Shrek's blog: "What is your fucking problem?"

Ever notice that, in the entire history of the world, not one person has ever been intimidated by the following cry: "THE FRENCH ARE COMING! THE FRENCH ARE COMING!"

How I Cost The Marine Corps $2.4 Million In One Day This is one maybe I should not confess to but it was like 23 years ago so, there's probably a statute of limitations or something. We were having a missile shoot out of Kanehoe, Hi. The idea was to shott a AIM-9 Sidewinder missile at a target drone over the ocean without destroying the drone. Since the drones cost $800,000.00 each at that time, they were intended to be used over and over. This is how it worked in theory: In the theory, the Ordanceman (me) removes the safe/arm device from the the missile and stencils on the warhead "S/A REMOVED." This way, the missile does not actually explode and the only way to destroy the frone eith it is to shoot it straight up the tail pipe of the drone. A monitoring station then records how close the missile actually comes to the drone, which runs, out fuel, parachutes to the surface, and is re-used. This is how worked in real life: So Im removing all these S/A Devices from these Sidewinders and half of them already have "S/A REMOVED" stenciled on the warheads. So after checking about 6 or 7 of em to ensure that the S/A has in fact been removed, I said fuck it and didn't check any more of the ones that had already been stenciled. As it turned out, several of them still contained S/A Devices, which allowed for the spectacular destruction of three $800,000.00 frones that day. Now remember that, with no S/A Device, the only way for the missile to destroy the drone is to go straight up it's ass. So, after the shoot, the CO calls me into his office and says, "Cpl King, we shot down three drones today, how do you explain that?" I assumed the postition of attention, looked the Captain dead in the eyes, and said, "Damned good shooting, Sir!" And I thought this was the end of me for sure. The Capt looks back at me, grunts, and says, "Get the hell outta my office." Lesson: When dealing with explosives, complacency breeds disaster.

DISCLAIMER: This is not intended, in any way, to reflect disparagingly upon Daniel Boone or any direct descendants of Mr. Boone. First I would like to say that, though its true I was born in Germany, I am a Mississippian. That being said, I am fully aware of the fact that the Nobel Prize Patrol is not likely to show up here in a mini-van bearing Ed MacMahon and a bunch of balloons at any time in the foreseeable future. Not only that but, if Tunica, MS is not the asshole of the Earth, it is certainly within farting distance of it. OK. I got stuck behind a mini-van with Kentucky plates on it today and I just have this brief bit of information for Kentucky: Now, I don't know if they have these in Kentucky or not but, a four-way-stop, DOES NOT MEAN, that you have to wait for three more cars to show up. Mkaaaay?

This is how I know I'm an asshole. I aint sayin its a bad thing, but its true, nonetheless. This actually happened the other day at work. This really good looking woman comes walking by, immediately followed by her husband.....in a wheel chair. My very first thought was, "I could take him...." Yep....I am an asshole.

Sex can give you a headache. Here's how I know this: Ok...lets say you're a Marine. You just naturally love The Marine's Hymn, right? Right. It's not like you get to hear it every day, even when you're in the Corps you know.... Anyway...let's say you're goin at it with your first wife. Everyone has one of those, you know.... a "starter wife." So you have the tv on for just the right amount of light and yer goin at it like rats. Well, as "The Sands Of Iwo Jima" (God bless John Wayne) is going off, The Marine's Hymn plays. Now.....if you are ever in this situtaion, do not, and I repeat: DO NOT, DO NOT stop what you are doing to listen to the song. This will cause an immediate and sharp pain in the side of your head. Now, since it was the right side of my head, I'm guessing it was a left hook but I wasnt lookng so I don't know for sure. But I do know not to do this again.

How I Fell Out Of A Helicopter or....Exiting A Chopper the Really Fast Way There is no doubt that I was the first kid on my block to fall out of a helicopter in flight. Here's how it happened: So we're in this CH-46 Sea Knight in Az. A bunch or Marines. We're hovering about 15 - 20 feet off the desert floor when I, in my my infinite wisdom, decide to stand up. Now, you gotta picture this: I'm dressed in full combat gear, rifle in hand, looking for all the world like John Wayne. Why I decided that the end of the ramp would be a good place to stand during flight is beyond me. I guess this was still in my "achieving wisdom" segment of life. Anyway, so I'm standing there on there on there ramp, like a dumbass, and the chopper lurches forward just ever so slightly. When the bird went forward, in keeping with the laws of physics....I went aft which, as luck would have it, put me in the exact spot where the helicopter was only a moment before. Only now, there was no helicopter there. It was so smooth, it probably looked like I did it on purpose. I did a half-flip and fell away from the helicopter face up, staring back at little Marine faces staring over the ramp at me as I fell away toward the Earth. Its really amazing - the time you have for thinking during a situation like this. I actually had time to formulate the following thought: "Oh man....I cant' believe I just fell out of a helicopter. This just totally sucks ass." The desert floor is hard. When you thing about it, grains of sand are really just tiny rocks. It would be nice if God's favorite ting was cotton or something soft but no...His favorite thing is dirt. I mean, look how much of it He made. Now....I could have just smacked the Earth, got killed, and been done with it, right? Wrong. I hit the lip of a about a 30 ft favine which was full of much larger grains of sand, commonly known as "boulders." So there I landed, at the bottom of the ravine, ass up, on my back. This is know in the medical community as "impacting mulitple stationary objects." By the time I regained consciousness, the helicopter had landed and all my buds were standing at the lip of the ravine peering down at me, doing guess what? Taking bets on whether I was dead or not. Why? Because they are Marines. I actually heard this statement, "Oh, twenty bucks says he's fuckin dead, man." So I lifted one finger which is "I have just fallen out a helicopter" language for: "I have not yet completed the dying process." If I hadnt' been dressed from head to toe in combat gear, I would without doubt be completely dead now. I was cut and bruised on every inch of my body, but amazingly, the most serious injury was an inverse sprain to the right ankle. I actually finished the excercise and walked out of the desert with everyone else two weeks later. Lesson: "Please remain seated until the aircraft lands and comes to a complete stop."

Great American War Movies and Their French Counterparts American: "The Longest Day" French: "The Longest Retreat" American: "From Here To Eternity" French: "From Here To Here" American: "In Harm's Way" French: "In Nobody's Way" American: "To Hell And Back" French: "To Hell With It" American: "Back To Bataan" French: "Back To Bed" American: "Run Silent, Run Deep" French: "Run Like Hell"