I only buy extra virgin olive oil...Because I don't know where those other oils have been.

Do you know what kind of porn ghost watch ? Bookaki.

If U live to be 100,U should make up some fake reason why,just to fuck with people..like claim U ate a pinecone every single day.ߘܰߘ

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy... so I got drunk.

What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"? About three inches.

Monday isn't so bad if you: skip work, get hammered, join a gang, get a piercing, bang a hooker and buy a giraffe. It’s Tuesday that sucks.

It's so cold that I have to take half a Viagra so I won't pee on my shoes.

Remember, Christmas is over if you sit on a strangers lap now and ask for stuff it's because you're a whore.

I've finally stopped drinking for good ... And I've started drinking for evil.

I've finally stopped drinking for good ... And I've started drinking for evil. I've finally stopped drinking for good ... And I've started drinking for evil.

No "New Year/New Me" here I'll be the same honest asshole at 12:01 that I was at 11:59.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic...

I wasn't planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung G7 Note phones.

Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Eve? For thou art a douche.

Dear Santa, before I try to explain…..just how much do you already know?

I'm not a virgin, My life fucks me everyday!!

It's cool how our pinky finger evolved into a cell phone stand.

It's never your successful friends posting the inspirational quotes.

Being complex means you're interesting. Being complicated means you're an asshole.:D

There are two things in life that as soon as you finish you want to do again: sleeping and sex.