, she disappeared.
The blonde went up to the mirror and said "I Think..." Poof she disappeared.
***********************************************************************************
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the Porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abler died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little barstard.
***********************************************************************************
A man goes into the psychiatrist's office and tells the doctor that he needs help over comming an obsession. "All I think about, day and night, is fucking a sheep. It's driving me nuts."
"I see," said the doctor. "Would that sheep be a ram or a ewe?"
"Why a ewe of course," replied the patient indignantly. "What do you think I am, a pervert or something?"
