Jake next door was on his deathbed. His wife Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face.Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.'My darling Susan,' he whispered. 'Hush, my love,' she said.'Rest. Shhh. Don't talk.' He was insistent.'Susan,' he said in his tired voice. 'I have something I must confess to you.''There's nothing to confess,' replied the weeping Susan.'Everything's all right, go to sleep.''No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend and your mother.''I know,' she replied. 'That's why I poisoned you.'
Apparently Posh and Becks have been hounded out of the UK and set off to Spain to play football and buy a ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years they are in financial trouble. Years of designer clothes and Brooklyns Pokemon habit have taken their toll In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock. Posh looks at the bank balance then takes their last 600 out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells David when I get there, I decide to buy the bull, Ill contact you to drive out after me and bring it home. Posh arrives at the mans ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her he can sell it for 599Euros,no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send David a telegram to tell him the news. She walks into the Telegraph office and says, I want to send a telegram to David Beckham telling him that Ive bought a bull for our ranch. I need him to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can take it home. The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her then adds Its just 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, Posh only has that 99 cents left. She realises that she'll only be able to send David one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, I want you to send him the word, Comfortable. The telegraph operator shakes his head How is he ever going to know that you want him to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send him the word comfortable? Posh explains, Davids stupid. He'll read it slow.
A woman teache mate of mine was teaching her kindergarten class recently when she noticed a little boy at the back of the class squirming around,scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back
to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just
recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. She told him to go down to the head teacher's office, phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did, and returned to class. Suddenly, there was a huge commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your Mum." The teacher shouted. "I did," he said, "She told me if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up."
There were several men sitting around in the changing room of my Squash club after exercising. On of them pulls a very small fluorescent pink ladies thong from his bag and starts to put it on. His mate says..."How long you been wearing that"
He says"Ever since my wife found it stuffed down the back seat of my car!"...
Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?""Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?""Yes.""Great! I'm at the Shopping Centre and I've just seen a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?""What's the price?""Only $1,500.00.""Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much...""Ah, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2006 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?""Only $60,000...""OK, but for that price you should get it with all the options.""Great! But before we hang up, something else...""What?""It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the Estate Agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with an indoor pool, landscaped garden, acre of park area, and fantastic sea view...""How much are they asking?""Only $850,000 - a magnificent price ... and I see that we have that much in the bank and the stock portfolio to cover...""Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $720,000 and settle for $780,000.-. OK?""OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!! - Bye..."The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand holding the phone up in the air and asks all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?" Weeeeee!
