scottgraywolf's blog: "weekly giggles"

Eating Mexican food is not the cause of gonorrhea. There is no need for dice in role-playing. Intercourse doesn't happen on a highway. If you engage in oral sex first, it's not called a head start. If she says she's into "bondage," don't show her your financial portfolio. You can lie down during a one-night stand. When a woman talks about waiting for the "right time," she's not referring to a commercial break. Only sleep with someone you love or can say you love without smirking. Making out doesn't mean getting your money's worth. A condominium is NOT the smallest size they make. If your wife tells you sex is a 'pain in the ass', turn her over. A porn shop will not give you money for your used stuff, that's a pawn shop. Doing the missionary position does not mean you have sex in a church. If she says "doggy style," Do NOT whip on down to the local ASPCA center. Kama Sutra is not a martial art ... therefore don't tell your lover that you have a black belt in it. Well-endowed is not a reference to the size of your bank account. If your stomach hurts it is not an orgasm, more likely indigestion or appendicitis. Wise Sayings I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." * Tom Clancy "You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." * Steve Martin "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." * Woody Allen "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday .night." * Rodney Dangerfield "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL." * Lynn Lavner "Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." * Matt Barry "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." * Camille Paglia & Bill Anderson "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." * George Burns "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." * Sharon Stone "My girlfriend always laughs during sex ~ no matter what she's reading." * Steve Jobs "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it., so I said "Thyroid problem?'" *Arnold Schwarzenegger "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." * Tiger Woods "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." * Jack Nicholson He never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." * Barbara Bush "Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." * Robin Williams "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." * Roseanne "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." * Billy Crystal "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." * Robert De Niro "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" * Dustin Hoffman "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.'" * Jerry Seinfeld "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." * Rod Stewart "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." * Robin Williams Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts *Jeff Foxworthy

Priest in Airport Customs A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next! A Pope and a Lawyer Once a Pope and a lawyer died and went to heaven. God came and said, "Follow me and I will give you your rooms." So they both followed. First God gave the Pope his room; it was very small with a small bed and a small desk. "Thank you, thank you my lord," said The Pope. Then God gave the lawyer his room; it was big room with a big bed and a big deck with a pool and a pretty woman. "Mr. God, why are you giving this room to me and the other one to The Pope?" the lawyer asked. "Well, we get popes by the dozens, but you're our first lawyer."

Monastery Life A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was celebRate !!"

50+ ! Q: Where can women over the age of 50 find young, sexy men, who are interested in them? A: Try a bookstore under fiction. Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live. Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband? A: Tell him you're pregnant. Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror? A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses. Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking? A: Valets don't forget where they park your car. Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem. Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon. Q: Where do 50+ year olds look for fashionable glasses? A: Their foreheads. Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores? A: "I remember these". NEW DRINK! A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?" Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink, invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka." The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?" * * * * * The bartender replied, "It's a "Pabst Smir."

just some one liners bashing about everyone! > Q: What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman? > > A: You can drop her off anywhere. > > > > Q: What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws? > > A: Outlaws are wanted. > > > > Q: What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with? > > A: Whatever she wants. He's sleeping. > > > > Q: How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony? > > A: It isn't hard. > > > > Q: How can you piss off your wife while your making love? > > A: Call her from your cell phone. > > > > Q: Why are gypsies so careful when they're making love? > > A: They have crystal balls. > > > > Q: Why did God give women nipples? > > A: To make suckers out of men. > > > > Q: What does the bride of a Polish man get that's long and hard on her > wedding night? > > A: His last name. > > > > Q: What's the down side to a threesome? > > A: You could disappoint two women instead of just one. > > > > Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist? > > A: The terrorist has sympathizers. > > > > Q: How do you know you're really ugly? > > A: Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg. > > > > Q: Why are hurricanes named after women? > > A: Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car! > > > > Q. What is the similarity between a shrimp and a man? > > A. You can enjoy all but the head. > > > > Q. What is the similarity between a dolphin and a man? > > A. They are both said to be intelligent, but no one can prove this. > > > > Q. What is the similarity between a microwave oven and a man? > > A. They both get hot in 15 seconds. > > > > Q. Why can't a man be both good looking and intelligent? > > A. That would make him a woman. > > > > Q. Why is a man's brain the size of a peanut? > > A. Because it is swollen. > > > > Q. Why are batteries better than men? > > A. Batteries have at least one positive end. > > > > Q. Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg? > > A. Because sperm are male and they refuse to ask directions. > > > > Q. Why are men like the letter Q? > > A. Because it is a big fat zero with a small protrusion. > > > > Q. Why do fewer women get married these days? > > A. Because they would rather have bacon in the fridge, than a pig in the > living room. > > > > Q. What is the similarity between a video recorder and a man? > > A. They go forwards, backwards, forwards, and backwards, stop and eject! > > > > Q. Why is the male intelligence worth more than the female? > > A. It is rarer. > > > > Q. Why do men prefer to marry virgins? > > A. They cannot handle the criticism. > > > > Q. What do you call an attractive, intelligent and sensitive man. > > A. Rumor. > > > > Q. Why don't men go through menopause? > > A. They never left puberty. >

