Slippin Slide Productions's blog: "we do recover"

79 and I am a drug survivor Addict name Carlton. Everyday I feel important because all the things I survived I can’t forget I was blessed. From the times I picked my brain apart wondering how to get at least a hook, then I have find someone who was on the same mission. Many times the things I did to get to that point was survival with the addiction. I remember in the beginning the disease was real humble and made me believe I was in control of this life. Little did I know it always began giving away superman courage. Later I would be forced eat a piece of reality to. I’m talking about that reality where I’m running a house, where people come thru for what I learned later to be their safe haven. Little did I know I was suppose to pay attention to those who crossed my door ceil, because I would later become one of the participants who would look for a place to use and lay my head. Damn near resembling a rat with the attitude and features to define me was no longer the man I once was. I can’t blame no one for my transformation, because I focused on those who had less they raised my ego. All the while I was using them for their faults. Never once did I feel I should have been learning how to Run From Them. My insane thinking said, isn’t nothing wrong with them. I never understood the disease was mightier then me. The people I associated myself with were the evidence. How much information did I need to see I couldn’t even control a remote control car, so what made me think I had this disease on lock? My family values was exchanged to get many more, I felt I was learning how to survive. I was surviving alright only to constantly practice killing myself. I could do the job better then a nigga trying to break my brains out. In the beginning I was enjoying killing myself, until the day I felt dead inside I got that rude awakening. I use to get mad at those who were more caught up then me. I mean I use to get mad at them, because I assume they didn’t have the control I thought I had. I can honestly say with people like me, who allowed their door to stay open; I made their will possible to survive. Especially, in the beginning I really didn’t want any of what u had, I really was amazed at how addicts made me seem more of a friend then my family made me feel accepted. I know now we will say, laugh, and do anything just to get one more and have a safe haven to put to use in. As time went a long I realized I must treat mother fucka a little different because they were off the hook. I guess I was getting drug sick (like home sick). I had left the caine along and had no desires I thought. I had sold my heart out and had the money, but with money come new intro opportunity to get high. It is something about everyone around u doing something and you don’t want to feel left out I guess. I sometimes wish I wasn’t talking about myself. The House That Crack Built Honestly, I was naïve those coming to my crack house showed me the game. I wasn’t afraid to get that gravy poured on your mash potatoes. They made me want to eat good. And this is just from people seeking a safe haven. Shit my house went from safe haven to Whore house. It always been one, I wouldn’t rent it out. After awhile I learned I had to wash my sheets and niggas wasn’t kicking out for the soap powder. Them mother fuckers thought they would continue to use me like they was living on the state property. I wasn’t about to take care of no grown scheming mother fucker thinking they built like that. I didn’t have a habit. I convinced myself and the disease co-signed it. . After a short time of living by myself I finally start opening my door. Shit I could have my children and girl in the house most times, if the price was right and it had to be dead president, they could have my children room. I was greedy for the money then. I wasn’t a drug solider yet. In the beginning when I was rolling I had three houses. One for the misses, bitches, and drugs. The drug house I ran with my man, who was constantly schooling me. He was a season addict, in and out of the rooms like niggas do jail and he took the Tule ague from the stories he learned and taught me the B-More way. I was like a fresh pot of coffee off the stove (straight out of NY) and I was using the methods I had learned from the apple. I started out like a school boy I just wanted to be accepted and treated fair, so I lived by the example I wanted to be treated as. Most times people peeped that and were on their hook or crook, till they found out I was a gun slinging motherfucka, who would give CSI a fit when they had to investigate. After awhile to come home with me u had to be willing to either be my road dawg, out to grind, hit when I order, and I was out of control and deadly. I was living a lot of false images of the world of Tell Lies To Your Vision aka Television. I remember watching New Jack City and that was too far above Baltimoreans heads I thought, but when I looked at it later on in life, my houses started to look like the crack house Flipper went looking for Gator in. No lights, a lot of using, cluttered, stink, and dirty. The sad part this fuckin disease gave me a moment of clarity when I would try to clean up as soon as company hit the door, so what they was crack heads. I would feel ashame and I would justify it. I would blame it on someone else. Sometimes I would prepare a person long before we got to my house telling them part truth never including me as part of the problem. That fucked disease knew neither one of us believe it or cared as long as we can get high there is all that matter. Most of us were use to no lights, the smell, no front door, rats, whatever came with the situation. But on the real side when I saw Belly, King of New York, and a few other movies instilled in my mind, you got it going on just like them. I ran with them negative teaching because I felt it was normal. Before the sloppiness in my house was ever prime, I was sloppy with leaving the paraphernalia around and not putting shit up unless I had company I didn’t trust. I remember a few houses I didn’t even have gas or electric, and I didn’t supply matches and candles. I lost that high a couple of that time. See some times people come expecting something and don’t have anything. So when I dismissed the idea of Freebie didn’t live here niggas knew come prepared. I didn’t care in the beginning, because I didn’t have any pit-bull nawing on my leg, my stomach wasn’t turning or tearing out the lining forcing shit to evacuate my body like it was kicked out. I had a weed habit that made me think I was smoking coke, I didn’t want to pay for shit, but my beer, weed, and contribute to a whore, when I didn’t get in touch with my old familiars. Sometimes I liked buying pussy from the money I got from other pussies. That is some sick shit; I was robbing Mary Jane just to fuck with Wendy. I remember, when someone came thru with a female penny (it was never no dimes), shining and shit, I had to put my two cent in her. And if this freak just had to be reminded (like run said in Krush Grove), who’s house this is? O I didn’t have a problem then. Plus most times I really felt like I was raping some of these bitches, because I had some thinking, if they didn’t give it up freely their might be dangerous tactics used to get this pussy. But I justified that shit as she getting the best of three worlds, two dicks, a high, and she safe from the outside world. In her mind Safe was questionable. I remember holding bitches hostage and when there were no more left I held them even longer. Hell some of them made themselves hostage, because they believe more was coming out and the only thing coming into the picture was sex. I can’t say I only ran the hell out of the crack house, but a whore house to. One of my houses I think I lost on purpose because I knew I was wrong. I had the police looking at my boy, who rented me the top floor and he claimed he let the cops in to search around. They really wanted his ass, but the kicker was everything was there. If they would have just opened up a couple of doors and punch out a couple of walls they would have found the titanic for real. And then I had the nerve to arrange for my child and her mother to stay there. I know today that shit was bananas. I cleaned up, but what if those cops would have come while they were there. And I didn’t clean up thoroughly or wanted to. I just moved shit. Then I had almost or in my eyes came inches to catching a rape charge again. I believe in my heart, I didn’t take that pussy for two reasons, I couldn’t let my dick get that much control of me and I didn’t believe she was 18, but she was looking every bit of it. And she was scared to fuck with the drugs I had. Something said; let this bitch have her fun teasing. Plus she might have sent me to the clinic because she was complaining about burning when I started to just take that pussy. Oh no bitch u got to go. I had to hurry up and pack up shop because I feared this bitch going to the corner and tell them peoples I felt was looking at my house. They probably weren’t looking my addiction ripped my instincts off. I think I was paranoid then anything else. Real talk, the weed I was smoking then was too good. It was exotic already, meth, fluid, roach spray and some more shit back then. My house had more volunteers then victims. When my disease progressed and the weed wasn’t boring me. I was getting these feelings I was smoking coke, I had to escape that feeling, because I didn’t touch crack yet. Hell I thought I could cheat on the weed with my old girl coke. Oh talk about leaping off the bridge in a body of concrete thinking it was water. I should have just submitted myself to the institution then, because I was well on my way. I got the feelings I was wanting and I also got the personality that came with it. At this point I had been avoiding people so my door wasn’t open as much again. I only dealt with certain people. I must add some of what I wrote was in a couple of different houses, but one of them boys I ran into the ground after 4 years, of running it into the ground. I laugh when I see the building now they closed it down. My family didn’t like coming to see me and I was alright with that, because they might had ran into the wrong thing stopping by unannounced. One thing my tricks and addict friends loved it; because it was better then an abandominum. In no way am I glorifying this sick ass behavior. And believe me it seems like fun until shit got ugly like them bowling shoes. I am only talking about me. U will wear what the house provides for you after you spin the table and start breaking in your own house. Wonder how the hell that happens? Me to. I guess once I started geeking, I told myself boy you gonna