I come here and talk to you because there are no family members or friends of the family on this site. Here I can say the things weighing heavily on my heart.. I needed you today so desperately! The doctor called with my results and it isn't good, mom. My kidneys are failing rather quickly. I'm going see a specialist but dialysis may not be an option. I'm scared mom... I don't know what I'm going to do.. The pain has been growing more intolerable and I fear that I'm in the end stage of kidney failure now. I could choose to die comfortably at home if I had one but it's only fitting I'll go in a cold empty room.. This life has done nothing but beat me down, kick me in the teeth and taken everything from me but I've survived! Looks like it's going to get me this time though. The only consolation I see is the possibility of getting to be with you again. I love mom!!!
Still so lost without you mom. I'm all alone now and have never felt as beaten down as I do now. With both you and dad gone, I have absolutely no one. You would be so disappointed in me and the abuse that I, once again, have found myself trapped in. I know that I have to leave somehow. I have no where to go mom and I am scared to death. I can't afford to have a place of my own and I don't know what I'm going to do. All I know is that I have to leave here before I'm carried out in a body bag. I've got seven days to figure out how to get my things out and what to do with all of it when I do. As for me... God I haven't a clue! I'll come sit with you for a while before I leave this place... I miss your strength and words of wisdom mom. I miss you!!!!!
Time hasn't softened the blow of your loss mom. Life has done nothing but kick me in the teeth since you passed away. So many lessons I've learned and twice as many regrets that I can't talk to you about. My karma has been""understanding".. I am now fully aware how you felt and I would give anything if I could turn back time, be a better daughter and ease the suffering you were going through. The depth of abandonment you felt... The emptiness that was consuming you... The overwhelming desire to to just lay down and give up the fight.. I understand now mom and I don't know how you held yourself together the way you did. To this day... You are, still, the strongest woman I've ever known! I love and miss you terribly.. :'(
They say it gets easier with time but it isnt the case... I miss you more with each passing day and my heartache only grows. I know you're finally at peace and resting in the arms of the angels but I would give anything to wrap mine around you one more time.. I love you mom...
