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What are you waiting for?
It's a really hard thing to voice things that happen, especially when you are afraid of what others might think.
Well here it goes. I am a 44 year old adult child of an alcoholic who finally began the process of breaking the cycle of Codependancy. Before I get into that there is something about myself that makes this all the more difficult. I suffer bi-polar depression. As a child it wasn't labled as a disorder so my parents did what they could to help. I spent my childhood feeling unloved even though my parents did in their own way.
That is until I was 11, my dad in a stupor told me he never wanted me that I was a mistake. Thus began my downward spiral into emotional eating and suicidal tendenacies. At 14 I had my end planned out teased and bullied from the time I was in 5th grade and my dad and his drinking I was going to allow myself get flattened. Someone else had other plans for me and I began the battle of my life.
By my mid twenties I was over 300 pounds. Lost my mom when I was 27. It devasted me and gained more weight. My dad kicked me out and moved on thus putting a strain on our relationship because I didn't know alot of things that led up to her passing.
I made alot of moves just to "run". Ended up back home and the emotional /mental abuse continued and progressivly got worse. Weight kept climbing. 2010 I got diagnosed with my bi-polar depression as well as panic stress disorder.
I wasn't eating to survive, I was actually killing myself. Food was my addiction that I turned to when things got bad. By 2012 I was over 350. A change came when a friend I used to work with had me come and hang out. She saw how my dad treated me and asked me to move in with her. I did and slowly accepted where I was at and began making changes.
2013 small changes were made and I lost 40 pounds. By 2015 I had lost 120 pounds, which was not to last. You see even living with the person who became my best friend I still had way too much stress in my life. My dad was 2 miles away he would show up on a binge of rum and coke and start on me about how much of a failue I was or needed to cut my hair because you could see the layers where it had been colored. One thing I learned was to stand up for myself that there was nothing wrong with me.
2017 was a bad year for me early September I lost my job and 2 weeks later I ended up having a heart attack. 3 days in the hospital and a stent later I am at 44 now part of the cardiac club. All because I had choosen to use food as medicine.
Oh by the way the biggest thing I did to break the cycle of abuse and codependancy is to move 1000 miles away and I have met someone who loves and accepts me as I am.
That is all for this blog just a background to the person writing these. Read or don't I am working on healing myself and making myself better.
