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Secretlovers's blog: "Ramblings"

created on 07/11/2010  |  http://fubar.com/ramblings/b334278

I LOVE MY NANNY AND I MISS HER SO MUCH SHE WAS MY WORLD ITS SO HARD TO TALK ABOUT HER IN THE PAST TENSE I STILL CATCH MYSELF TALKING ABOUT HER IN THE PRESENT EVERYDAY, THERE ISNT A DAY THAT HAS GONE BY THAT I HAVENT THOUGHT ABOUT HER.

I SIT AND THINK TO MYSELF IS SHE REALLY GONE...NO SHE CANT BE BECAUSE I STILL FEEL LIKE SHES HERE, THAT WHEN EVER I WANT I CAN JUST STOP BY HER HOUSE AND SHE'LL BE THERE.

HOW CAN SOMEONE THAT WAS SO FULL OF LIFE BE HERE ONE DAY AND THEN GONE THE NEXT.

IM STILL HAVING A VERY HARD TIME WITH IT ALL. I WANT HER HERE WITH ME. ITS THAT SO SELFISH, WELL I DONT CARE IM NEVER SELFISH ABOUT ANYTHING SO ILL BE SELFISH ABOUT THIS.

WHY WHY WHY THATS WHAT IS RUNNING THROUGH MY HEAD. AND WHY CANT I GET IT, THAT SHES NOT HERE WHY DO I HAVE TO KEEP REMINDING MYSELF SHES GONE.

I WAS THERE WHEN SHE DIED I WAS THERE AT THE FUNERAL, AND WHY IS THE WORD FUN IN FUNERAL, THERES NOTHING FUN ABOUT IT? MAYBE ONE DAY I WONT THINK ABOUT IT SO MUCH...BUT WHAT IF I WANT TO?

I DONT WANT TO FORGET HER, THE WAY SHE LOVED THE WAY SHE LAUGHED THE WAY SHE SHACKED HER HEAD WHEN SHE WAS MAD OR UPSET WHEN SHE TALKED, THE WAY SHE SMELLED, I CARRY AROUND AN OLD DISH RAG THAT STILL SMELLS LIKE HER, SO I WONT FORGET.

ITS NOT FAIR IT WASNT HER TIME, I DONT CARE WHAT PEOPLE SAY......IT JUST WASNT HER TIME...I KNOW SHE WAS OLD BUT NOT OLD ENOUGH...IF ONLY WE CAN SEE INTO THE FUTURE AND SEE THAT WHAT SHE WENT THROUGH WASNT AT ALL NEEDED. MAYBE INSTEAD OF A ****SIMPLE**** BACK SURGERY, MAYBE SOME THERAPY, A MASSAGE EVERYDAY, A CHIROPRACTOR, INSTEAD OF A *DUMBASS SURGEON* THAT DOSENT KNOW SHIT ABOUT BEING A DOCTOR.

WHY HER, WHY COUDNT SOMETHING HAVE HAPPENED TO HIM THE DAY OF SURGERY, THAT WAY NO ONE ELSE WOULD HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE PAIN HE CAUSES. I KNOW IM RAMBLING BUT IT FEELS BETTER TO GET IT OUT. I JUST MISS HER, EVEN THOUGH I STILL THINK I CAN JUST RIDE DOWN THE STREET TO SEE HER. OR CALL HER TO TELL HER I LOVE HER...HER NUMBER IS STILL IN MY PHONE UNDER NANNY, I JUST CANT BRING MYSELF TO ERASE IT...HER....AND IM NOT GOING TO ITS GOING TO STAY THERE FOREVER. WHO KNOWS MAYBE IF I CALL IT SHE'LL ANSWER ONE DAY.

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