nobodysfallenangel's blog: "NFA's Corner"

I had a problem on friday night, my filling came out, and I have no dental insurance. One of my godmothers called me, and said do not worry I already made you an appointment, and I am paying for everything. Thank goddess all I had was to replace the filling. On another note I barely got any sleep, and I still have not been eating as much as I should be. I had a cup of coffee, and a cookie. That is all I have had since friday. I am really not wanting to see anyone, not even my own grandmother, I have not been going over there. I am really upset, and just really hurting, I did it again where no one can see. I am really tired of all this, being unhappy stuff. It's like I am back at square one. I guess letting go of things is alot harder than I had expected. I just hope everyone is happy, or at least someone is happy. I just wish the person I wanted, actually wanted me back, but this life is not full of wants, it's only based on needs. Maybe I need to be alone, I work better by myself. There is alot less worrying about another person, and alot less spending of money I don't even have. I have all my candles lit. I am listening to Annie Lennox. I am really tired,and I wish I had someone here to just cuddle next to, and fall asleep in their arms, but my body pillow will have to do. At least it can absorb these tears that keep falling from my eye's. I guess its some form of comfort right? Whatever happend to me having this I don't care atittude that I am alone? That I don't need anybody. I never had to need someone, and finally it comes out in the end I do. I just don't get it anymore. So I have done it, I am not going through with anymore medical stuff. I am just gonna enjoy what I have left. It may not be much, but it is my own life. I am not happy, nor am I content with things, I just would rather live a life of somewhat quality, rather than trying to save it by being picked, and prodded at. I know my decisions have consequences, that I will never be growing old with someone, or having kids, and having my dream of just having a family. Even now I know that I can never have a relationship with anyone, cos it is not fair to them. It is not worth developing anything with me. Just friends, nothing more, nothing less. It is just what it is now. I just want things to hurry up, and pass me by... I don't want to be here anymore. ~nfa

I came out of my shell for others, and in the end all I am left is with heartbreak. Yeah the ex's want me, and old best friends are still wanting back in my life. I don't need anymore heartache. If you cared about me, if you thought I was worth fighting for, then why is it you were the one's to walk away. People make choices in their lives, if they wanted you so badly they would show up at your door, and show you that they care, and not walk away. I am sick of being last to matter, why can't people think before they act? If I could go back, I would do everything as is, even knowing the torment I would only be bringing to myself. I really do blame myself. It's like I have some sort of defect, this past year has turned me into a different person. I am so emotional, not the good kind of emotional. I think crying is the worst thing ever that, and not being able to breathe kind of venting. I don't like being upset. I hate taking pills for fucken anxiety, wtf is that about, I was fine without them not to long ago, and here I am turning into some emo fuckwad! This is not me at all. I remember the me that used to kick ass, and not give a fuck about anyone. I think I need to find that person again, she is in there somewhere. I will tell you this, my belief system has changed, all I have left is my spirituality, and my newly found morals. The one thing that has not changed is my loyalty side. I don't like unloyal people, there is just no use for them in my world. Why should I be devoted when in the end you would not do the same for me, even as a friend? Do unto others, as you would have others do unto you. It's called respect, communicating, and most of all trust! I know what I want in a person as far as a relationship, and I know who I want that person to be. Although, I may never have that chance, it is ok. They were the best weeks in my life, being in London was amazing!And I got to spend it with the best company of all, even though things may have gone arye, I still hold you special in my heart. Over the past few weeks I have contemplated what life would be like if I were just to let it all go. I mean like all the stress, and not do anything anymore. No more meds, and no more injections. No more surgeries, or no more doctors. I have had so many thing happen, and then there may never be that chance to have what I really want happen. So like I said in previous posts in my other journals, I am just gonna go with the flow. I am done with everyone needing me,I need someone to be there for me, not cos they feel they have to, but because they want to. I deserve better than this, I am worthy of what I want, and just cos you think I don't because I am sick Irina, you are wrong. I am still here, and still very much alive. I give up on love, and give into what I have now. The here, and now. All the small things that matter in life is what I hold special. Screw everything else. Well I have nothing left to say, but goodbye to those of you who are cruel, and troublesome creatures, and thank you to the ones that put a smile on my face, just because you have become part of my journey. ~nfa

So many wasted days Come and go like ocean waves it hits me like a freight train And now I can't get off my face How could I have been so polite to simply let them die Who am I to spread my fingers after God has filled my hands Watching the moments slip through like desert sand Respect her ignorance Just in case she takes offense the darkness that's killing her Well that is just not my concern You're not guaranteed tomorrow ~NFA~

Things are taking a turn again. That thing I have been worrying about around the corner. Well it happend my granny had a stroke. Things are really iffy. I mean she is better out of ICU. I am happy about that, but at the same time I am scared. I know she will be leaving us all soon. I have no one after that I can depend on after she leaves. This really is selfish of me I know, but she is the only thing I know that has been a loving source, she has been my mother. Thats my mom. I don't know what I am gonna do.~NFA

SO I am back with my exgirlfriend. I am happy, just scared and like taken back by everything. It's hard for me to even breathe right now. It all seems so fucken not real. I feel reclusive to everything again. I find myself sleeping more and crossing over to the other side of the veil. The more I cross over the more I don't want to come back. I am so tired. If I do I won't miss this life. Not at all. The only thing that keeps my is her. If something happends again this time. I think I will not be able to survive it. I am fragile. My spirit is weakened and I am to tired to fight anymore.