get one more. My heart wasn’t there yet with selling my own shit. I didn’t know who house was going to get victimized at that point. Without any sense of direction I was on the prowl. I winded up the fire escape on the side of MY building and finally in my OWN HOUSE. I was so gone that night I didn’t realize I had robbed the shit out it, til the next afternoon. And I was getting high their whole night and morning. You know I couldn’t call the police. They would have busted my ass. They only would have got my prints. That was an open and shut case. I did need a rocket scientist wit to realize I was out of control, because mine wasn’t working. Sometimes when I got my own product and called myself opening up shop I would push a couple of packages. After awhile I would literally throw everyone out, especially if they act like I was speaking carbolic. They were buying up the good shit to quick and weren’t sharing. WITH ME! I feared running out the good shit. My paranoid part of his disease kicked in, because the coke was off the radar. And I wasn’t going to chance getting burnt, jipped or locked up trying to cop. I look at this shit and I have to admit, if I didn’t know me, my thoughts after reading just this part: That Is a Wild Sick Mother Fucka who wrote that shit. When I was gone, I was embarrassed to get high around people, because now Crack had held me hostage. I could be free harded with that. I seen what it did to OTHER PEOPLE and I didn’t want to be like them. I was a character all of my own. I was still addicted and never noticed I was another ingredient to the potluck. Anyhow, my new found love actuality said, people aren’t going to like you. So my dog became my get high partner. This mother fucker even wanted to watch my back when I went to cop. He knew when I came in from work we was getting high, because I was robbing people’s to pay the people on the corner. Every now and then the dog would suggest maybe we could get along with maybe a girl. After I held group conscious (me, myself, and I) we veto that shit. My girl at the time wasn’t about shit and she was on the shit. I can talk about her now because she was one of the landlords, occupants, and she soon evicted her damn self. Hell here I go kickin mother fuckas out because they wouldn’t share their crack with me. Before I throwing nigga out my house and I wasn’t even selling myself pipe dreams, so you can imagine how I was when they hired me for the pipe sucking position. Anyway my dog was my dawg. I use to get mad at him because he was greedy. All he wanted was the smoke and then he went somewhere and started geeking. Why I would get mad, because he wanted the smoke all the time and he would go out. And then I had to hold him and calm him down. The part that would trip me out when my girl was there I had to calm both of them down because they both was greedy and subject to go out at any time. I felt like the designate crack head, as long as I was holding and calming them down I wasn’t getting extremely high sometimes I was blowing my high. When the end of running my own crack house, I found out whose house it was then. When I was lucky I was blessed because I didn’t get busted from living in them houses I thought was worst then mine. Hell they was on the same level they were places people gathered to get high, scheme on each other, sell their false dreams they couldn’t afford no more, hell I got tired of buying of course. I manage to wear my welcome out a lot of places. Of course since I wasn’t just sick but violent also most people really suggested, using a third party or straight up lie about something or another to get me to leave. It was a kind way of kicking me off. In their mind I understand now, any means possible to get this crazy crack head out my house without getting hurt. See I was considered dangerous and not just in my mind, because I did some shit to people. I was angry and they could read the writing on my face. I am amazed I made it to this point and If I ever get me another house, I won’t dare put a welcome mat on my steps, plus I am locking my fucking door, because I know the first time I let a freak, addict, or family member in just to visit I am in trouble. It is just something about 4 walls that make me feel I must instill some type of drug between them. I don’t need no one to move in with me, because they seen a for rent sign in their head. Knowing they don’t know how to pay rent. I will be damn if I will allow them to be free willy on me. Next thing I know the rent man sending the sheriff to collect his rent or property. been there thru that. I can’t begin to learn everything about living clean, because as long as there are drugs in this world, I will always have to continued practicing recovery. I never want to get this program because it is fun living it.

75 days old and climbing Addict name Carlton. I know a lot those who are reading this 4 the first time probably don’t understand why I am identifying myself as an addict. In actuality I am exposing the former me. This allows me to never forget where I came from. I’m also admitting to myself and God, I was a fucked up person and I must surrender my old behaviors in order to mature. Anyone who is in or familiar with a 12 step program can relate. For those who still don’t understand u keep reading and you might see how much better I am. I grateful today and I love myself regardless of others opinions of me. I must make people aware I am not stupid. I know where this acknowledgement is accepted other then by me and the fellowship of any 12 step program. I wouldn’t dare go to a church, stand up in front of a congregation, and say I am an Addict name Carlton. Sometimes words could assassinate me and people don’t even try to find out who I am or was. Their 1st instinct will be, take the focus off their self and investigate me, because I’m talking crazy and reckless, in their eyes. The congregation would definitely turn into a jury prosecuting me with their eyes and with the other members verbally. I would be lucky if one person out of the whole congregation, pastor included, verdict won’t be guilty. Sad part about it they won’t even envision or believe all I he did was drugs. Immediately, they would attach murder, theft, lying, and all sorts of outrageous crimes to my resume. Not to mention I am not only an addict, but would be a fiend of some kind, junkie, dope-head, crack-head or etc. You can call me what you want, but I will be damn if I am going to believe it. I am comfortable with thy self today and have been for 75 days now. Most definitely they will do everything in power to force me to feel uncomfortable. Instantly all bags and/or valuables will be guarded, if they don’t disappear out of sight. No need to blame them for their common people skills they fail to demonstrate. Hear the word or being in the company of an addict is uncomfortable for some people. Those who had experiences with an addict whether it was a friend, family member, or stranger, normally didn’t have pleasant stories about us. Some people were victimized by us. We, yes us, destroyed their trust in us or someone like us, emotions, support and love. And remember it didn’t have to be done by me or you. They don’t know any other way to act but defensively. I understand their lack of empathy comes with the territory . Life has always been funny for me not to me. If you are like me, you probably never noticed how people consider us jokes. They laugh at us or I when I felt I was feeling good and I figured the world didn’t notice me caught up in the grip of my compulsive obsession. I may have been geeking or my orchestrating my version of the soul train dance line doing “the dope dance.” And people found that shit amusing. They thought my efforts to get one more by any means were a joke. When I was selling the most unlikely of things or doing some of the most unthinkable jobs, it was degrading to me, funny to them, but my disease told me “at least you will be able to get one more, fuck what they think.” I ran on that thought and continued to bury my pride in the concrete. It wasn’t any fun when I, the nose candy seeker, the crack head, or the fiend made them the victim. Then they were looking for mercy or sympathy of course. I never forget how people assassinated, tortured and/or misinterpreted character to others, who thought they knew me better then that. They beat me down worst when they talk about how I wasted MY MONEY. Especially, if they gave it to me. I never understood or cared why they would give it me or buy shit I was selling and they wanted. I didn’t even understand why they would buy their shit back or they peoples shit and never inquire about it being whoever. Yes, we as addicts have wasted not just our money, time, physical and mental abilities to live comfortably. But here is the flip side, a lot of people do the same thing and don’t use any more or have never used. They waste their time when they talk about us and don’t try to help us. Help us don’t mean beating us up for how disable we were at the time. I talking about myself, remember that. Let’s not talk about the energy they wasted when they dwelled on I brought and couldn’t enjoy later. They should to think about what they brought or buy and can’t enjoy later. Most times they waste money, bitch about me. I recognize today they are trying to take the focus off themselves. Of course it is not on the same level, but it is not that much different. If you wasting your money on people, places and things then it is safe to say you are acting like an active addict. So what you might not geek or do the dope dance, obsessive and compulsive behavior is results of the disease. Since they won’t accept that fact I expect them remain in denial (don’t even know I am lying). I will be the first to tell them they addicts as well. They should keep the focus on themselves because it can happen to anybody and don’t have to include any use of drug or alcohol. This is just a character defect that’s like having a built in switch we fight with for control over. When I was an active addict I chased feelings and looked for different results from many different drugs and/or alcohol. I could get one or 1,000, as long as one of them satisfied me I was content for that moment and on the prowl hunting again. Although, drugs left me with nothing of value, but looking scarred, busted up, and transforming into someone uncomfortable, some of us go thru the same thing without using. Yes, you may have materialistic shit to show the world, but are you happy, because you have it and went thru hell to keep it? The evidence of addiction is a disease, it has no different affect on someone who don’t use. Meaning, when someone recovering or never used, are unmanageable they behavior is obsessive and