PAIN IS AN ILLUSION's blog: "A day in the life of illusion"

You made me complete with one look in your eyes. You told me of what is to be. You looked in my heart and found nothing but love. You allowed me to become a daddy :). Nothing can touch what I feel right now. Im addicted to you and our love. Regardless of what has become of my past. I can now look at something above. Something that means the world to me after losing the world I once had. You are my life and I love you to death. Thank you for letting me become a dad. I love you with every ounce of my soul, my heart, my life. Theres just no way I could not let you in so yes, I would love you as my wife. 7 and a half more months and then the light will shine. Everything is coming together. Im so thankful you are mine.

Where do I begin in this maze I have created? I dont know which way to go. Im confused for what lies deep inside. Maybe its starting to show. Inside this maze is confusion and anxiety. Its kept so well within. Im learning where to turn in life but the sun must set again. I seek for what is lost in me. Im findind out more every day. Ive searched my heart for what is left. I was starting to feel okay. Its fading now along with this hope and I feel like I cant hold on. This newness that was flooding me has decided to run, now gone. So through this maze I try to seek a way to be released. I try to find the hope that fades. My heart needs to be pleased. An emptiness that chokes me out. Conciously I am aware. That in this maze I have created. Im the only one here. Lost, thats what I feel. Do I want to be lost? No. I wont give up, I will escape. So which way do I go?

You give me understanding. You calm my fears. You take me to a place where I have never been before. Your words are like fairies celebrating the dance of a rebirth. My life. Your life. Our life. A celebration of hearts now joined in togetherness. A perpetual bliss that stems from an imaginary kiss. Our souls connect and we are together on a new level of life. One that we create. One that seems so strong in connection. I feel you. You feel me. We feel together and that is all that matters. Not this invisible line which soon will be crossed. Us. We are what matters. Always.

Life is so short and we fail to see the meaning of being free. It means everything to me. Its how I want to be. A choice was given to live or die I choose life and this is why. I dont want to die or make my loved ones cry. I cant give up, I will go on. Im finding that I am that strong. My road and journey has been so long. But I would rather live right instead of wrong. Ive made mistakes and payed the cost. See I have had my freedom lost. Prison guards became my boss. Thats the path that I want off. Me and life go hand in hand. I wont give up even though I can. I know now that Im a better man. I have the strength to finally stand. Its been a road of ups and downs and still i have true friends around. No longer do i feel like the clown who painted his smile into a frown. My frown has turned the other way and today I know I will be okay. I can back up what I say. Today is a day that my worlds not grey.

Last night I sat out with the stars and gazed wondering if they could hear the silent wishes I send. Truly beautiful in the glow they bask in. It reminded me of being with friends. Last night I sat out with them and pondered many, many, many thoughts of life. I pondered the reflections of myself in my eyes. I pondered the moments of all my strife. Last night my mind was far away from usual. I focused on things deep down that I felt. I tried to see beauty where none once stood. It was the stars, like eyes, watching me melt. Last night in that glow that shined from above I seen pictures of memories that I tried to forget. It was almost like real yet known to be past. The memories suppressed for so long I kept. So today I woke up and sat back outside. This was what my blue eyes seen. Malachi playing with dragon flies. Oh what the sight has done for me. So precious is he, my dog and my life. Tranquility washed me of so much stress. Just seeing him shine in the sun and his smile. I was able to get so much off my chest. I actually seen beauty today instead of pain. My mind was away from whats usually there. I wasnt content til I opened my eyes and seen the impression of memories near. My heart was the feeling that long went away and for some reason today I allowed it to feel. Just seeing and believing that I'll be okay. Today more than ever that feeling was real

I wake up each day regretful. Regretful that my eyes even opened. Im so tired of all the chaos. Im tired of always coping. My life seems like a mistake to me when I think about the past. So many regrets and not enough joys. How long does misery last? I need to find an escape for me to break away for good. See everything is hard right now and if I knew what to do, I would. The anguish for the losses and tears. The laughter that hasnt been heard. The suffering for the wasted years. The silence in an unspoken word. My eyes are tired and seen too much. I just want to fade away. Close them for the permanance. Will tomorrow be ok?

Ive been thinking a lot lately about my life. Its never made sense to me. All Ive known is joys turned pain. Its time to set this free. The help that I have given friends has left me in the dark. Some were there and some did care. Others ripped me apart. Its come to this, my final wish, to just remain asleep. To say goodbye would do no good. How many people would weep? Dont cry for me, just lend a smile because I left it all. I needed help and was left alone so I alone took the fall. Thats how its been for so very long, my kindness taken for weakness. Imagine me in the coffin of freedom, wearing the suit made of neatness. I see this vision approaching fast and please do not ask why. Just rest assured that Im alone My eyes too dry to cry. Its sad to you but relief for me cus Im tired of feeling like this. Ill close my eyes and reunite in death with those I miss.

Here I am as a man. Me and me alone. Here to love with all my heart. Here to take you home. Ive seen the wrong. Ive seen the right. We have what it takes to win any fight. Youve begun to erase me the past that once was gloom. Now Im in your life. You are my full moon. In you I see a purpose. A reason to believe. I see a brighter future. Im staying. I wont leave. Youve got me so completely. Youve got me all the way. It just takes one thought of you and everythings ok. I love you Janette. I have right from the start. Youve broke down all the walls I built and now youre in my heart.

I wrote this for a friend that is like a sister to me basically and it was my way of saying you are not alone. Understand that people care. Understand that they will be there. You are not alone in this battle you fight. Dont ever give up. Just get through the night. Youve been through a lot. Its not hard to see. The sadness in your words remind me of me. I too at one time felt sorrow and pain. The sun was removed and all I found was rain. You have what it takes to make it on through. Youve got your sister and me. We are here for you. In a word or a hug. The gesture is shown. Know in your heart. You are far from alone. Right now is a test to see what you need. Find it within. Eliminate the people of greed. Your feelings do matter. Dont ever think less. When you feel bottled up. Get it off of your chest. Talk and cry. Please dont hold it in. Rise above your fears. Tell yourself you will win. Sis, you can do it. You just gotta believe. Set your sights far. Believe and achieve.

I wanna take you there to that place that only comes in a dream if you know what I mean. A perfect image that comes from the bliss of a soft sensous kiss Can you begin to tell me if this is what you miss? I see it in your eyes when I stare at an image thats not really there.... at all... and I begin to slowly fall. It is possible to explore what the mind cant see with creativity. Such as the kind I have in me