You haven't been a bachelor ......until ......

...until you drink a bottle of J. LOHR right from the bottle while burning a steak and studying the directions on the back of the minute rice box

 ...until you get kicked out of a bar on your birthday - not because you are raising hell, but because you look so lonely, depressed and pathetic that the management decides that, being there writing bad poetry, is not particularly inspirational scenery for the establishment's mass of happy, good poetry writing, paying customers.

...until you've had a car wreck with a motorcycle cop, sending him bouncing over the hood of your car to a resting place in the middle of Pacific Coast Highway; And, he stays there pretty still until the paramedics take him away while 100 police officers surround you - showing a degree of curiosity about the matter

...until that police officer that flew over your car that one time, sues you. But you win - not only the law suite, but also the court appointment you attend to fight paying the ticket that the curious other officers awarded you. A break even event all and all - can't beat that!

...until you've been seduced by two friendly accountants over twice your age, after they fail to score with your married dad who is faithful, yet never-the-less, usually the first target. Things go really well, ......until the accountants and you get ½ naked. Then, unfortunately, the friendly accountants decide they don't want to share. You pass out sometime shortly after the club med security team arrives to stop the fight and, evidently, offer separate accommodations for one of the accountants. You aren't exactly sure how things end up that night; however, by the time you wake up - asleep and still drunk, and, not a few seconds after you run out the accountant's door to the balcony to barf into the courtyard - that your parents and all the other guest's balconies encircle, you quickly become undoubtedly sure that you are butt ass naked accept for the condom that made its way on to you, yet clearly hasn't found it's way off.

...until you purchase a tombstone pizza at Osco drug store and stay awake long enough to put the pizza in the oven and let it slow roast for 8 hours in order to have it cooked thoroughly in time for an extra special breakfast you'll have waiting, and ready for you, when you awake

...until you remodel your college apartment with industrial grade mirrors cemented to the remaining walls that you haven't yet stapled painting canvas to, because apartments are too small and it seems much better to have a 3d perspective beach house with balconies and columns and marbled floors instead. You spend about 10 billion hours doing this instead of going to class, but at least you do a solid enough job that when the time to move out of state comes along, the mirrored, sculpted, murals that make you feel like Leonardo da vinci while painting, don't have to be torn off the walls after all. In preparation for the next resident moving in next week, the apartment rejuvenation task force arrives to begin their work as you begin to pack. It turns out that the artwork will not have to come off the walls, but due to some rule or statute, it is imperative that the beach house be removed from the apartment. Yea, that heavy duty industrial cement and stuff like that really works well. As with most challenges in life, a solution ultimately unfolds - thanks to the task force, whom, collectively, engineers the idea that: if they remove the walls that the beach house is cemented upon, then naturally, the offending modifications will be removed as well. Perfect! You finish packing your car by the time the task force gets all the walls torn down, and it's off to LA. Driving west it's comforting to know that your work of art will probably remain upon the walls it was originally affixed to, for a very long time. Best of all, you managed to get your entire security deposit back. You break even on this one - can't beat that. Fucking insane being a bachelor.