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An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, recently moved to Texas. Ray has always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day,he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope." Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks,a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now??" Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Ray yells,"AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!" To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat.
HOPE THE BABY DANCES For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage. Men are like.... 1. Men are like .. Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you. 2. Men are like Weather. Nothing can be done to change them. 3. Men are like .. Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why. 4. Men are like ... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. 5. Men are like ....Commercials ?....... You can't believe a word they say. 6. Men are like Department Stores .... Their clothes are always 1/2 off. 7. Men are like ...... Government Bonds ?.... They take soooooooo long to mature. 8. Men are like Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. 9. Men are like. Popcorn .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 10. Men are like. Lava Lamps .. Fun to look at, but not very bright 11. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped. Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!! You Got Served You have just been KISSED by the Dancing Baby! Something good will happen to you at 1:00-4:00 PM tomorrow, it could be anywhere. Get ready for the biggest shock in your life if you break this you will not be cursed but good luck will not come your way for the next year. Everyone can use some fun and Good Luck so Send this to 5 people in 15 min
JACK (age 3) was watching his mom breast-feed his new baby sister. After a while he asked, "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?" MELANIE (age 5) asked her granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember, you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six." STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his mom goodnight. "I love you so much that when you die, I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window." BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked, "How does it know it's me? SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said. "It makes my teeth cough." D I (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked, "How much do I cost?" MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young man and woman who were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad, "Why is he whispering in her mouth?" CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?" JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked, "What happened to the flea?" TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"
From the day we met, you've surprised me, challenged me, and engaged me in a way that no other human being ever has Now we will feel no rain For each of us will be shelter to each other. And now we will feel no cold For each of us will be warmth to each other. Now there is no loneliness We are two bodies, but there is one life before us and one home. Before I knew you, I wasn't living. I was waiting I also trust in the stars. I know that no matter how rough the waters are, or how bad the storm....that sooner or later the skies are going to clear, and I will be able to see the north star....and she will guide me home. that's what you are to me. You guide me home.....You ground me.....You are my home. All I have to offer is me, my life and all that I ever will become.
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has NEVER had an accident. (P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.) P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're there for. P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.
You've Never Heard a Flight Announcement Like This Wouldn't you love to have this attendant on your next flight? Thanks to a retired Delta Captain for sending this "paraphrase" of a memorable safety PA (public announcement) from their Flight Attendants. In the Captains own words.... "I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend, and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like "what the fuck!?!?" (Getting Seattle people to look at each other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most of it." (BEFORE TAKEOFF) Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening. We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is ...... The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now. There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and that exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows. In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy thingies will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, I promise . If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first and then work your way down. In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now. Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your hips. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab thingie into the buckle thingie. To release, it's a pulley thingie -- not a pushy thingie like your car, because you're in an airplane -- HELLO!!! There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold on, let me check what it is ... Oh here it is ... the movie tonight is "Gone With the Wind." In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button. We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask. If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing ovation, wouldn't you? (AFTER LANDING): Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the Captain's fault. It's not the Copilot's fault. It's the Asphalt. Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even try. Also, please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift happens."
Job Description This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, I don't believe any of us would have done it! POSITION: Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required. RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility. POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.. WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more. BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.. Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, letting them know they are appreciated for the fabulous job they do ... or forward with love to anyone thinking of applying for the job. ** AND A FOOTNOTE? THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!! ** If you are fortunate enough you will become grandparents
In case you needed further proof that some of the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Sear's hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.) On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." (The shoplifter special) On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how ...?) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But its "just" a suggestion) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (Too late!) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (Ya think?) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save me more time?) On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (Guess I should buy something that "Will" cause drowsiness instead.) On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?) On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.) On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (I can't believe they would actually put those in there!) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (I don't know, that wrapper looks pretty tasty...) On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.) On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Was there a lot of this happening somewhere? )
Message Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?" I don't know," replied the other baby giggling. What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby. "I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply. Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and find out." He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly. You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?" It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks and I've got blue ones." Gotcha" SHAME ON YOU, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???
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