Sh0rty The Original's blog: "The Upside of Things"

Quit while you're ahead A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out! The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says... "He should have quit while he was a head!"

1. Admit: "I was in the Army; I have a problem." This is the first step to recovery... 2. Speech: Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred, it is not 0430 or 1400; it is 4:30 in the morning (AKA God-awful early). Words like latrine, overhead, fourth point of cantact, bunk, and "PT" will get you weird looks; bathroom, ceiling, and workout... get used to it. "Fuck" cannot be used to -replace whatever word you can't think of right now, try "um". Grunting is not talking. It's a phone, not a radio; do not use words like roger, say again, send it and conversations on a phone do not end in "out" People will not know what you are talking about if you tell them you are coming from Fort Huachuca with the platoon or that you spent a deployment in the OCAC. Likewise people will not understand you when you use expressions like "watch your six." 3. Style: Do not put creases in your jeans. Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts. A horseshoe cut looks dumb, not motivating. A high and tight looks really dumb as well. A hat indoors does not make you a bad person; it makes you like the rest of the world; what's more it's a hat and not a cover. You do not have to wear a belt ALL the time. 4. Women: Army girls are easy, very easy, not all women are this easy and will probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like Air Force girls. Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first. Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make "financial sense", it makes you a retard. 5. Personal accomplishments: In the real world, being able to do pushups will not make you good at your job. Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about people you have killed or seen die. How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment. The time you got really drunk and passed the sobriety test anyway is also not a personal accomplishment. 6. Drinking: In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you an intervention, not a "good for you" That time you drank a 5th of Jaeger and pissed in your closet is not a conversation starter. That time you went to the combat life saver school and practiced giving vodka IV's will also not be a good conversation starter. 7. Bodily functions: Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may be viewed as "unprofessional". The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny no matter how big it was, how much it burned, or how much it smelled. You can't make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is. VD will also not be funny 8. The human body: Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may seem, it's true. 9. Spending habits: One day, you will have to pay bills Buying a $30,000 car on a $16,000 a year salary is a really bad idea. Spending money on video games instead of on diapers makes you a fool. One day you will need health insurance . 10. Interacting with civilians (AKA YOU): Making fun of your neighbor to his face for being fat will not be normal. 11. Real jobs: They really can fire you. On the flip side you really can quit. Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember they really can quit too. Taking naps at work will not be acceptable. Remember 9-5 not 0430 to 1700 12. The Law: UCMJ does not exist and will not save you from prison. Your workplace unlike your command can't save you and probably won't, in fact most likely you will fired about 5 minutes after they find out you've been arrested Even McDonalds does background checks, and "conviction" isn't going to help you get the job Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested, not yelled at Monday morning before they ask you if you won. 13. General knowledge: You can in fact really say what you think about the President in public. Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it's just pain. They won't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important than you are, be polite. Read the contracts before you sign them; remember what happened last time. i know some ppl in there......! Repost if you were once a soldier...or currently are...or know some and miss them dearly

A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Mom" With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. Dear Mom,: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son Jon P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

Yeah! lol Im not a strip club virgin anymore y'all! GO FUCKING ME! Last night, I was the DD for my friends Trisha, Brandi and Larry and I suggested that we all go to the strip club because I never went before. Well turns out, that Trisha and Brandi never went either so we were all devirginized last night! Ya know, me and my bright ideas, taking 2 drunk including 1 drunk lesbian to the fucking female strip club was halarious. Brandi, the lesbian (ya know, dykeish along with the short buzzed hair, big shirts and baggy jeans and shorts and what not) falls in love with a fucking stripper. She waited like an hour to get a damned lap dance from this stripper named Gina hahahah. It was halarious! She was in fucking heaven and some. We all walked in at like 1230 or so and turns out, me and Trisha were the only girls there (aside from Brandi and the strippers) haha and all the guys just stared at us like we were fucking crazy and some shit like that. We sat down on this like two person booth thing and just took in the atmosphere and seen dudes getting their schlongs are hard from these chicks dry humpin them in the privacy booths which lemme tell ya, are all open in the front so anyone can look in haha. I decided to be a dick and start like straddling Trisha and do a little bit of lap dancin myself lmao. That probably looked horrible! But none the less, it was halariously fun. And we sat there and waited for a hot girl to come out on stage to strip and for seats to open up right infront of the stage. Well 3 seats opened up and me, Larry and Trisha went and sat in 'em while Brandi was waitin for her lapdance and shit. Some really really hot chick comes out with this unbelievably hot outfit on and starts doing her thing and what not. This chicks got her fucking clit pierced! I was like DAYUM! lol She was all pullin it infront of our faces and shit... Looked like a rubber band. True story. I was like shitttt bitch haha. Then Gina, the stripper that had given Brandi her lapdance came out on stage (at this point, she was obviously done with Brandis shit duh right?) and started doing her thing and what not. Larry and Brandi were both motorboatin sons of bitches! They wanted me and Trisha to be ones too! I was like, 'If I would let some stripper smack her titties all up on my face, my mom would disown me!' lol. We were thinkin about going back tonight but I dont have the energy to do it. None of us really. So yeah that was my first strip club experience and y'all gots to enjoy it with me. lol

I've become bored with CT just recently. I dont know why. Maybe its because I've been busy and havent been spending much time on here. Maybe its because I've had off work all this week... Im not sure at all. I love all the people I've met on here. I just havent been really interested much in the site overall. The MUMMs went to shit and they were the main reason I came onto this site for months. I dont know... I just wanted to write about my feelings and the boredom I've recently encountered. Hope everyone is having a great Friday! <3Sh0rty

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. 2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died... " 3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. 4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company." You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?" 5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from. 6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up. 7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?" 8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?" 9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. 10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees. 11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up. 12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up. 13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times. 14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. 15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer. 16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number. 17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes." 18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?" 19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder... 20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose." - Jim Elliot I think wow is all I have to say to this quote I found...

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied except---" and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." C'mon, tell me! I need something!" Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis." "So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch." After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis .... She undressed, opened the box and said, "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!" The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right ... Voodoo Penis, my ass." And the rest is history.

So I was driving today from Middletown to my place and I had this asshole in front of me (IN THE PASSING LANE MIND YOU!!) and he had like at least a fucking football field of space infront of him... For some reason everytime this dickwad would pass a car, he'd look over at the driver in the other car... I bet the fucker was thinkin, "Look at me in my old rundown piece of shit and look at you in the nice new Nissan Altima... Im going faster than you... I'LL BEAT YA IN A RACE, BITCH!" God damn... I wanted to really just like fucking ride his ass and tell him to get in the fucking slow lane... mother fucker... Then I had a guy in front of me and it scared me to fucking death... He had NO BREAK LIGHTS! I mean wtf?!! People let their cars get like that?! I mean its not that FUCKING hard to put 3 tiny little bulbs in the taillights of your fucking car! I was SOOO fucking tempted to park my car, get out and tell the fucker to get his lights fixed because its a driving hazard... WTF... THEN I had this CUNTBALL BITCHTRICK, fucking pull out infront of me when I was moving right along and the bitch was going slow so I went into the slow lane to pass her slow fatass and the cunt decided THEN she would get her dumbfuckass over into the SLOW LANE! I had to like slam on my breaks and I started like yelling like a mother fucker... If the bitch would flicked me off, I woulda followed her stupid fucktard self and kicked her ass because I WASNT IN THE FUCKING MOOD! Moral of my experiences today: DRIVERS ARE FUCKING STUPID IN PENNSYLVANIA!!!!!