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Secretlovers's blog: "Ramblings"

created on 07/11/2010  |  http://fubar.com/ramblings/b334278

to my friends

Thank you for being there when I needed you...
and even when I didn't,

Thank you for being there through the good times...
and the bad,

Thank you for being there to encourage my dreams....
and my crazy ideas,

Thank you for catching me...
before I fell down,

Thank you for wiping away the tears...
when I was crying,

Thank you for cheering me up...
and making me laugh,

Thank you for all the great memories...
and the bad,

But most of all... thank you...
For being you!

fade

The day light breaks again
Another day has begun.

But still no sleep has come.
My body is weary

My mind overworked.
I lie awake thinking

But what I am unsure.
I need to break free from the cycle I endure.

Everyday is the same and the nights are undistinguished.
I feel as though I am being pushed along with the tide

Unable to break free from the everyday flow.
This is not me I need to change, before time takes over

And I am unable to change.
I need to be freed from the grasp of ordinary

And become that person I have always longed for.
Express myself in every way, and conquer the dreams as I lie awake.

Then I may fall asleep and put my mind to rest.
Make changes in my life and help those in need.

I would like to touch everyone's life in a positive way
And leave my mark on society before I fade away.

I LOVE MY NANNY AND I MISS HER SO MUCH SHE WAS MY WORLD ITS SO HARD TO TALK ABOUT HER IN THE PAST TENSE I STILL CATCH MYSELF TALKING ABOUT HER IN THE PRESENT EVERYDAY, THERE ISNT A DAY THAT HAS GONE BY THAT I HAVENT THOUGHT ABOUT HER.

I SIT AND THINK TO MYSELF IS SHE REALLY GONE...NO SHE CANT BE BECAUSE I STILL FEEL LIKE SHES HERE, THAT WHEN EVER I WANT I CAN JUST STOP BY HER HOUSE AND SHE'LL BE THERE.

HOW CAN SOMEONE THAT WAS SO FULL OF LIFE BE HERE ONE DAY AND THEN GONE THE NEXT.

IM STILL HAVING A VERY HARD TIME WITH IT ALL. I WANT HER HERE WITH ME. ITS THAT SO SELFISH, WELL I DONT CARE IM NEVER SELFISH ABOUT ANYTHING SO ILL BE SELFISH ABOUT THIS.

WHY WHY WHY THATS WHAT IS RUNNING THROUGH MY HEAD. AND WHY CANT I GET IT, THAT SHES NOT HERE WHY DO I HAVE TO KEEP REMINDING MYSELF SHES GONE.

I WAS THERE WHEN SHE DIED I WAS THERE AT THE FUNERAL, AND WHY IS THE WORD FUN IN FUNERAL, THERES NOTHING FUN ABOUT IT? MAYBE ONE DAY I WONT THINK ABOUT IT SO MUCH...BUT WHAT IF I WANT TO?

I DONT WANT TO FORGET HER, THE WAY SHE LOVED THE WAY SHE LAUGHED THE WAY SHE SHACKED HER HEAD WHEN SHE WAS MAD OR UPSET WHEN SHE TALKED, THE WAY SHE SMELLED, I CARRY AROUND AN OLD DISH RAG THAT STILL SMELLS LIKE HER, SO I WONT FORGET.

ITS NOT FAIR IT WASNT HER TIME, I DONT CARE WHAT PEOPLE SAY......IT JUST WASNT HER TIME...I KNOW SHE WAS OLD BUT NOT OLD ENOUGH...IF ONLY WE CAN SEE INTO THE FUTURE AND SEE THAT WHAT SHE WENT THROUGH WASNT AT ALL NEEDED. MAYBE INSTEAD OF A ****SIMPLE**** BACK SURGERY, MAYBE SOME THERAPY, A MASSAGE EVERYDAY, A CHIROPRACTOR, INSTEAD OF A *DUMBASS SURGEON* THAT DOSENT KNOW SHIT ABOUT BEING A DOCTOR.

