This is a blog I did about my husband..on MySpace..not sure if I have obession with death or dued to the fact I did the quiz on "when I'm going to Die"...it made me chuckle..now I can use it as excuse for any wrong doings? Or, I can repent for any wrong doings.
Death....
It's something you may be able to talk about, maybe not. You may break down and cry, maybe not. You may get mad at the person you have lost, maybe even blame yourself, maybe not. Is there a right or wrong way to mourn a loved one, I can't say. Will it take a long time to heal, only time can tell, maybe not.
It was March 20th, 2006, it was the first day of spring when I lost my husband Ron. Isn't the first day of spring supposed to mean, a new beginning of life? I can never feel that way again, it was the end for me. I remember the day being sunny, giving you the feeling the air would be warm, but it still had a winter chill.
I was at work, when I received the call, saying Ron was being rush to the hospital. I tried my best to hurry. I tried to think it wasn't serious. I didn't want to think the worst.
I tried to remember if I even said good bye when he left for work that morning. I'm sorry, I didn't tell you I loved you. I regret I never said how wonderful you were, and how lucky I was to have you. Is it too late?
When I arrived at the hospital, they lead me to a room, where I found Becky crying. In her eyes, I saw that I was to late. I heard her say she was sorry, I heard the doctor say he was sorry. They took me to Ron, he was so alone. They gave me some time to be alone with him.
Ron looked so peaceful, laying there. He had been so very tired for the past few months, endless nights of not able to sleep. I touched his hand, his face, tried to keep him warm. I was hoping, hoping that he would open his eyes one last time, to tell me everything would be okay. I told him I loved him, did he hear me. Did he hear me say I'm sorry. Did he see the tears in my eyes?
One by one, our children came in. it was hard for them to believe, that their Dad was no longer with them, to talk to, to joke with and to guide them. I found I had to be strong for them, not to let them see me look down. I tried my best.
The next few days, were like a bad dream. The sun was shiny, the birds were singing. I don't remember if I was mad or sad that the world didn't mourn with me. I realize it didn't stop for me, that it kept on going.
We tried to honor Ron wishes to make the funeral very simple, his ashes, we share in a locket around our necks. Hoping one day we can find a place to put his remaining ashes, to make him happy and at peace for him and us.
It'll be two years this March, I don't know if the healing gotten any better. We're each are different. I take each day one at a time, I cry when I'm alone, driving.
I try to remember him, promise to keep trying to be a better person, that's the way he would want me to be. I hope I don't fail him. My life won't ever be the same.
The children, I'm not sure how they are dealing with life without Ron. Mark, he doesn't share his feelings, I see the lost look in his eyes when he visit at home. David, though he wasn't really Ron's, he loved Ron just the same. Brian, scares me, I think he is trying to destroy himself, he didn't get to say he was sorry. They had a disagreement just a few days before. Sarah, very quiet, though we look at our grandson Ronnie to see if he looks anything like Ron. Becky, she shows her feelings, she talks about Ron and how he comes to her in her dreams. I envy her, because I don't remember too many dreams that Ron are in. It makes me sad, I would welcome him always.
I don't know what the future will bring for me, for my children I hope they find themselves, peace, love, faith and happiness. To know that their Dad loved them more then he loved himself, that he'll always will be with them. That he would want them to be the best that could be.
To Ron, I love you, forever and always.