compulsive. They chase feelings the same way and their drug of choice is lavishing and/or materialistic things. They get a thrill or an odd feeling in their gut when they purchase or just see items they claim they are going to get one day. Their wish list is like fiending. They consider it acceptable. I probably would to, but what happens when the newness ware off? Most times that is when misery or mood changes occur (you broke due to the actions of buying or hating because someone else can and you can’t). Compulsiveness introduces anyone to reality and this time normally comes after the first or next Payment is required, if not over a period of time and payments force a person to be broke. Not being use to living from paycheck to paycheck because of acting on the obsession knowing is was unaffordable. At this point most of us justify it with, at least I have it and if I was using I wouldn’t have it to show. Certainly, true, most times the disease tricks your ass and forces you to put on that mask. Never once trying to come to grips with I Can’t Afford This Shit enters their mind. So, what’s next? Go on to the bitter ends, repossession, collections, eviction (foreclose), or bankruptcy. There is an old recycled statement used very frequently in America, “I don’t like paying bills”! Normally, when u don’t like doing something u don’t do it or procrastinate (don’t pay on time or at all). So not realize what comes from that disease can make u look like using and all u doing is stressing out. Changing from Dr. Jeckle to Mr. Hyde in a heartbeat, becoming short tempered and uncommunicative is common when dealing with life on life matters without the use of drugs to hide behind or blame. Not once do they feel or notice they were unmanageable and became powerless to their bills. And like Addicts they sometimes fight surrendering, because they don’t know what will happen or feel nothing will happen, if they run to their Higher Power. I bet it is not funny to them and they not even using. That might be why they try to take the focus off themselves, because they believe their goes somebody doing worst then themselves. Now I understand why people bitch about being responsible. They hate the pressure with bills and responsibilities they never choose to identify or incorporate in their process. People talk about addicts doesn’t get any sleep, due to their chasing. What about when u is not using and can’t sleep because the phone is ringing all times of the night? How does it feel afraid to answer the phone, because u doesn’t want to talk about your agreement and don’t want become responsible. In actuality, you are freely hiding from an unknown person inquiring about their money. That is like, if you owe someone on the street and avoid the areas you know they going to be at, because you don’t want to live up to responsibility. Certainly, you don’t want to admit you are unable to pay them, because that admits you are powerless. How does it feel when the mail man is feared like a loan shark’s goons? Can’t stand to see a turn off notice, eviction of property, or final notice, because that make you have to wake up and admit you need help. Can’t even stop crying at night even if no one hears you, because you are afraid of what they might say about you. Don’t even want to inquire about your health when the pounds start to make you look like you weight ounces. Then when the doctor tells you about your blood pressure is too high, you got to blame it one someone, so stress becomes the corporate. No if you really want to face it your irresponsible ass due to obsession compulsive disease is the reason you don’t want to face. So fucked up can’t find a reason to laugh, because your not in a joking mood. Now I can’t say I was talking about me, because I don’t want to exercise that turn, because I fear owing people. Hell, I don’t even have my shit that I put in storage, because I didn’t want to pay the bill. This went the same way with paying my utilities and rent. Hell the disease don’t compromise and suggest u postpone getting one more and pay shit. Yeah, you pay someone alright, The Drug Dealer. I never tried to use the word credit when I was copping, because I feared them goons, who would put their life on hold for him and try to kill me. Notice, I said I didn’t fear him, but his goons, because most of these youngins wasn’t bold enough to come after their money. They too got issues anytime they hide behind their goons. Since they got the game twisted, they find dummies, who don’t use their mind or understand murder is a crime and they built prisons to house their asses. I haven’t seen a bill collector doing nothing more then sending out intimidating letters before they take you too court or send repo men to get their shit. I see why some people run from their phone, hide their rides, hide behind the curtains when someone knock at their door certain times of the day, or walk pass their mail box because it is something about when the disease make you feel powerless with or without drugs. I don't want to be looking for suggestions how to handle my mismanagement with bills, so i take people advice and don't live above my fuckin means. Hell i could baily afford using at times, so i don't intent to make material shit my new drug.

74 and continuing the day to day process of maintaining my sanity Addict name Carlton. I recently had to wonder why I was here and since drugs don’t dictate my life like it was in the past. Now I have to the put the excuses of drug usage away and see what it was that is still occupying space in my life. What make my thinking fulgurate and why. Thank God for the process of NA cause I could b hugging them corners looking for unavailable love. It was suggested I change my playground, playmates, and play stool toys. Some things aren’t that possible, but maintaining a strong present of determination while I am still in transition is critical for my on going process. Starting my inventory of changes I can’t ignore anything I haven’t done. So as time passed I recognized how I was being met at my needs. And I also had to over stand the process in full. I had to determine if my patience was going to b in jeopardy? Although, I live in the same domain or zoo purchasing an exit ticket is what my goal is. Not once do I refer to living rent free is to become my comfort zone. With this zone come a lot of test that would have came even if I was living in a condo. I am growing from this process everyday. I know recovery is not going to b easy so I accept that with open eyes. Those that come with the territory I am constantly questioning their intentions especially since they too decided to walk on the side of the unknown outcome. I have to remember the picture on the wall is going 2 be crookit for along time even if the house is sitting on a level straight foundation. I am no fool I won’t fail to recognize even God didn’t see fit to include good with his description of creation when he made man. So like they I am to not good. My process is to revamp myself as best as possible so I could b seen in a positive light. But there are other character defects I have that have nothing to do with drugs. And I have been clean and sober now for 74 days. So what is it that makes me feel I must correct my wrong behaviors? Keep reading and more will be revealed. It was suggested I change people, places and things or my playmates, playgrounds, and my play toys. I immediately began with my associates, because the life style I was living and those who were a part of it couldn’t have been friends. Today, outside of my program I really have only one person of my former life I associate with and share my deepest thoughts and she is clean and sober also. Having such female friends or associates is acceptable to me as long as they are complying with staying clean. We as addicts must join forces to fight off temptations and help one another overstand what changes should b made to strengthen our spiritual being. Also I must add my new associates men or women are not my atm, bed partners, or those I worship. I do value their perspectives on life and I study the changes they made in their life that I can see. I listen to how they model what changes they have made. Remember living is more of the attraction then the promotion. As long as I feel they got my back I will love those more then I love money. For me money can be my enemy if I don’t use it correctly. At this very moment the house I live in still have addicts that practice their drug of choice. I realize they will eventually surrender. That is their process not mine. I can’t and wasn’t able to control myself when I was using. So I wouldn’t dare think I could sit in their company and not use. So I do what the program suggested, pray, go to meetings, don’t pick up, get a home group, (I got three), get a sponsor and do some step work. It is not a big order if u trying to save your life. I know from what I see them going thru I don’t want to go back to using. But I must say my goal is to purchase a ticket to get out of the zoo. I have heard many people say they got clean under circumstances some don’t see comfortable with the outcome being recovery. I can say to them if they escape and are still recovery one day at a time then that was God seeing how sincere u was. I intend to remain sincere and recognize I am not in control of anyone’s life. This is also teaching me to understand what I can and can’t change. Change starts and end with me. I certainly have changed my toys. Since I remember very little of playing with tonka trucks and fisher price blocks, I do remember later on in life my toys being ash bowls, straight shooters, blunt paper, chore boy and all sort of shit I used to get high. My thinking told me use them like an American Express card, never leave home without. That was so stupid to put my freedom in serious jeopardy daily. That would be like throwing rocks at passing police cars. If I was stopped once and checked I was subjected to get locked up. Even with out drugs having paraphernalia on me is a charge. I am so glad today I made the tools of recovery my basic text, people who have knowledge of the 12 steps and traditions. These things are my new toys, the people are my new family members, and this is my new 411 to find the good shit for my recovery. Don’t get it twisted dropping every avenue of using didn’t come easy at first and challenging what I would do without drugs was done in the beginning. I felt I was being forced to change my mind so I continued to get high, even though, I was on probation with a strict white man for a P.O. I thank God he was patient and seen something me and didn’t violate me immediately. Although he was suggesting or more so ordering me 2 go to a treatment center. He was optimistic about