DarkTwisted's blog: "On My Bad Days.."

I wish I could get a shot and fix my damaged mind.... Take out all the insanity that fills it to the brim.... I hate the way it works, how it makes my life so hard... Making every day such a struggle, remembering the simplest of task... Leaving me feeling so worthless and confused, my self esteem so damaged... People make jokes, get frustrated, dont understand how helpless I feel... To them its a learning dissability, to me a disease taking my life piece by piece.. I keep seceret how bad it really is, that my memory worsens by the day.... I want to ask for help yet cant imagine what can make it right again... The anger overwhelms me at times, no control over it, addicted to meds... Write yourself a note, get a planner, too bad I misplace or forget both.... Everyday I try so hard, feeling so stupid, pretending it does not tear me apart... I just want to be normal, think like I should, react as others, not feel like a joke.. I look normal, I do normal things, so there is not much understanding.... It affects my work, my relationships, my ability to be a good mother.... But all most see is laziness, oh she's such a blonde, or she just doesnt get it... I see no end in sight, so many things I can not undue, I'm drowning now... I've lost posessions, lost money, lost jobs, lost friends, lost my mind.... I HATE feeling sorry for myself, helpless, crazy, defeated, alone.... I will keep smiling pretend the jokes do not hurt, I dont want thier pitty... I'm supposed to be strong, laugh it off, get it right, be hard core..... So I wake up, take my pills, get through another day, save the tears for night... A.D.D. is taking my creativity, it is crushing my spirit, I am tired of the fight....

Take a little heartbreak, the real bitter kind, that leaves you real angry Add a dead end job, the kind where you bust your ass for minimum and sore feet Mix in over due bills, with some smartass 20 something debt collector calling at 10pm Put this in a big bowl of your past & the emotional baggage you lug around Make sure to add a new guy who blows you off and stomps your heart into the ground Finally, have your mom call you and lecture you about everything she hoped you'd be For a nice Fuck You garnish, a successful sister, who just made partner, how sweet! This is my version of Fuck You Soup! I highly reccomend a nice bottle of Vodka for this soup!

Who I am is not where I've been Who I am is not what I've been through Who I am is not the people I know Who I am is not the mistakes I've made Who I am is not the way I look Who I am is not who I've loved Who I am is not any of these things alone Who I am is all of these things twisted into me

The Dark Side, I visit there when I am down, it's not your average tourist town The bell hops, they'll save a table for you, one with with a cold and dark view It's very hot there and the service sucks but, sometimes the screaming is hard to bare This is where I take all the darkness and set it free, they also serve my favorite tea It is not a pleasant place and the only tourist, are others like me, dark and twisted You won't find skiing, or any of that, you'll see pain though, people not looking back I visit the darkside for cleansing, I leave my rage there for a fee, I sit and I drink my tea No you won't find any cute t-shirts to bring your friends, only darkness at the end The Dark Side, I visit often, I leave what I don't want others to see Oh, did I mention, they serve my favorite tea

Did you think I cared, did you believe my promises Did my kiss make it seem like forever, did they come true, your wishes Did you lay in your bed at night and thank god I forgave you Were you planning our future, belive all your dreams came true Now that you know better does it hurt, are your tears like fire.. Do you question every word, every touch, is death now your desire Is there pain in the pit of your stomach, cutting at your soul Are you wondering if you'll ever love again, your life out of control I know what your thinking, the anger, the pain, how your feeling I'm feeding off it, it soothes my pain, it is the beggining of my healing You thought it was behind us, your hurtful words forgotten, never I could never, it was too deep, the scars a reminder, my way of life I hope you hurt now, maybe next time, you won't cut with that knife

I'm tired, I'm angry, I'm lonely - SHUT UP! You hurt me, I hate you, I love you - SHUT UP! I'm vulnerable, I'm scared, I need you - SHUT UP! I'm trying to tell you, please listen, hear me - SHUT UP! I'm here, I tried, I wanted to, I'm sorry - SHUT UP! You did this, you did that, you don't care - SHUT UP! It's too late, I can't take it, it's over, I'm out of here - WAIT WHAT?

I am undamaged and I am a fighter When you think you have beat me, I will fight harder I will cry and I will hurt but, it will only fuel the fire You will see who I really am on my darkest day I am undamaged and I am a fighter You think I will regret and that I will cower That you are my last chance at beginning You were only a chapter, barely worth mentioning I will always love, I will always fight, it's who I am It's in my viens, it's how I live, you will not break me I am undamaged, I am a fighter..you will not defeat me