SEDUCTIVE MISTRESS's blog: "when saddness calls"

May the bitter cold of love and pain freeze my soul. May each tear that falls upon my cheek freeze layer upon layer of ice around my heart. May each and every goodbye add another layer of ice to blood that courses through my veins, May the bitterness of love turn me into a shell that can never be hurt again. May my heart turn to ice so that I never have to feel love again. If I can not love I can not be hurt.  I tire of hearing my heart break. Perhaps if it is ice I will never feel again. I am weary of love and the pain it brings. Always love stabs at my heart like a madman. May my heart and soul turn to ice. Never to un thaw and love again. 

It has been so long since i held you in my arms. I have almost forgotten your laugh. Not a day goes by that i dont miss you or my heart ache.Its been so long since i smelled your sweet smell, The feel of your hand in mine. Time does not heal all wounds now does it always ease the pain. its been almost fifteen years now since we said our goodbyes. I remember it as if it was yesterday Never for one moment have stopped loving you.You will always be my darling my sweet heart my angel

When i look into his eyes i can see past the fake happiness and into the pain he tries to hide. it sadness me that he tries so hard to hide the sadness. if he would but let me i would take it all away.so that when you looked into his eyes the fake happiness would be replaced with real happiness. i wonder what would it take to bring real happiness into his gaze.

I tried so hard to tell you that you would cause me a pain like none other .Neither one of us seemed to care of the pain I knew was to come. So caught up in our time together no thought to how we could hurt the other. I knew you would devastate my very soul. I tried to tell you. Now the darkness has settled over me like a great fog over the water. No light is allowed to break through the darkness I feel. No happiness allowed to dwell within. Just a deep dark abyss of sorrow and pain. A vortex spiraling out of control to the deepest darkest pits of hell. I have tried for so long to keep the darkness away and in one fell swoop it has descended upon me again. A few stolen moments of happiness and more laughter than I had known in so long a sharing of my soul with you and now nothing but darkness to replace every happy thought I had. Every second I’m awake it is pure torture. Every second of my dreaming hours you haunt and taunt me bringing only more despair to my already shattered heart and soul. I won’t make this mistake ever again of baring my soul for you or anyone. If I make it out of this pit of darkness never will another be allowed to cut me to the core?

Take me down from this immortal pedestal you have placed me upon.

I am nothing but a mere mortal just as you.

When you are cut do you not bleed? Then surely I bleed as well.

When you are hurt do you not cry out in pain?

Then surely when I am hurt I cry but when I hurt my very heart and soul cry.

When you are angry do you not yell with great frustration?

The differences between you and I is this when I get angry the screams echo and vibrate off my very soul over and over leaving a mark upon my very soul. A mark that runs so deep it will never be healed.

How I wish I could cut my feelings and emotions off like so many people seem to be able to. Yet I am doomed to love for ever more. When I cry I try to keep it in and my soul mourns silently with a deep despair like none has ever seen. I can not give you the pleasure of knowing how you have cut me to the very core of my soul. 

When will I have my wings?

Wings to help break the shackles of this world.

Wings to lift me high above the pain the surrounds me.

Lifting me high above the world I call home.

Soaring high above the darkness .

When will it be my time to be free?

Free from all these tears

Free from all these fears

When will I have my wings?

Let the wind take me higher

So high above it all.

When will I have my wings?

When does the pain stop?

When will I feel whole again?

I think the answer is never .

Not a day shall pass for me without pain.

Do I bring this pain upon myself or do others inflict it upon my very soul?

Perhaps it is both that inflict this pain upon my soul.

Wil this pain ever stop taunting me.

In my every waking moment there is nothing but pain.

Even in my hours of sleep I can not escape the pain I feel inside.

A pain so harsh and raw I just want to scream and never stop.

Once I had a friend tell me they were broken but perhaps it is I who is really broken.

A shell of what I once was so carefree and full of life till the pain took over and left me a so utterly broken.

I know not  if I can ever be more than this broken shell you see before you.

Always asking myself what people want from me?

Are they only after causing me more pain?

After so many have brought me pain  always in the back of my mind it lingers that maybe that’s all people want .

To bring me more pain and heart ache.

When will this pain end.

When will I feelwhole again.

I think the answer is Never in this life time. 

I sit here and i wonder would you miss me  if i were gone.

Would you miss my sweet flirty voice?

Would you notice i was even gone from you.

Would you miss my touch upon your body?

would you miss me at all or would you just replace me with out a second thought.

I wonder do i mean as much to you as you mean tome.

Is it possible iwonder for you to love me as i love you.

How long would it take to notice i was gone?

A day , two days a week , a month maybe longer.

If you dont miss me within minutes then surely i have given you my love for nothing.

If you do miss me when i am gone know that i left a little peace ofme with you for all time.