do you know who i am? number 1. The Final Examination It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet. "Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there. "No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?" "No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice. "Do you know who I am?" the student asked again in a louder voice. "No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority. "Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~* number 2. A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of a bar. A stranger comes by and asks him if he's all right. The drunk replies by asking, "Do you know who I am?" The stranger says, "No. Who are you?" The drunk proudly says, "I'm Jesus Christ... and I can prove it! Come with me!" They enter the bar and the bartender looks up and yells, "Jesus Christ! Are you here again?" ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* number 3. A lady was a huge Paul McCartney fan and wanted a tattoo of him on the inside of her thigh. She went to the parlor and told the guy what she wanted. He says: "OK, take your skirt and underwear off and sit in the chair with your legs apart". She did that and he started on the tattoo. Pretty soon he's done, blows off the dust and admires his work. "Who the heck's that?" she says. "It's Paul McCartney", he replies. "Doesn't look like him at all" says she. "Now get it right or I'll report you". So the tattooist starts on the other thigh. Really trying hard to do a better job. Finally he's done, blows off the dust and feels pretty good. The woman is pissed off "No way that's Paul McCartney" she says. "It bloody well is" says the man. "Listen I'll get a second opinion" He goes out of his store and grabs the first person he sees. The guy is a drunk who's been stumbling along the sidewalk. The tattooist drags the drunk into his store. There's the woman, sitting legs apart with nothing on below her waist. The tattooist says to the drunk (pointing at the woman’s legs)... "Tell me who the hell you think that is". The drunk says (in a drunken slur voice), "I've no idea who the people are on her thighs but the guy in the middle is a dead ringer for Willie Nelson"!

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? Does fuzzy logic tickle? If there is no God, who pops up the next kleenex in the box? Why is abbreviation such a long word? Is it possible to be totally partial? Why do people sing Take Me Out To The Ball Game when they're already there? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Should vegitarians eat animal crackers? Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives? Why do people call it a TV set when you only get one? Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive through teller machines? Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? If you throw a cat out of a car window, does it become kitty litter? If buttered toast always lands butter side down, and a cat always lands on it's feet, what would happen if you dropped a cat with a piece of buttered toast tied to it's back? If the little black boxes on airplanes are indestructible, why don't they make the whole airplane out of the same material? If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress? If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? Why do psychics have to ask your name? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? How do you tell when you've run out of invisible ink? Did ancient doctors refer to IVs as 'fours'? Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together? Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays? If time is money, why doesn't money come as easily as time goes? If the pencil #2 is so popular, why is it still #2? If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just live 10 miles away? Why can't I set my laser printer on 'stun'? If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? If you write a book about failure, and it doesn't sell, is it a success? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? How come when something is flying overhead, people say "heads up!" Shouldn't they say "Duck!"? How come nailpolish & white-out bottles are always deeper than the brush? How come people try something and say, "Eww! This is nasty, here try it." Why would you want to try something someone else thinks tastes awful? Is there another word for synonym? Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? Why do they report power outages on TV? What's another word for thesaurus? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? How is it possible to have a civil war? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it? Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose, wouldn't it? If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what idiot came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?" Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. I intend to live forever - so far, so good. Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. Two wrongs are only the beginning. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. A fool and his money are soon partying. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. God's place is the world, but the world is not God's place.

PROOF THAT THE WORLD IS NUTS! In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look diffe rent reversed?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind!") *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Cali, Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam !) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for this stuff?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on it's right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of ???) (Did the government pay for this research??) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez.) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. I know some people like that! *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that, too.) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* And, the best for last: Turtles can breathe through their butts. (And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

SIPPING VODKA! A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook. 8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him. 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" . 12) The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,. 13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. 14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's; not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.

Those Born 1930-1979 READ TO THE BOTTOM FOR QUOTE OF THE MONTH BY JAY LENO. IF YOU DON'T READ ANYTHING ELSE---VERY WELL STATED TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!! First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts o r air bags. Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter an d drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because, WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computer! s, no Internet or chat rooms........ WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them! Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointme nt. Imagine that!! The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! If YOU are one of them.CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good. While you a re at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were. Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?! The quote of the month is by Jay Leno: "With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?" For those that prefer to think that God is not watching over us...go ahead and delete this. For the rest of us...pass this on