treatment. He know their really is no treatment for crack/cocaine or weed. It might not be any medical treatment for an addict in a 12 step program, but mentally and physically there is. Listening too many addicts share their stories show us the answers to the unseen (the future). What we may question in the beginning as far as what can happen if we get clean? That question is answered by attraction not promotion. God has proven thru other addicts, who live the program; life is better on the other side. This in turn encourages me to want to continue recovery. Recovery can be a beautiful experience unlike going to jail and institutions. I am glad when I see someone getting their one day key chain. I realize they didn’t punk out and died. They wised up and are continuing to live. I learned what drugs do? It clouded my judgment and made my morals decease over a course of time. I saw my nevers become my reality in the end. Some things I still might not have done would have been done if I had continued. Hell in the beginning of my using addiction years ago my insane thinking told me I was alright. Hell my thinking was my best friend and teacher. Since I wasn’t looking like I was at rock bottom I thought practicing and including people with experience into my circle was alright. I never thought about any character defects. I never knew they exist. But I know too day they were always there and were enhanced the more I experiment with different drugs and more people with different experiences. I learned the more I used and studied those that used different drugs they weren’t like me I thought. I noticed they were suffering more and it had nothing to do with appearance telling on them. Anyhow, I became intrigued or attracted to them instantly. I thought or knew I could control them. I used the shit out them in order to maintain my wellness (being high). The entire time I didn’t pay any attention, but I was using drugs to hide behind. My lust issues was somewhat perverted let society tell it, but I beg to differ. I knew drugs would make a low self esteem woman not question what I wanted sexually. Anyhow my choice of women when I was hunting normally landed me a girl who turned tricks. Me believing I wasn’t an addict made me a good manipulator at least I thought. In the beginning I was sparkling to some people. They didn’t know what I did unless they were in my circle. I was selling drugs so u knows I accustomed a dealer’s habit instantly. I talked quick and not because I was from Apple. I assume I had better talk as quick as I think it would keep an addict off balance. I knew women would b intrigued with me. So I thought. To some tricks I was the prince and they were the frog. And someone told me don’t let them bitches know what cards u holding. Hook them and u will never b ill. I did this and found a host of tricks that thought I was their medicine. I protected them and they paid me for it with money and loved fulfilling my sex fantasies whatever they were. I even had women who wasn’t tricking working good jobs. All they wanted was the dick and who was I to deprive them? Certainly, I was not a fool so they got it as long as they kicking out. Most times I was sporting tricks on my arm and most men didn’t know who they were. And if they did they would wonder how the hell I got her to change to a housewife? Who said, she changed? She just looks more acceptable in your eyes. I was schooled but I didn’t hear all the lessons and I missed some days when I should have been present. Nevertheless I ran on what I thought I knew. I targeted woman who hung on corner or around the area. No it wasn’t so apparent they were selling pussy, but once the conversation arose it was apparent. I knew their self esteem was low enough for me to run my Obama suggestions about change on them. Hell they went for it and in turn they didn’t regret what prices they had to pay. Sometimes I didn’t even want the money, but I took it just to keep them in check. I really can’t say I was a pimped, because most of them thought pimp was too low of a word to categorize them self with. I smiled when they suggested I was called their manager. It was like they were Mickey Dee’s or something. This is real talk I had women with the best pussy a man could fall in love with. Niggas would neglect their family just to get his fantasies answered. Since he was chasing feelings it didn’t matter to her if I was too chasing my own when it was just us 2. She was use to it by now. I remember how crazy I was and they would say to me u come prepared. I couldn’t have sex without my sex tools in the beginning unlike the end. In the end sex didn’t even matter. My toys were candles, ropes, high heels, thongs, mood enhancements, and some other things that would change your whole outlook on the world of sex. My sexual escapades were as scrambled as eggs and mixed up like fruit. I was considered a voyeur by all means. I mean I could have a female with a gorilla face and everything right from the neck down in my stable. And I would treat her like one of charlies’angels. Only a dummy would fuck up his own high and means to get high. Most of my woman was required to smell nice first. I wanted people to know u was in the room. They had wear something that would make a wife burn her husband eyes out, if he dare thought about peeking at one of my tasties remember the bitch could b looking like king kong, but her attitude, knowledge of what men wanted to hear, among else a body that was a crime to have and no.1 they had to have pretty feet. That was one of my requirements and it wasn’t just for the trick. It was for my own personal satisfaction. I didn’t mind sharing her with others. I felt they admired me and want to be like me. Since they were paying the hell for what they thought, fuck her and pay me. Plan and simple the disease knew what I liked just as much as drugs and that was a female, with mountain road curves that would get u dizzy just looking at her, with some meat on her bones, can’t forget that Mac lip gloss or candy apple red lips. This was to accompany those professionally pedicure painted toes. You know I would ask a girl to kick her shoes off and if they weren’t to my standards, she had to get to it fitted immediately, if she wanted to fuck with me. Some thought nothing of it, but it was serious as a heart attack to me. Summertime, I would go places just to watch women dressed in business attire, which was another turn on. I would look at their feet on purpose because I wanted to see their feet. I would pray to God quickly to see them with their open toe shoes. That shit would send me mentally crazy truthfully. And I don’t know too many men that don’t think like me. I would fuck with an ugly one as long as the feet was right and they would b right in my mouth while was grinding in that pussy. It became a ritual because still to this day the feet have to look like something. I am not as critical, but I won’t fuck with a hammer toe chick. She could look like Janet Jackson, she got nothing coming. When I was able to hook or crook one of these females, they would gracious get the invite 2 my dungeon as I like to call it. And waiting for them was a pair of heels, it didn’t matter what was her taste or height requirements, she had to put them on. And keep them on. Stroll around my house, let me hear you. I don’t care if u sound like a horse, I would gawk at her ass for hours. I would tell her to put on some lingerie and heels. Then tell her to go make me some pancakes. I knew as long as she was stirring her body was going start giggling. I would tell her to do certain things that I thought was sexy. When she went to the bathroom I had to watch. I got even more thrilled if she had to go in the alley. See what I am saying that is some sick shit the funny thing I am not ashame to write. And if she was into wax, yes candle wax, I would set her ass on fire damn near. I think I got more of thrill just knowing I could smell the stench of sweaty feet afterwards and during my carnival. Let’s not even talk about the photography or sex videos that were made starring ME. Sometimes, honestly when I didn’t feel like a woman, the clothes, shoes and thoughts of the previous one who wore that shit was enough to feed obsess insane cravings. I believed the drug part of my disease had a lot to do with my character defect. Although, I am not using today I still entertain them thoughts. I even wish I could just do it again and I mean without the drugs. In this world, addiction is the problem and recovery is the key. I have learned my character defects don’t mean I am crazy, although I do think insane a lot of times. I am more then happy today I am doing the necessary things to understand and change my defects. Most people would rather bury that part of them, because their esteem no matter how high or low tells them u betta not say nothing. No one is going to like u or they going to heckle u. fuck that! every mutha fucka on this earth got some type of character defects, it don’t matter whether they trying to learn about how to change it or they trying hard to bury it, I just know I am not alone. I would rather challenge changing me and my fetish behavior then to try and hide behind it. Suppose I force myself to forget or ignore my lust issues and I pick up what I like? Suppose who I like to share my fantasies with also like doing CRACK? Suppose I don’t investigate more thorough while in her company, but in the back of my mind I already know the deal and I still go with her? If I ignore this shit and get so caught up in what she got on, smell, and doing believe me my recovery is in jeopardy. Because my disease will tell me u ok get the thrill don’t worry about having to use. I know damn well my lustcapades can get out of control. If I don’t see no drugs disease will convince me I’m ok. Hell, what if that bitch decides she wants to smoke some CRACK while I am hitting it from the back? What if she doesn’t tell me and just decide to just whip out and while I am in action. I see or smell that smoke, I can’t call 911 to save my ass if. I go to hell with a pipe in my hand. So now a day’s I don’t fuck with my recovery by including myself in my fetish company, because they can like every damn thing I like and some things aren’t good for me. I have discovered I have to uncover to continue to recover. When I chose to remove my mask I was actually accepting the suffering addict behind it. I was also willing to accept and change my defects. The only medicine that could be called a cure is exposing me by being real with the truth! I must keep this shitty part of me up front so I don’t fuck any one life up starting with mine. Change comes over a course of time. Just for today I will tell myself I can with only the help of the Higher Power.

