Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
>Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often
>Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car
>Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
>If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before
>My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance
>Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious
>A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person
>For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program
>If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip
>Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
>A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good
>Eat well, stay fit, and die anyway
>Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it
>No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes
>A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand
>Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places
>Opportunities always look bigger going than coming
>Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it
>There is always one more imbecile than you counted on
>Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again
>By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends
>Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator
It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat
>If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
>There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
>People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them
>You should not confuse your career with your life
>Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance
>Never lick a steak knife
>The most destructive force in the universe is gossip
>You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time
>You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment
>The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.
>Your friends love you anyway.
