Subject name: Dustin Shane Roberts. Occupation: College freshman, Package Handler (Damn you, UPS...) Jehovah's Bystander, Professional Ball-Buster, Terrorist Hunter, BASEketball Champion, 80's Pornstar.Height: Ten feet tall.Weight: A fuckin' ton.Do you ever wake up in the morning and realize that you are, in fact, so fantastically amazing that your fantastical amazingness actually causes physical pain? My mornings are like that. I brush my teeth with melted diamonds, and my fancy-dancy cartoon-thickness cigars are hand-rolled by the hungriest of Cuban orphans.Okay... Maybe not. But I'm a sucker for hyperbole. And contractions. And blatantly ignoring grammatical rules.I recently started working nights at UPS, loading trucks, so I'll likely be on at positively god-awful hours of the night. Before you ask, no, I do not wear the little brown shorts, unless you want me to, of course. The illustrious higher-ups at United Parcel Service have branded me with the unfortunate title of Package Handler. Let all innuendos begin... Now.I am 19, and yes, I do know that I look older. The average age people think I am is usually around 23-26. When I'm not busy kicking ass, chewing bubblegum, running out of bubblegum to chew and tripling my ass-kicking facility as a result of said lack of bubblegum, playing blackjack with God and Billy Mays, kickboxing with Korean dictators, baking souffles fluffed by my own tears, and finding sunken treasure while flirting with mermaids, I enjoy:1. Playing guitar2. Listening to music3. Reading4. Working out5. Killing time with friends6. Singing in my shower7. Attempting to cook.If you're tired of the usual bullshittery and skulduggery of online, alternative social networking, let me know, and we'll razz it around. Don't be shy. Don't let my shiny head intimidate you, it contains only eccentricity and morbid, self-loathing cleverness.