Why should you never laugh at your girlfriend's choices? Because you're one of them!

I fart on the first date!

FU Friends are like boobs: some are real, some are fake!

Just heard my knee crack so loud, I expected it to glow in the dark!

You're not Google, but you've got everything I'm searching for, including the weird stuff!

I fart on a first date!

I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there`s an 83% chance that my neighbors son just added "Motherfucker" to his vocabulary!

The recipe said "prick with a fork" but enough about me.

People who drive under the speed limit are probably the same people who drink decaf

I enjoy a bit of unnecessary swearing as much as the next fucker.

Anyone who knows me knows a shit ton about awesomeness.

I'm the type to fart in a crowded elevator and get just as upset as everyone else!

I must have a great butt because everytime I finish talking to somebody and start to walk away I hear them say "what an ass"

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets

The funniest thing about this status is that by the time you realize it doesn`t say anything important, it`s too late for you to stop reading it ... sucker!

Adding "and shit" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.

Weird is just a side effect of being awesome!

You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because I just farted!

I have a tremendous sex drive! My girlfriend lives 400 miles away!

Definition of a long distance relationship: Inconveniently the most effective way to find out if you really love each other.