corporate punk's blog: "mindless insanity"

ive always considered myself a fairly smart person.  i hated school for years.  i hated always being good in math and science.  i hated i couldnt read fast.  i hated i always had to try so much harder to learn something then my sister.  i found a love for learning in college when i could actually experience and learn about things i actually liked and be around other people that liked those same things.  i hated always being forced into roles in sports that i never wanted.  pushed and pulled in directions i never dreamed of.  i loved it when i became rebellious.  i enjoyed disappointing all the coaches telling them i was going to focus on art and not be on the team.  i loved it when my teachers in first block realized i had talent and would allow me to focus on other projects during their class.  i enjoyed my math teachers that let me sleep off my hangover knowing i would still get an A on the test.

i spent so much time trying to please others and my parents and be the good kid that they wanted that i lost out on a lot of social skills.  also growing up in a semi small town and never being the popular one.  being the outcast.  being the socially awkward kid sitting in the corner that could entertain himself because no one else understood me.  being picked on for years because we were poor.  being picked on because i followed my own drum and not everyone else's.  i look back and realize the only reason i didnt get into so many fights was because i towered over everyone not because i had any real strength.

i hated being so afraid of life at a young age that i spent years thinking about suicide.  a 10 year old shouldnt be thinking of those things.  hiding in my room during summer months hearing kids outside playing wishing i could join them but when you can barely make a friend in a neighborhood full of kids your own age is tough thats what you do.  long days spent playing with action figures creating stories in your head.  going to the library weekly to read about people that seem fascinating.  spending years wondering what do you have to do to make people like you and afraid to make anyone mad when you do think you made a friend.  only for all those relationships to disappear after a few years cause they have their own circles to join in and you get left behind.

going into young adulthood still never knowing how to properly communicate with others completely blows.  never knowing how to start a conversation.  never knowing how to read body language.  never knowing how to gauge the direction of a conversation.  always waiting for others to steer the ship.  being a natural leader and not knowing how to talk to others is a complete mind bender.  completing tasks and taking charge of situations when you werent the leader to begin with makes you out to be a complete dick  no matter what the outcome of the situation is.  being able to be first or win as a group is suppose to be a great thing.  being the dick that takes over and doesnt suggest what to do but tells others how to do it isnt the best idea.  being the outcast or last picked never feels great.  being able to tell the person in charge exactly how things will play out doesnt earn you good brownie points.  being able to see so many steps ahead being able to figure out the basic statistics of probable causes and informing others how they should of done things tends to make you last picked.  its never about skill its always about who you know.

being head strong and opinionated only worked for me as an adult.  but yet still to afraid to start a conversation with a stranger.  always fearing rejection.  always afraid someone wont like me.  always waiting for that moment for someone to start talking to me so i could spill out all my knowledge to someone to impress them.  with men it was never a big deal.  love me or hate i dont care but you will walk away with one of those opinions.  there will be no grey area.  women have always been and always will be that elusive beast.  never knowing how to talk to one.  always afraid to try.  the few times ive been lucky to keep one around for longer than a week i never know how to act.  i struggle to be myself and to be able to keep them happy.  one part always takes over and never have that healthy balance.

the awkward kid in the corner is always there.  always showing up in every situation.  is my art ever good enough for all to like.  is my writing ever powerful enough to reach out to all that could need it.  how can i make people happy and lead them to what they deserve when all i can do is hide in my box hoping that someone comes along to save me.  someone to hold my hand and walk me out into the sunshine and show me its ok.  let me know im making a difference.  kicking me in the ass to push me to my full potential.  i can be helpful to those that need it.  i can help those who suffer.  i know what the struggle feels like because i live it every day as well.  i want to push all those other shy awkward kids that can be special but feel beaten down.  tell all those in need to let their drum beat loud and hard.  make your own path.  suffer through hard times they will make you stronger.  those times are what will push you later in life.  dont fall in line and make your own path.  be weird and let others follow you.  for when that happens the people around you will truly love you for you not be the fake cookie cutter people that you couldnt be as a kid.