71 days old 4 the addict name Carlton The Higher Power deserves all that credit. Once I decided 2 stop playing with his gift,Life,and do as he said not as I want. Only then recognized I was blessed all the time. What I mean is not what I have, been, or screwed. The things I have done to myself, from using different drugs including alcohol. Not just the using how I used to later abusing all substances, including women. No one was exempt in the beginning especially in the end. At the end of my addiction I harmfully obtained money or drugs to feed obsession and compulsion. No one mattered, family, friends and especially strangers. Strangers who used became my new family. Sometime they became allies, in the end they became the spitting image of enemies. They were just like me not physical, but socially. They too become cunning, infamous, and untrustworthy. If they came in your house, you better tell them to clap their hands and don't once stop clapping. A break in the continuous sound of clapping means most likely they took something. We are worst with one another. The diease forces us to wonder how I can get some or all of that. The diease don’t suggest sharing is an option. This motherfucker doesn’t come with a built in morals or compassion mode. You grow accustom to and being mentally and physically cunning for satisfaction. Could this obsess way of thinking be arrested or channeled to do good? Most probably would say no and some say yeah. I can say yes and no, because it is normally the same behavior without the use of drugs. Addiction converts this into evil, self centeredness, and plain and simple selfishness. We sometimes already acquired these traits as children. It doesn’t matter whether you have other sibling or just an only child, but if such things as sharing and share alike is never displayed in the home. Of course when a process of addiction occurs this same unnatural behavior is going to surface. And if u was granted the home training the disease will manifest this behavior to use as acceptance. Normally because so many of us were once the victims and grow long and tired of this process continuing, we learn since the addiction is not going to wear off but mature we can’t avoid these traits of animalistic not normal values. Most people who grew up in addict’s havens most times display this same dog eat dog behavior and are clean. This is normally a process of I don’t want 2 continue to dwell in the last place finishing mode. I want to win. So they manipulate their inner self into believing I can handle this. Only until the any means possible situations incorporate them into becoming the victim of their own commonly used circumstances is when they want to cry foul. Do what goes up don’t come down or u believe it is not suppose happen to u? I’ve been on the receiving end of being manipulated many of times clean. And when I wasn’t clean or even fresh, cause I was more then likely drowning my sorrows in the bottle, I use to always question why life like this for me is? In my eyes a lot of those I was viewing had their life together. Only if I could’ve been a fly on the wall and seen when they took off what I thought was the mask and seen how they handled life. They sort help from their Higher Power. Now I questioned do he answer? That is the answer only that person can answer. However, pray WORKS. Many of times I thought it didn’t or wouldn’t work for me, but when I look at how much and how many times I used for a feeling not knowing how lucky I was to actually wake up tomorrow. I know my blessings were there without me even asking him for it. Because anytime I inhaled or swallowed my drug of choice, it could have been my last breath. Grateful is just the word I know to use. My gratitude goes as far as anyone can see and beyond. Just for today I know I am blessed. Why cause I made it thru all them yesteryears of self inflicted hell. The times I had things and just didn’t know how to use be grateful for what I had. I was thankful all the time, but was I following his Good Orderly Directions (GOD)? No. Could I blame fear for not knowing what to expect if I did? No, only if I knew fear was one of the tools the disease would use against me. The diseases don’t need permission and won’t ask. Just for today the things I had yesteryear is all possible to obtain now that I’ve woken out of my dream state and stopped blaming, hiding, running, and looking outside of myself for comfort. I am and no longer the victim I claimed to have been. My hostages I have released and I have surrendered to what is unknown and no longer am I will to b a humble participant of what I can see and know is obsessively harmful. I am conscious of my surroundings. I can’t blame anyone for my self indulgence. I have always looked for combatants who were or worst then me. I was sure I could be there leader. It was easy. Neither of us had any self worth, direction, or common sensibility. The worst part of this disease it convinced me I was needed and I could and should be their leader. The only thing I didn’t govern most times was their use. But yes I told them when to show up, what to bring, and I controlled what they got if I went to get it. How I did that? If I went to cop, I would stop somewhere on the way back and reshape the bag(s). That is called robbing an addict and justify it as a payment. In my mind I figured if I didn’t I wasn’t going to appreciate no couple of rocks, leftovers or a hit for risking my freedom. Funny thing happened over the course of time. A couple times it happened to me and I knew beyond a shadow of doubt. I knew the game. I couldn’t prove it. And plus I was too shameful to accuse someone. Cause like the old saying goes- if u accuse someone of something you really trying to hide your own guilt. And I surely should have been tried, sentenced, and executed many of days for the shit I was trying to bury. Remind that trait about being able to play unselfishly with others. Well the diease casts that shit out the window. Everybody gets a turn. Either u going to victimize someone or show up when your name is called. Don’t try trace your roots back to childhood and figure that trait out. Once u get addicted to learning how to live as an active addict. All types of traits you will pick up a lot the way. Just for today I will b unafraid. My thoughts will be on my NEW ASSOCIATIONS. People who are not using and who have found a NEW way of life. As long as I follow that way I have nothing to fear. As long as the ties that bind us together are stronger then those that will tear us apart ALL WILL BE WELL. Don’t let experience become your or continue being your teacher. Learn from me I already did it for you.

