About 4 nights, or mornings, ago, I woke up balling my eyes out. I wrote a mumm that described why this freaked me out. Here's a quick copy:
This morning around 4 am, I woke up with tears streaming down my face, coughing like I'd been sobbing a while, and continued to cry, with a deep sense of loss surrounding me.
This has happened to me 4 times in my life now, and it's always seemed to be a bit premonitory.
The first time I woke up crying and feeling this way, I found out later that morning that my sister-in-law had passed.
Second time, I found out two days later that the night I woke up that way, my best friend had been murdered that same night.
Third time, my bf ended up breaking up with me later that day, got all his stuff while I was at work, and left my life, taking his little cousin who I'd helped raise for 5 years, with him.
The last time I woke up feeling a huge void, and crying uncontrollably, later in the morning I got a call from my brother saying his hubby, who I'd grown incredibly close to, had passed.
Now I wake up like this and I'm scared.
Should I make my calls to all my family and close friends to see if they're ok?
Or should I wait to let the news, whatever it is, come to me?
Anyhow, I called all my family members, and everyone's been fairly well. Talked to many friends, same thing.
But I've still been waiting for the bomb to drop and it finally did, 4 mornings later. But the same thing, nonetheless...
I got the call about 3 am this morning, from my drunken friend, Teri, about our old, dear friend Ryan. He was my best friend in high school, my first love and sexual experience, and his older brother was taken from us, murdered (see above mumm), in '95 (and was my best friend at the time).
I didn't talk to Ry for a few years after Brennan's murder...we totally lost touch with one another till about '98, when he acquired my number from Teri. We've been talking ever since about once every 3 months, we call it our quarterly talks.
I'll just cut to the chase:
He, like his brother, was murdered 4 mornings ago, and died en route to the hospital...approximately 4:15 am. I'm officially weirded out by the latest premonitory dream that I don't remember but woke up sobbing to. And I'm feeling so incredibly broken right now...I don't want these premonitions, I feel like I myself could die right now, and that maybe I'd be better off. I never asked for these...why couldn't I have the type of premonitory dreams that leave me exhilarated? Why always death or leaving? Of people I love so very much in this life?
Maybe I'm being tested, my beliefs of the afterlife, my strength in this life...
I just know that I am left scared after I have the dreams I can't remember but that rock my soul, and when I find out what caused them...I'm left empty and cold, and extremely sad and feeling almost hopeless. Almost makes me feel like becoming a hermit, having no friends, or going into hiding from everyone I've ever held dear to my heart.
My first blog...what a way to start it off with a bang.
