Satan's actually a pretty nice guy. I'm just this regular guy who watches pro wrestling and C-SPAN. Sure I rule hell and so on, but I'm not like the other guy, I'm approachable. I'm not full of myself, I don't bogart the joint just because I'm the fucking fallen morning star. I'm the first person ever with the balls to spit in God's coffee. But even so, if you want to hang with me, you gotta follow a couple rules. They aren't commandments exactly, because I'm willing to overlook a few infractions, you know, out of neighborliness. Again, I'm not like that other prick, just keep 'em in mind is all I ask. Don't kill people if you can help it. If they're bad people, Satan would rather have them out doing evil in the world. If they're good people, they go to heaven and nobody wants that. If you must fuck with people, better to make them say "why God why?" than "God help me." Real torture leads people to find their Inner Strength and shit, petty meanness makes people lose faith in each other. It's better to hit their dog with your car and then drive away laughing. Don't try to make the world a better place. I know this is a no-brainer but you'd be surprised the kind of goody two shoes want to be Satan's buds. Don't give money to Amnesty International or the NRA, or even the fucking Kiwanis club. Keep your cash for yourself, spend it on cigs and porn, put it in stocks bonds and IRAs, who gives a shit. Anyway the world is pretty much just how Satan likes it, and if I want it any different, I'll tell you. Don't try to tempt people to sin. It's a union thing, and believe me you don't want to scab on demons. Just kill puppies and leave the rest to the professionals. Oh, and don't get caught, asshole. You definitely won't do Satan any favors from inside a padded cell.