Good afternoon, Addict name Carlton available 2 u 70 days serene and so fresh and so clean clean. I had 2 add that good note in there. Just 2 encourage anyone who desire 2 change their way of free will thinking or going against God’s spiritual will. I know I have people around me who use 2 say most of that, but not in the spiritual ream, but in the religious preaching way. Hell I am just learning what my spiritual purpose is and not that I never really understood the reglious way. Only because they as a society was like doctors, they could treat a cold, operate, but they wasn’t God they couldn’t cure. And if they were able 2 cure then this world would b turned upside down because it would b cures, 4 HIV, Sickle Cell, Hepatitis, and so on. But what do I know if a man made this designs 2 destroy human exist then maybe they are hiding the evidence of their antidoke. I know one thing they can’t cure: the disease of addiction. So far I haven’t ran into any alcoholic, sexual addict, gramble-holic, drug addict, and anyone with an addiction of habit, cure their disease, with medicine, mental or physical attention. Instead they arrest the problem. They give themselves a break by praying, going 2 meetings, and don’t use, pick up, or surround themselves with their trigger traits. I was there and I didn’t have 2 b in ur shoes 2 know if u are like me, close or not near, I know how u feel. And if u feel u don’t have the addiction label, keep using or stick around u will find out one away another 1 is never end and a 1000 will never equal satisfaction. Might kill yourself mentally b/4 u do physically. And if that should happen 2 occur stop running in the opposite direction and get ur ass that help that u deserve. The disease will only fool you with ur own thinking. The disease will make u believe in yourself. It never give u a hint u r your biggest problem. Bad think about it. There is so much help around. That Pride shit ain’t yours once that animal in u come out. That is the other side of you’re fucked up not knowing who u could become. Although u might believe I am talking about you, I am really reminding myself 2 never forget who I am not God. I can’t create, manage, or live on self determination as I was. But I have came a long ways within 70 days thank the Creator. I experience shit 4 those who haven’t experienced shit yet, so that hands on experience stupid ass motto shouldn’t be tested. Going on self will with very little idea hold blaffling ignorance is cause many of us not 2 make 2 the rooms of serenty. Once that choice is recognized is only after being forced. By then u after no where undamaged, but the good thing is u r available 2 experience the most beautiful moment u had better take advantage of – LIVING CLEAN. Not accepting defeat don’t only hurt yourself, but others around u. most of those include parents, wifey, the chile, hubby, homey, and especially strange people u know haven’t done shit but became a victim. Oooo Strangers, they was my favorite, because I thought I would never see them again. Tell ur thinking Shut The Fuck up Because what u do in the dark come 2 the light. U might b that strange victim looking 4 a victim. What a great feeling it is not having 2 schemes on people’s property and pretend it was all innocent. My insane side said they could get more where that came from. Shit most times when they did I was back again doing that same dangerous shit. I knew their shit wasn’t mine, but my addiction told me fuck’em. What is really twisted the way I slung my dick around 4 money, power, comfort, and feelings. My shit should b hanging on by thread today, but back in the day I thought I was so bad I needed a rope just 2 hold it in place. Yea like if it was a horse. I thought because I could use like a bat and play ball, I was going 2 slide in home plate, b/4 I even got 2 first base. I was public whore no.1. Most times women were my meal. I would dine on their lack of intelligence which was clouded by how big, long, and what it could do. Damn right I advantage of them being I would get mad if someone beat me 2 the best one. I new I had them when their English language started sounded like a bunch of moaning. Mission was especially complete when they hollered 4 God not to stop me. They were satisified as long as I was the master plumber. I use 2 just manipulate women all brand - ugly, pretty, stupid, smart, if an alien had tities 10 times 2 the 1st power I 4 would bang her back out. I had ran into some tough customers that was unattainable I thought, until word got out the Complete Package was around. His tongue was like wet wipes, his tool was like one of them old grinders in the shed, and he could move like football with style and grace. I was dropping them off when the dollar was right and wasn’t. if it was no money guarantee then I was testing out the feeling. Most times I really enjoyed the feeling of getting paid more then getting the pussy, but feelings doesn’t always take a backseat 2 money, so u know a couple of times I got my heart broke. Nothing drugs couldn’t blanket. The next one had hell 2 pay. Since I was in the love with Girl she was much better and safer then a real girl with Gold between her legs. I use 2 always convince myself of this myth. I guess after a while u learn Love should mean Legs Open Very Easy. I should have never ventured into the world of those who assumed they were prostitutes because they had their profession wrong or they was confused about the word. Once they hit me off with the pussy they got the roles reserved. I was no longer treated like the trick. They tricked themselves and thought their money was my money. Yes, they begin paying me 2 knock the willies off their trap box. They would call me their manager, cause no trick could control or make them lose their mind like I did. They actually was falling in LOVE. And their legs opened very easier and they paid me good. Who was I to change their mind. I wasn’t going 2 b that fool 2 change their mind. What fool with a habit was going 2 try? Show me him and I will congratulated him today and welcome him, cause I know he was chased 2 the rooms by now. I wanna hear his story so I could see how the dumb half lived. I wasn’t one 2 look that gift horse in the mouth. Instead I look 4 her 2 keep coming back, cause me, myself, and my addiction fell in love with her. Yeah, I loved both when she opened wide and paid my habit some attention with them dead presidents. We (me and my habit) would have killed anyone that fucked with our gold egg laying goose. Later down the road a problem developed. My habit was not on the same page. This mother fucker decided me looking and playing the part had 2 slowly 2 quickly come 2 an end. What I was use 2 doing like wasting money on wining and dining, was limiting how long or how many times I got high. Then don’t forget she had 2 support both of our shit. Slowly these my bread winners was no longer options. I turned 2 not wanting her cause she didn’t want me. I had slipped I was not slipping. I had a gravity complex. I didn’t want 2 feel or face what goes up do come down. That went from appearance, 2 prestige I thought It was all about me, I thought I was a legend in my own mind. Only because the pussy gave me that status. The habit they had told them this nigga is not worth both of us not getting high. What is he doing 4 u? When my inabilities pay no attention and needed push 2 the breaks on her thinking I failed register I was about to be out of time, cash, and my self esteem was in jeopardy. It 2 was always being tested, but now I had 2 address it. And from that point in my life, I was settling 4 the lesser of women, money, ideas, and I totally limited myself 2 whatever was quick. Now don’t believe it wasn’t times in my life where I didn’t have the right women, who broke home with their pay check and gave it 2 an active, insane, and manipulating addict who was like a wolf on the prowl. Yes I did have them, but that gravity issue always showed up. I think the disease just feed me false dream flakes and I looked forward 4 them everyday. If they wasn’t flakes, I would take the bran, frosted, and/or anything just 2 get me out of reality just 2 keep me limited. That was me being me and not willing 2 change my mind’s underwear. If I had put my dick away and stop believing it was my God back then I wouldn’t b sharing with u now. Hell I probably would have been on a different level if I was spared and not dead yet. I just have 2 thank the higher power cause I have no control and I can admit what I don’t know shit about.