WHY HER, WHY COUDNT SOMETHING HAVE HAPPENED TO HIM THE DAY OF SURGERY, THAT WAY NO ONE ELSE WOULD HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE PAIN HE CAUSES. I KNOW IM RAMBLING BUT IT FEELS BETTER TO GET IT OUT. I JUST MISS HER, EVEN THOUGH I STILL THINK I CAN JUST RIDE DOWN THE STREET TO SEE HER. OR CALL HER TO TELL HER I LOVE HER...HER NUMBER IS STILL IN MY PHONE UNDER NANNY, I JUST CANT BRING MYSELF TO ERASE IT...HER....AND IM NOT GOING TO ITS GOING TO STAY THERE FOREVER. WHO KNOWS MAYBE IF I CALL IT SHE'LL ANSWER ONE DAY.

Ok i just woke up from a really weird dream.

 

 First I was living at my parents, driving my brothers red dodge pick up truck with a tall dark haired man that ive know for ever but i dont know who he was...

 

he asked me why i was going the back way home and i told him this is the way i always go...(which it is not) I get to my parent house and the next door neighbor which was this man that was in the truck with me ( who when i turned around in the truck to look at was not there anymore) was walking out of his house. Talking to me about going to the beach, and as soon as he said that water started rising from the ditches in front of our houses causing it to flood our homes.

 

So me and this face less guy went and looked for a place to stay we found a house, which would be right where the interstate crosses over Mansfield Rd...where the funeral home centeries is (but was not there) While we are there i find out that this house We were in was left to me by my Aunt Joy (which in real life died when i was 2 and her daughter Kristi is my cousin and we are the same age) everyone in my family thought that Aunt Joy died along time ago but while im at this house they tell me she is alive and had just recently went into a comma, Kristi finds out We rush to the hospital but on the way there I get a phone call telling me that they were shutting off the life support, so we go faster to try and stop them but we could never find the hospital...We get back to this house where this older man had been using part of the house as his shop with concrete slab and a refridgerator and cabniets but he was a barber. Then he tells us he want us to have the house or sell it because the concrete slab had a casket under it and was told that it was rising and eventually would break through the concrete slab...

 

So me and this dark haired man decide to take it...i fall asleep in the living room of this house but am awakened when i hear the door creaking to the room with the concrete slab and the door kept swinging back and forth so  i get scared and yell at the door to GO TO BED!! and the door slams

 

I jump up and all of the sudden this house turns in to my nannys old house...i run down the hall where this friend, the man thats been with me is, i jump into the bed with him and wake him up and tell him what had happened while we are lying there he tells me to be quite and look at the door to the room he and I were in and it starts doing the same thing...so we jump up scared out of our minds..he leads me down the hallway with him and we go to the room with the concrete slab and open the door only to find that the casket had risin to the top and had opened.

 

So we walk up to it and look in it...When all of a sudden the casket falls over and My Nanny and a little girl walk out of it and say we were wondering when you were coming home........

 

This freaked me out enought to wake me up THANK GOD! and im still scared lol

I stood by your bed last night; I came to have a peep. I could see that you were crying you found it hard to sleep. I spoke to you softly as you brushed away a tear, "It’s me, I haven’t left you, I’m well, I’m fine, I’m here." I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the coffee, You were thinking of the many times, your hands reached to me. I was with you at my grave today I want to re-assure you, that I’m not lying there. I flew with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key. I gently landed on you; I smiled and said, "it’s me." You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair. I tried so hard to let you know, that I was there. It’s possible for me, to be so near you everyday. To say to you with certainty, "I never went away." You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew... in the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you. The day is over... I smile and watch you yawning and say "good-night, God bless, I’ll see you in the morning." And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide, I’ll fly across to greet you and we’ll stand, side by side. I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see. Be patient, live your journey out... then come home to be with me.

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