Madness. Insanity. I often wonder whether I'm going insane or not, or if I have something inside of me that will one day be triggered, pushing me over the edge into insanity. Today, in our overly politically correct world, we used the term mentally ill, but the real word is insane, crazy. There used to be insane aslyums, now there are mental health facilities. It makes me wonder, have we come any closer to helping those that are crazy, or are we just making it easer to ignore them, to "adjust" them to daily life, drugging them into a sort of tranquility that makes it easier to deal with them, or to tolerate them. There was a time of electroshock therapy and lobotomies, now there are "miracle" drugs. But do they really help? Do they really make the insane not so crazy? If I were to lose my mind, would anything bring me back? There are days where I feel that I've lost control over my mind somehow and other days where I feel just fine. But in the back of the recesses of my mind, there is always that feeling that I have or will lose my mind altogether. It's as if my sanity were standing on a tightrope, hoping to God it doesn't fall off, praying that it will keeps it's balance and keep control. Could there be something that would completely throw that off? Am I more susceptible to madness than other people? Do other people often wonder whether they're completely sane or not? I already know I have a propensity for depression. It's recurrent depending on the ebbs and flows of my life. I let it consume me, I don't stop it from taking over my life from time to time. I just let it wash over me, bathing me in all it's hopelessness, guilt, and sadness. Some people would say that's not the intelligent thing to do, that I should fight it, that I shouldn't want to be depressed. But, it's almost comforting, an actual constant I can count on in my life. I can always count on me having a big depression every so often. What good would fighting do? How do you fight something that's so engrained into your soul? How do you fight part of your identity? I don't feel the need to fight it like other people do, which is partially why I'm a little concerned about whether or not I'll go insane. If I let myself delve into the depression, who's to say I'll ever come back up again? Maybe one day I'll fall and I'll keep falling, falling further and further until I don't even know how long I've been falling.
