I'm nothing special.. just your typical Catholic Jewish Atheist with a superiority complex hidden well within an inferiority complex that masks itself nicely under a slovenly, yet plump facade. I grew up poor, and will probably die poor, but am still young enough to believe that I have a decent future ahead of me. I don't like snakes, spiders, cats, spandex or animals with clothes on. I can't do simple math and forget to think before I speak. I'm direct and to the point.. half of the time.. I spend the other half playing (and winning) a game of chess, which is ironic cuz I never actually took the time to learn it. I'm manipulative enough for you to be wary, but just naive enough to get away with it.
You be the judge.. you always are.

1.) I am no longer allowed to hit on cops whilst being naked, to get out of a parking ticket.
2.) i'm no longer allowed to be naked.
3.) I'm no longer allowed to streak (because i'll be naked) through a quiet neighborhood just to come upon a cop giving me a parking ticket because i parked next to a fire hydrant.
4.) I am not a professional wrestler sober, so i can't pretend that I am one when drunk.
5.) Doritos and Vaseline isn't a good idea sober, why would it be when i'm drunk?
6.) Cats aren't meant to withstand being shot through the air from a home-made catapult...even if they land on their feet and aren't worse for the wear.
7.) Pretending i'm a mime to get free drinks at a bar is bad.
8.) Drunk-dialing = bad.
9.) Handcuffing a complete stranger to a utility pole because they looked at me the wrong way is just bad form.
10.) Stopping complete strangers in the middle of the street to pester them with questions about the proper way to tell someone to fuck off, doesn't usually end well.
11.)Babies aren't meant to be used as footballs...no matter how badly I want to score a touchdown.
12.) Just because he says "hi" that doesn't give me permission to stick my tongue down his throat, especially when he's giving me a parking ticket.
13.) Gravity exists, don't insist that it doesn't by trying to fly off the front porch...the back porch is much better for that because the backyard has grass and will soften my landing.
14.)I'm am not a famous lounge singer...no matter who says i am...!!!
15.)It is physically impossible to lick my ear...so i'm no longer allowed to try.
16.) I'm no longer allowed to tackle strangers.
17.) i'm no longer allowed to deface public property.
18.) Potted-plants are meant to be in pots...not on the sidewalk being trampled on by someone who thinks the plant was talking to them....
19.) Plants don't have sentience...which means that they can't communicate vocally or telepathically....
20.) CVS isn't a free for all.
21.) Neither is Shaw's
22.)Trying to feed my 14-year old cousin Jello shots because he looked hungry is a sure fire way to get into trouble.
23.) Making EMO boys cry, though it seems to always be a good idea...drunk or sober....will only guarantee getting jumped by vicious 20-year old fans.
24.) Greasing the front door with mashed bananas to get in because you couldn't find your key (which was in your hand the whole time) will only cause your neighbor to bang on the door at 4 in the morning, yelling and screaming because you ruined his silk shirt.
25.) The Dryer is not the place to cook microwave pizza.
26.) The microwave is not the place to melt down a gold necklace, that you broke on someone's zipper, in order to get it soft enough to fix the clasp.
27.) fashioning an outfit out of zipper-lock bags, and wearing said outfit, will only ensure jail time.
28.)Telling god-fearing men that you worship satan, while you're taking your clothes off because you're too hot...in the 30 degree weather...is not the way to convert him.
29.)I'm no longer allowed to attempt to prove the theory of Natural Selection by eating worms.
30.) Dog food is for dogs...not people.
31.) I'm no longer allowed to blog whilst drunk.
32.) World domination, by me, will not be attained just because I said so 100 times fast.
33.) Peter Pan is a fictional character, not my son.
34.) Pencils are meant to write with, not a mechanism by which time-travel will be achieved.
35.)I am not a carpenter. I will not build tables with Dixie cups and cheese.
36.) I am not 5. I will not build forts in the living room with pillows and passed-out people.
37.) The tub is meant for bathing yourself in, not washing CD's.
38.) I am no longer allowed to put live bugs in the freezer.
39.) Attempting the game " Light as a feather, stiff as a board" with a 300-lb man as the subject and then crying because you and one other person couldn't lift him...yeah, that's just dumb.
40.) Spin the bottle should not be attempted with a full, and open bottle of vodka.
41.) Don't pass out in the closet when playing "7 minutes in heaven." Trust me...you'll wake up with all sorts of things missing.
42.) The kitchen table is not a bed.
43,) Neither is Walmart.
44.) Screened-doors are not meant to be walked through.
45.) feats of strength are only to be performed in the company of sober supervisors....that aren't in law enforcement.
46.) No matter how often you say you are....you are not god and can't read minds or alter the laws of physics using a bendy straw as a magic wand and a long island iced-tea in lieu if holy water...just because you blessed it, it doesn't make it sacred.
47.) seat belts are meant to keep you in the seat, they are not meant to be used to sling-shot pennies at the driver....no matter how broke he is.
48.) i'm no longer allowed to dance when drunk....unless it's with someone else and not someone I just think is there.
49.) No matter how drunk i am, i'm no longer allowed to call my best friend's mother for a ride at three in the morning...
50.) Trying to make ultimate frisbee better with the addition of rocks will only ensure a concussion and a trip to jail when you accidentally hit an old man out for a walk in The Commons...on a sunday morning.