69 days and yes Carlton is still an addict I thank u God, my higher power for allowing me 2 live as a functional addict. Not a still active addicted addict, who is unmanageable, living in denial (don’t even no I am lying), self centered and selfish person who will not surrender 2 God, but 2 the disease of addiction. Today I know life is not bad when living on life’s terms. I just deal with situations as they arrive. It doesn’t matter how big or small the dilemma, I know I don’t have 2 use. Cause one crumb, bud, sip is too many and 1,000 will never b enough. I was the type of addict that needed more then one of anything from kilograms 2 pounds or teaspoons 2 gallons. In the end I might not be able to afford 1,000 of anything, but over a period of time it would amount up. Today I longer worry but I do think about what is best 4 a self suffering addict that doesn’t use drugs dependencies, but now himself. I depend on what got me this far, my prays or my results of my prayers I patiently wait 2 show up. These answer could be suggestions from my group and not my group conscience (me, myself, and I), which only allows me 2 reinstitute what I have learned. This only came as a result of pulling the cotton out my ear and shove as much as I could into my mouth, so I won’t detour my learning into another direction. See I know a lot, but I am not going 2 b ignorant 2 the fact that I don’t know anything about recovering. See this process in my life, I have done before, but not with a society of recovering addicts, who have millions of days compared 2 my newly acquired time. My time is only important 2 me, but to the group or society I am the most important person. See me and any new comer is constantly adding on to them ties that bind us all together. I also know I can’t go on without the 12 steps and the program certainly will go on with out me. I understand there are no big I’s and little U’s. This is the processes that don’t allow u 2 fail with as much information, people with that knowledge willing 2 help, and the higher power him or her self. It will b I if I believe not in the program and go on self will that will be accountable for failing. Imagine yourself as a car and u doing the driving. I am in control of my own destiny. I must maintain the maintenance in order to drive or ride smoothly. My shocks and wheels had better be upgraded in order to withstand the potholes, remember 2 b cautious cause it is slippery when wet weather and keeping the oil and gas tank full so no interruption can occur. I am responsible for this. I can’t blame someone when I was suppose 2 maintain all them things, they don’t have 2 drive or foot the bill. And if they do and I want 2 keep enjoying what I was blessed with then I am still responsible. I certainly should go at it half ass either. I better remember 2 go to the right dealership so all these things could b repaired or adjust to make my ride comfortable, safe, and enjoyable. Today if I am 2 grow from what I have learned about being responsible. I better not run, manipulate or procrastinate about becoming responsible it is not a likely option. If I am going 2 improve my life I had better change my outlook and use some new resources I have learned concerning responsibility. I have also realized people come into your life for number of situations and reasons no matter how long they remain. It is not clear all the time why they are here, so I pay more attention 2 them in the beginning, because their end may come a lot sooner, if they know I have an invisible wall up. This is 2 guard against them fuckin with my comfort. I am responsible 2 protect myself the way a parent would do their children. Not a hard one 2 do or understand. I am responsible 4 myself and the things I do or allow done 2 myself. So that is where loving me more then anyone else comes into play. If I allow someone 2 disrupt my circle in anyway and I don’t say nothing 2 them they feel will I am unorganized and they can continue. I had better make them aware I am not going 4 that shit and no I am afraid of them or comfortable with their miserable ass. Most times it could b a joke, which if it is about me or u, don’t think they was just making fun without it being how they feel or they stating their truth about you. Most times I use 2 laugh because someone had something I wanted and although they were having fun at my expense most times it was probably the truth. And then sometimes I was convincing myself I was manipulating them into believing they was funny so I could get what I want they had. This was that price of admission I punished myself as payment 2 enter the zoo. My low self esteem told me it was already because they had what I wanted. So if I showed up and allowed them 2 mentally beat me and they paid me, even if it was less then expect it was ok. My insane thinking told me at least u got something. Instead of learning from that experience I went on 2 bury my self esteem another 6 feet deeper. Not understanding as long as I was addicted I wouldn’t reach out 4 help until forced, because my disease told me they were right 4 what they said. I had 2 learn letting go of pride or self will is the only way 2 grow and built back up my destroyed self esteem. I am the problem when I don’t let go. Pride will rob me of my clean time, mind, happiness and most time all that and my life. Become pained up and don’t share it with someone. I for sure can say since this is about me it is some what true with a lot of us. But what I just wrote about Pride can land us in jails, instutitions or our grave if we don’t awaken from the symptoms diease pound us with. Those that use drugs on a regular, like I once did and didn’t do believe they had a problem cause we or I was 2 busy listening 2 my pride. That was a part of the diease. It forced me not wanting 2 admit I had and was my own problem. But as long was I blaming society, but using society at all cost. How in the hell could I surrender before I got evicted, My car got repossed, moved into a crack, went 2 jail trying 2 get crack money 2 get the crack 4 the rent and my personal use just 2 live in this crackhouse. I knew the procedures, I ran a crack house 2 no result unsuccessful. Certainly Pride told me it was ok and I believed that shit. And 2 really play with my insane thinking I referred back 2 my group conscience (me, myself, and I) 2 eitch it in stone. That was my comfort zone I hid my feelings. I would b damn if I was snitching on myself. All they would do is validate my uncomfortableness with myself. I became my worst critic soon maintaining an unbalance behavior that later was Identified as me being my worst enemy. I was Public Enemy No. 1 fuck hussien and osamba. This even occurred after their were no drugs in my life. That is when I really recognized I was using drugs as a “life avoid dressing tamper proof shield. So u can imagine how it was with drugs. I now knew why I thank God for letting me get burnt, cause that was farther validation that I was getting tired of drugs being used 2 try and hide myself. I was assassinating my own character everyday. I only allowed certain people do it for me. Only if the price was right. One of them requirements was if u didn’t have something between your legs and was willing 2 share; then it had better been in your pocket or wallet. If u came up 2 the plate and expect 2 do it. I would fight 4 my few grams of pride I had left. Then I would avoid encountering u like a virus. Pussy and/or meant u had more then a recruit u had a volunteer for this war. Today thru 12 and 12 I am no longer showing up 4 bullshit that don’t have nothing 2 give me that is worth while shorting up 4. that include what is between legs, walls, and some people ears, nosense. Just 4 today I know what is my self worth and I am utilizing it 2 the fullest. thanks 4 letting me share.

Hi family I’m an addict name Carlton 58 days and moving How does it feel when u get near 60 days clean and sober? Like the days before Grateful u got this far. 58 days isn’t easy 2 accomplish, just knowing I survived another day is certainly a blessin and a present welcomed. This is the building method I have used 2 get 58 day; pray, go 2 meeting and didn’t pick up. O, can’t forget didn’t hang with a soul who didn’t have my best interest at heart. Of course there is going 2 b times when I think about one or the other, but after I think about what the hell happens afterwards scared the shit out me. Me, hurt my Higher Power’s Feelings after he gave me yet another chance 2 prove I am one of his angels 2 use? I don’t think so. God gave me many soldiers with resources. He gave me permission 2 use them 2 help ME. They along with the literature are the tools of recovery. Believe me, if I couldn’t get 2 a meeting or to any of the tools, then God never let me down when I called upon him 4 mercy and guidance. Until then he would provide out of nowhere another addict, who was going 2 or we could form a meeting which was the help I needed 2 hold on. I dare not let that information fall by the waist side, cuz that would b like questioning my Faith in him. If I have it then I had betta use it 2 the best of my ability at all times. I now understand the clichés “one addict helping another” is the best thing about this program. C “in order 2 keep what we have we must give it away “. One day we could b the one with our back up against the wall. And that wall ain’t moving so u best not Challenge “life on life’s terms”, cuz u will eventually LOSE!!! Ex. If 10 of us r hanging out and 9 of us r getting high or drunk and u don’t leave, don’t call on the Most High, keep it moving, and just decide u can handle it. I will b here whenever they gain enuff courage 2 come back or they get tired of being sick and tired yet again! What I have is priceless. U can have what I have easily it is not religious, but spiritual with skies r the limit as far as rewards go. And it has nothing 2 do with material, cuz they can b destroyed, reprocessed, or stolen. When u got the information that is not only power but able 2 make u powerful, just believe a Triple H (WWF), Glock (Gun), or Pamela Anderson (Sexy, but freaky) can’t compared. Feeling good now is an understandment. once I noticed what was at stake and it had nothing 2 do with money, but my life and God’s love, how in the hell could I deny God’s hand. When he offered it 2 me when I was in that hole and no else would reach out 2 me or was attempting 2 I can’t turn my back on him now. U bet I jumped up in God’s arms. I finally got the opportunity 2 do what no one else know how 2 tell me, LEARN CARLTON. Until then I was able 2 get in touch with my spiritual side. This time in my life I finally got something no man can take from ME. Since I Surrendered and Accepted, I am now getting the necessary serenity & courage 2 change what I can and accept what I can’t change. Wisdom comes gradually 2 know the difference. First I started with my life and I love mine now, so u can bet I won’t fuck this chance up. I won’t b glad when these 60 days get here. I do know on day 60th I will b GLAD!!! Thanks 4 letting me Share. I will keep coming Back!

