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A Biker story
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A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says. While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?" So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss. After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......" |
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Why I'm divorced . . .
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'
I thought....
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss, and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go !'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'
I responded, 'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner..'
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife, my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
On the couch....
Naked.
A Cajun Shrimper wants a job cleaning up the oil spill, but the BP Foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'
'Without numbers?' T...he Cajun says, 'Dat is easy.' And proceeds to draw three trees.
'What's this?' the boss asks
'Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' says the Cajun.
'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'
The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Ere you go.'
The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'
'Each of DA trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.'
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'
The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go. One hundred.'
The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'
The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little dog come along and poop by each tree.. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred.'
The Cajun is now the new supervisor.
**** Check out the latest video I put into my stash!! You will LOVE IT!!
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.
At other times this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or
more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now ........my time is UP !
Oh....one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?
U P !
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As you know I love the biker lifestyle.
I think one thing people do not understand about bikers is MOST understand “freedom” like our forefathers did.
We love to be surrounded by Mother Nature. We love to be able to just look up and see eagles soaring.
We love to be able to just look to our right and left and see a hot babe either in a car or walking down the street.
We love the power of the throttle. The acceleration. The thrill of going in and out of sharp curves. The joy of hills and mountains. Passing through those small cold and warm fronts you can only feel while on a bike.
I also love reading biker decals and stickers on helmets and leathers. Some of the funniest shit you will find is on these riders….
Today I read one I never saw before and had to share…
"9 out of 10 women are battered...and I'm still eatin' mine PLAIN"
One of my favorite all time bumper stickers was from another Livonia Firefighter I worked with.
“Don’t argue with your wife, dicker”
Anyway, back to work….
Just TOMCAT being TOMCAT….
((smile))
Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs
and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He
advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a
lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let
them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce
to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New
Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think
Thereis a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.
We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.
AMERICA BEGINS TO WAKE UP AND FIGHT BACK!!
An update from Oklahoma :
Oklahoma law passed, 37 to 9, had a few liberals in the mix, an amendment to place the Ten Commandments on the front entrance to the state capitol. The feds in D.C., along with the ACLU, said it would be a mistake. Hey this is a conservative state, based on Christian values...! HB 1330
Guess what........... Oklahoma did it anyway.
Oklahoma recently passed a law in the state to incarcerate all illegal immigrants, and ship them back to where they came from unless they want to get a green card and become an American citizen. They all scattered. HB 1804. Hope we didn't send any of them to your state. This was against the advice of the Federal Government, and the ACLU, they said it would be a mistake.
Guess what.......... Oklahoma did it anyway.
Recently we passed a law to include DNA samples from any and all illegals to the Oklahoma database, for criminal investigative purposes. Pelosi said it was unconstitutional. SB 1102
Guess what........ Oklahoma did it anyway.
Several weeks ago, we passed a law, declaring Oklahoma as a Sovereign state, not under the Federal Government directives. Joining Texas , Montana and Utah as the only states to do so. More states are likely to follow: Louisiana, Alabama, Georgia, the Carolina's, Tennessee, Kentucky, Missouri, Arkansas, West Virginia, Mississippi, Florida. Save your confederate money, it appears the South is about to rise up once again. HJR 1003
The federal Government has made bold steps to take away our guns. Oklahoma, a week ago, passed a law confirming people in this state have the right to bear arms and transport them in their vehicles. I'm sure that was a set back for the criminals (and Obamaites). Liberals didn't like it -- But ...
Guess what............ Oklahoma did it anyway.
Just this month, my state has voted and passed a law that ALL driver's license exams will be printed in English, and only English, and no other language. We have been called racist for doing this, but the fact is that ALL of our road signs are in English only. If you want to drive in Oklahoma , you must read and write English. Really simple.
By the way, Obama does not like any of this..
Guess what....who cares... Oklahoma is doing it anyway.
To Verify:
http://newsok.com/oklahoma-state-capitol-to-display-ten-commandments/article/3370730
http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2008-01-09-immigcover_N..htm
http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/pending/oklahoma.asp
(on Snopes it says "mixture" and I do not see it say where the mis-truth is...)
