My cynicism amazes even me at times. I’m tired of the confusion. I look to the people I know who are in loving relationships, and I admire what they have. The trust, the love, the honesty. The way they miss each other before they’ve even left each other’s gaze. The way a look or touch can right the world. The arguments, and tearful apologies immediately after. The struggle, the fight. The constant awareness that they could be taken from each other at any moment.
I feel all of these things with Joey. He is what is right when everything else has crashed around me. He is one that loves me when I feel unlovable. He is who makes me feel beautiful when the tears have washed my eyeliner down my cheeks. And I’m so afraid of losing him through my own insecurities.
Yes, our situation is fucked up. We’re not together. But we’re working on it. We want to build a strong friendship to be the solid base to our life together. We want to do this right, so that when we do end up married, it is for life. Sometimes I do question if it’s me he wants, but it’s my own insecurities, not him, that causes it. In the end, I know I’ll be who he comes home to. If he didn’t plan on a life with me, he sure as hell wouldn’t plan on buying a house with me, or getting a swank apartment with me when he gets home. He wouldn’t constantly remind me that he loves me. He wouldn’t hold me just to hold me. He wouldn’t be honest. He wouldn’t put us first.
He needs time. Time to know I’m here for good. Time to understand that I do love him. Time to realize that I’d lie down and give my last breath for him.
I need…. Him.
