Everyone in the world has basically two things online right? A myspace and either xanga or livejournal or something. I just so happened to have all three and seeing how I'm so bored out of my mind right now I could run around in circles and be 100% thrilled I was like why not go back and read about what was going through your mind. All I can say was wow. Seriously what in the living fuck was I thinking.
Everything I said on my old live journal was completely me. Like with matt and what not. He was a good guy and I wasn’t all ‘Omg I’m going to die if me and him break up.’ I was just thrilled to the fact we were dating because that long ago I really did like him and then there was family stuff in there too. Like until about 20 minuets ago I forgot when David went to that mental hospital for a while L that was sad when that happened. And then theres everything that happened with Ryan…god I was so stupid. And then when Anthony died. I cried when I read that. I miss the fucking hell out of him. He didn’t deserve it. He was going into the army and he was picking his life back up. So in a matter of two monthes my brother went to a mental hospital, I dated and broke up with matt, Anthony died and I fucked around with one of my best guy friends. I mean when shit like that happens you find out who are really your friends and who doesn’t give a shit about you. So that was just my old live journal.
My xanga made me wanna throw up all over the place. What the FUCK was I thinking. Was I really “in love” with him. I couldn’t have been. I was just blind to everything that was happeneing. I mean granted I havnt been with andy that long at all but like the couple of days we have been together, I think I’ve smiled and laughed more then the entire time me and schoeny were together. Honestly. I just looking back to those couple entries because I didn’t have many in there and stuff but like I remember all that. My life was falling apart and all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and disappear from the world forever…yea I know that was almost the most emo thing to say ever but it was the truth. I wasn’t eating because I thought I was fat and shit because I was told I was…im not saying by who but take a wild guess…every time I turned around I was paranoid about what schoeny was doing when he wasn’t talking to me because I knew what was up but then we’d talk and I’d act like everything was fine. All we ever talked about half the time was sex. I mean think about it, if I had a bad day I’d always end up talking to someone else about it, never him, the one person in the world that was SUPPOSED to be there for me. And go figure who I always did end up going to. Andy.
I don’t even remember why I started getting a crush on him. Like I know when it was. I could actually tell you the day it was. Not the date but the day and stuff. It was his senior prom and like we talked basically all day until he had to leave. And like god, everything about him amazes me. There’s always a guy out there that you can sort of see yourself but your like no way that could never happen. I mean, looking back and thinking about it we both had massive problems with whoever we were going after or with at the time and we always bitched about it to each other and when the other person left, whoever was feeling like shit be it him or me left happy. Was that some sort of sign that mabe he was different. And like, for once he sees me for me not some chick that’s got a big rack, a nice ass and a cute face. He knows theres more to me then that and he’s basically one of the only guys to take the time to get that. I can straight out say he is basically the only guy I can talk to about anything. I mean even minus the fact we are together now. Before all that, I could tell him anything and no matter what the subject he was there. I don’t even know what I’m getting at with this whole thing. I really don’t. It’s just stuff that’s been running through my head all day.
And then there’s just him in general. Like on myspace and what not there’s surveys right? Well, when I’m hella bored I do them just because why not waste 15 to 20 minuets randomly answering utterly pointless questions. Ok honestly, every other question has to do with him somehow because EVERYTHING either makes me think of him, reminds me of something he said, reminds me of something we’ve talked about, something. I basically feel bad for anyone that took the time to read them (which is probably nobody so this is a pointless apology) because like..wow lol. It’s probably getting to the point that it’s annoying by now. But eh whatever, if it gets annoying to him, he’ll tell me and I’ll stop. I could care less if it was annoying to anyone else lol. Like I’m a girl so of course I’ve had the occasional guy stuck in my head but he’s stuck there for a couple minuets, mabe hours and that’s it. It goes away. With andy it's all different. I wake up in the morning, first thing I think about is him, at school I daze off and not pay one bit of attention because I can’t get him out of head, I’m constantly bringing him up to my friends. It’s nuts, but yet very much amazing. I wouldn’t want to have anyone else stuck in there but him. And like, lately we’ve been talking on the phone a lot more so like, his voice is stuck there too. And it is probably by far the most amazing voice ever. And then there’s the little stuff he does, that he probably doesn’t even realize mean the world to me. Like for instance last nite, he’s with his friends and I’m so used to just letting whoever it is go and not hear anything from them until they come back. Almost the entire time he was with them he was on the net talking to me and I kept wanting to be like, sweetie go hang with your friends but I know even if I said that he wouldn’t have left. And then he called me, and he was still with them and like yesterday was shitty day for me and stuff and omg, I laughed so hard. It was awesome. Or like his away messages lately have something to do with me and it’s like seriously the cutest thing ever.
I think I’m gonna stop now because it’s quite obvious I could continue writing until he got home from work about how much 1.) I love him 2.) how he amazes me 3.) how I’m the luckiest girl in the world to have him and 4.) how great of a guy I finally found and have. He’s perfect and I really really really really really really really really really really really really love him. (don’t ask about the many really’s lmao)
:)