Addict name Carlton with 53 days Clean & Sober I like 2 Thank the God of my overstandin 2 allow me another opportunity 2 do his will not mine. This Is the process I have 2 achieve and I strive everyday, down 2 the ticks in between the tocks 2 do on a light 2 darkness basis (those of u that are lost morning 2 night). Anyhow, when I looked at what I have achieved I definitely have 2 say thank you 2 God. Cuz u see I was a ruthless character, who auditioned lames 4 my big apple rawkus. Most times when I was torturing those claimin they street certified and official were nothing but run of the mill paper weight clowns, I really and truly felt they deserved what the hell they asked 4, me! A nigga with a cunning and demonic disease that was like semore, on little shop of horrors, hollerin out feed me. So in return what ever u had, might as well shared, cuz I had it now. I was like really resembling the shit I didn’t like Stupidity, cuz I knew betta. O, how the days have a way of showing the changing of the season also come with timetable plan.1 u have no idea when your time is up. I am talking about myself. After I wasn’t done stealin my people’s soul with my substitution 4 happy, I decided it must had 2 b something good about drugs, cuz damn, if I didn’t go from being the person in demand 2 demanding it myself. My disease told me what to do with my money, time, children, family, appearance, and anything I took pride in. I was more then a menace 2 society. I was and became more then my own enemy. Sometimes I wanted 2 escape my own body, so when I found out I had cancer, I took the necessary treatments, but all the while I felt destroyed. I had never experienced anything close 2 cancer, so I thought. But today I have 2 admit I did have something that was just as deadly and it was a drug habit aka: disease of addiction. Anyhow, I just gave up my will and sorted happiness in my addiction cunningness, all the while I wanted 2 die and use drugs until that time. So used more and more or I let those sellin the drugs use me, like it was soap in the morning 2 wash their ass. Like it was sun light beamin thru their window, like it was a tasty steak I drooled for. Of course they didn’t share shit with me, until I paid 4 it, damn near with my life. Yea, I drooled 4 the crack cocaine, the different tastes the ingredients of the exotic and concocted weeds, my mind told me was right 2 get. I was smothering myself 2 forget something I don’t remember how or where I caught it from. I thought when I brought the ticket 2 experience cocaine I was on an amusement park ride. That ride was replaced when CRACK opened its playground and every attraction seem like I was on a fantastic voyage. The only problem, I had no parachute or indication when I would need one. I wish this disease came with a warning label or some instructions I could read. Because, people talking about it with their just say no campaign, sounded foreign 2 me. Imagine growin up in a PJ’s household, where everyone denied they were addicts or had problems. Every did something, whether it was coke, dope, pill, alcohol, or weed they each thought the others addiction was worst then the other. Then they had the nerve 2 try and tell me what not 2 do. The seed was planted, my sight was my on the job training. I am about 2 get to the juicy Fruit part of this disease, u ready, if not u got the same cushion I had, none. While goin thru the non tropic feelin of Chemo, which in actuality was another way 2 kill 2 birds with one I-V, me and the cancer. Shit, but I had a secret desire, not 2 cure me of the cancer. I asked 4 my life 2 cease, but I was selfish as shit, I wanted 2 do it by usin as much drugs as possible. I had STOPPED the chemo. No one knew why. I know today that the disease of addiction ordered me 2 do it. I was use 2 tryin 2 kill myself by way of addiction. Most times trying 2 get high was the addiction, cuz I wasn’t getting nowhere near high as a midget’s ass. I was practicing so much when I got some good shit, I didn’t know how 2 act. B/4 longs I would b back on the prowl. At the same time I was rude 2 the Higher Power, I was makin him jealous also, because I was listenin 2 my disease, not relying on faith in him, and i was prayin backwards. I would wish/pray 2 die while usin or from using. Well someone died. u guessed it, it wasn’t me. It just happened 2 b my baby sister, in the bronx new york. She was my best friend, who I really got 2 know, but she never got 2 meet the real me. How could she I was busy in other states trying 2 get higher then gas prices. I know the High Power punished all our family members in one way or another. I got the worst of the pain killer affects, cuz I was trying 2 do my will not his and take my own life. Takin drugs wasn’t bad enuff, but I was willin 2 take my own life with it like it was my life 2 take. 1st of all if God give u life, it is not yours 2 take. That is why they have laws on the books about suicide. The disease of addiction prescribed something called insane thinking and my thoughts circled around fear, stupidity, self-centeredness and denial along with the drug. Let me break the ingredients a part 4 betta understanding. Fear- run from the results of ur wishes, use more much more! Stupidity- play the role of hurt instead of really showing guilt! Self-Centeredness – Don’t except u have 2 b bury not u but ur baby sister/best friend! Denial – do nothing in ur power 2 not believe, if u don’t go 2 the funeral, everything will b well. That is right I didn’t go a mutha fuckin place. U would have thought she was a stranger on the street and I didn’t have 2 go and pay my respects. And it wasn’t 4 that reason I didn’t go, I didn’t want 2 leave the MUTHA FUCKIN CRACK alone. It had nothing 2 do with the pussy that was feedin me with the substance more then a word of encouragement 2 put that pipe down and go pay your respects. Mind now I had isolated myself so bad with my family here in the same city, I couldn’t picture myself sittin a car 4 hours 2 go and bury someone I love. I probably would've had 2 walk either 2 NY or back 2 Baltimore. I was an active addict dealin with the ones who made it seem ok, 2 uses, and my family. They were and still in denial. They do everything in their power 2 shy away from understandin shit. It took a little bit of time 2 find out what and who was the problem, Crack and Me, cut and dry. I did a mental moral inventory of me. I want 2 know y I wrong about shit I feel is right at the time. I understand punishment more now then back then. I also know it is more so a much behind most shit that happens. I am glad I have the opportunity 2 b the messenger. I am no longer seduced by active ingredients that make up addicts, who haven’t yet surrender. Instead 2 day I have surrendered, not because of no courts, I can attest 2 people, places and things, bein my reason. Once I changed my playmates, the playground, and the toys, I then had 2 stop playin 2 with the High power and his will. I have the serenity 2 accept the unchangeable not the unmanageable, courage 2 change things I can, and I am very careful of how I define the wisdom between the 2.

2 Whom It May Concern: Since, I talk 2 fast, mayb reading will equip ur overstandin skills 4 betta comp-pre-hension (comprehension). Suddenly, I must finally address whom find it asumin 2 entertain my thoughts with the new but old life mental emotion – Hatorade. It damn sure not an energy substitute surplement (it is not healthy). I could have sworn it take up more time 2 write hate, then 2 read, but U find out different when ur the target. From this point on READ SLOWLY, if u r experience any ecelective difficulties. Open ur mind or Websters, not ur mouth, comment page or legs. U of all people know I had 2 make choices that benefited me, my recovery, and where I choose 2 lay my head, not doin, givin or getting some head (Sex). So if ur mind was altered by what u missed 2 interpret, then I was clearly under the assumption a translator was not required. Instead now I have the funny feelin instructions r required when tryin 2 use any source of communication I’m speakin 2 U! No, I am not allowed 2 travel yet out the city unlimitedly by law. But that seems 2 b part of the problem since u think u r the solution, I just didn’t know it was a problem that would cuz ill feelins. I would b lyin if I said, I didn’t care, but u know me well enuff 2 have learned, I put up with bullshit b/4 I eat where I shit. Cut, Clean, and Walked Dry aka: NO, I DID NOT PLAY U, pass the first initial situation (u know whom I talking about). The ammunition u tryin 2 use now might hurt or anger u, but it is weak as a water gun. I can’t b wit u as u want now not excluding the future (I can’t speak 4 u N if not in ur future, I am glad the creator didn’t forget 2 make beings after he made u! No offense hope none taken, but when I get my mail it will surely show me just how many issues r on sale. I don't have no money, so u know i am not a customer) READ THE SCREEN VERY CAREFULLY, I am under a roof, wit certain individuals, I have no control over who they r. True that is my problem, so don’t make it urs, unless u truly do love me, as u claim. I hope it ain’t cuz i can park between sum legs openin very easily. In my defense I didn’t see u like that, rewind ur mind and remember what said in the beginning, it don’t matter about sex 2 me, just don’t temp me with the promises of nuts and honey! So what I am sayin is if I said, I needed a hole 2 lay my head in. No, it is not 4 Sex, about Sex, or Sex is how i pay the rent! Don’t twist my words 2 betta suit ur feels, I am not a rubic’s cube, we can play twister, just read carefully perferably b/4 u get twisted. Now I really can’t recall twistin ur thoughts or putting my situation out in the limelight 2 b mis-diagnosed by u. In fact I have been telling u exclusively what BEEN goin down detail 4 detail, but mayb ur mind was absent that day, cuz if u really think about it, the excuses u stickin 2, really don’t have 2 legs 2 stand on. So if u felt u bended over and got fucked, u sure it was me, since u havin a baby (drama) over it. I really don’t want 2 lose ur friendship, if nothing else (BOO WHO). But if u came into my six degrees of separation circle 4 a reason, season, lifetime, or a few minutes, then mission complete. U always knew I was a dollar short and day late! Mayb that is the problem, but when I finish robbin peter I am going 2 pay Cliff and Paul. Consider the check 2 b postdate N in the mail. I’m not Santa Claus u can believe in me. I’m not most people I know u won’t turn ur back me. U can call my name N I will b there whether, spiritually, mentally, soon physically, if u not still soakin ur mind in bleach. U betta not take this as a dis. I had 2 cum at u this way, cuz u seem 2 like makin things public, commentin on Blogs, Now u got something 2 comment about. U C now, if u didn’t know how I get down. U got a place somewhere in my heart u FUCK aka Friend U Can KEEP!