Yeah the girl is fucken cute and all, but seriously needs to pay attention to what I am trying to do. She hugs me like all fast, and runs away all shy. I was gonna fucken kiss her! GAWD fuck it I am not now! I texted her saying ok I get it your not that into me. She is all I wanted to, but you seem so at an arms length with me. I told her thats how I have been my whole life. Doesn't mean I don't like you! GEEZUS!

She is cuteh. She lives in here in AZ ! However it is not thrilling. I miss my ex. Wish I could be in her arms. FUCK THIS LOVE SHIT! I am becoming a WHORE! (JOKING)~NFA

She misses me she says. She tells me she slept with that friend. Finally she did something with the girl. I knew she eventually would. She says it was just for fun. I believe her cos her heart is mine. Just like my heart is hers, the only difference here is I don't sleep with others for fun.Even though her and I are not together. I am not like that, and never will be like that. I love her and only her. No one will ever touch me like that ever again. Atleast I say that now. lol UG WHY DOES IT HURT SO BAD?Why did she even have to tell me. I am not with her its not my place. I don't understand her sometimes. I LOVE HER. WTF you don't tell me these things.

Not that most days aren't, but well this one was kind of weirdish special. I went to dinner with my aunt, and for the first time in a week sat down with my grandma. We are the three generations left of the name Amelia. We were talking about my grandma's mom Amelia, how she used to play the piano, and sing to us great grand kids. My favorite song was "De Colores", meaning all the colors. We would have this rainbow parachute, and dance in a circle while we sang with her. It's crazy how time passes by. I almost forgot about all that. Earlier today I was in the Wal Mart with my aunt, and my cousin. We were looking at dresses in black, because we knew my cousin Olivia was about to die any day now. She had fell into a coma late yesterday afternoon. Now this is my grandma's neice. So she is pretty up there in her age. She was 78, or so. Wonderful person. I am glad I got to know her when I did. Not many of my cousins around my age are close with other in our family, or even know about them. It's sad how everyone just kind of forgets about one another. The younger generation in my family tend to forget about all the other one's. I don't I love being around all my older aunts. Most of them are in there early 50's to late 70's. I know I have cousins who are like 85 unreal right? Haha! It's fun to be around them though. My great aunt eva is 75 that is on my dads side. Then my favorite great aunt is my great aunt Francise ohh she is just the best poker player in the world! So we get home like at 8:30pm, and we went to go get the car from my mother, and my sister. My grandmother was having a mad fit about it for weeks, so we went to get it. We came back home, and my cousin Robert calls me on my cell, and tells me that my cousin has passed on. It was weird how we were shopping for dresses, and she just like passed away I guess this after noon, according to my cousin Robert anyway. I really just like I don't know how to feel right now. I am sad, but at the same time, what's the difference. Here I have this big huge family, and we barely even have a connection with one another. I mean ok I feel so alone, even though I have family here in AZ, and all over the world pretty much. The immediate family consists of 250 people, the whole sha bang is like almost 600. We counted heads again just this past year when we got together at a funeral. It's sad we only come together when someone dies in the family. There is so much to be said. I feel at a complete hault with my emotions. So much is happening, I feel helpless, confused, and all very much so closed off by things like this. Am I a bitch for not wanting to get to close to people? Or is it just me being a drama queen? All I know is I am sick of people thinking they know me. Trying to call me out like I am decieving them, when all along if they were to take a look in the mirror, they would find they are decieving themselves. I have noticed alot of so called friends on here think they know me. NONE of you fully know me. Very few of you even have a fucken clue, those two people who do, who are close to me. They respect the fact that I don't feel like sharing myself. Growing up I have always kept an arms length with people, and I will continue to. I have a big heart, but cross me, and your done! I am very loyal, and will be what you need me to be for you. I am a damned good friend, and the fact that any of you fucken betray me is just ridiculous! I am a person with feelings to. I may not show them all the time, but I cry just as much as you do. I hurt just like you. I am not different from anyone else on this site. I do consider myself a leader I don't follow lowly people who want to hurt someone cos they think it's ok to. I do have morals that I live by, but I will admit to slipping up just like everyone else. I am gonna say this. Talk about me all you want cos I could care less about what others think of me. You who do talk about me only look like an ass in the end. My point is in all of this. I have noticed who I am, and who I am becoming. My family has taught me alot. I am glad of where I come from. It's weird cos I never fully wanted to be here cos of all the problems. Well everyone has problems, mine just kind of happen everyday. It's actually kind of cool, cos then I have memories of all when things happen. Even if they are not good ones all the time. It maybe a soap opera, but thats all I have left. I am not close to them. I have my boundaries, and I am learning to let them go, but at the same time embrace my family. I am reclusive to all who have hurt me. My family being one of them. Friends even more so. So if that is why you think I am decieving, or hiding something well I have done it my whole life. I don't get to close, or let you in. Been hurt to many times it's my safety net. Believe, and think what you will, but I know who I am, and that is all that matters in the end.~NFA