well some of the people im close to on here know. that the last couple of years in my life have had its ups an downs. mainly fighting with my mom over alot of things. she seems to think i dont want nothing to do with her anymore because of money. no thats not correct she once had a responceability and never took care of it. that responceability was me she chose to do things her way and go her own way. i dont want nothing to do with her because of the way. she acts and has acted in the passed. not because shes 15,000$ behind in back child support. but because of reasons like her calling her brother my uncle. and telling him i have there fathers 30/30 rifle . that she gave me after there father passed away. then she wanted it back beacuse she had sold. the atv and welder to get beer money an was broke. and hounded me for the rifle back an i said no. cause all she whould do is sell it for beer money. she was living in a fuckin semi and was broke. she had a good job working for lone star gas. well she got laied off when atmos bought them out. an she moved back to waco an hasnt worked since then. she had a good severence package an put a down payment on a trailer house. and i guess partied too much spent her money and got kicked out. lived with some firends for a while. they amde her leave basicly she just ruined her self. then she strated seeing this guy an live in some camper trailer. they lost that so she lived with him in a truck heh. another reason shes a drunk i have no use for that shit . that is why i do not drink alot because its in my blood. that whole side of my family moms side were alcoholics and still are. and i refuse to turn myself into a drunk an loose what little shit i got.
ive also been trying to find someone to be close to and share my life with. well thats not working to well eaither i try to be social. and strike up conversations and try to make friends. but it seems to me like its never going to happen or never ment to happen for me. here i am 26 single and no kids and everyone around me. is married and has kids or expecting kids which is great im happy for them. but i often think is this going to happen for me or with me. ive tried talking to females and getting to know them. and its like im beeing ignored i guess its just not for me or is it?
im not a happy person and dont know what to do to be happy. im lost in thoughts of things thats happend. shit that realy bugs me i often find myself very irratated somedays and will jump at someone. and not even know ive done so untill later. i try to go out to local clubs or bars or to the movies. but it gets old when there is no one to go with. or other people are tied up busy with life which is very understandable.
and im scared shitless when i do find that female companion. that i wont make her happy an she will leave me or cheat. i dont know its like how my mom has treated me im scared of females. ive met a couple and one turned out to be drama over something. and the other one when i got the time an money didnt want nothing to do with me. i thought that was kind of childish myself but oh well.
hell i dont know what to do or think anymore. all i know is i feel lost and not sure what to do about it. unhappy an sometimes i will be thinking of thigns an just get pissed off. at things that have happend to me. i dont talk to people about this shit much because peole got there own problems. and probily dont wanna hear about mine i whould feel like i whould be bugging them or boring them.
maybe poasting this blog will help get some of this shit off my chest. but i dont know its here if someone wants to read it. if not thats fine
