CrazyKnight's blog: "My Thoughts"

I, every so often, reflect back to a scene from The Pursuit of Happyness where the kid, Christopher, played by Jaden Smith, tells his father, Chris Gardner, played by Will Smith a story of a man floating out at sea. A boat comes by and asks the man if he needs help and the man replies “No, my God will save me. “ Later, another boat comes by and asks if the man needed help, again the man replied “No thank you, My God will save me.” Later on another boat comes by and once again asks the man if he needs help. “The man politely replies “No, my God will save me.” A short time later the man drowns and dies. When he goes to heaven he asks God “Lord, why did you let me drown?” God replies “I sent you 3 boats you dummy” Many years ago I made a very poor decision to jump into that ocean and swim away from a very important person in my life. Irresponsibility, immaturity, selfishness, and stupidity. These are just a few of the waves that were crashing over my head and clouding my judgment. This cloudiness caused me to drown and never even realize it. I was told I was alive, given what I needed to believe I was alive, but never allowed to live. I was so engulfed in the darkness of the lies, deceit, and manipulation that I never gave the second chance that was brought before me a look. Remorse, regret, selfishness, stupidity, lies, and manipulation. These were the six walls that surrounded me and kept me in the dark far under the ocean. A very special person, who also happens to be my life boat, has been teaching me of how the universe gives back what it is given. I am not sure what it was that I gave to receive a third chance to be truly happy but I am not going to question it because my third chance has come as a hurricane to break down every wall that has surrounded me, brought light to my darkened world, and has consistently kept me out of the box. Thankfully I have realized there is a reason that I keep getting this chance and have embraced it fully and open-hearted and fall deeper and deeper in love with my kttn every second that I am with her.

Recently, I have been graced with the opportunity to be reacquainted with a very special person. Even though I have known you for over ten years and have been intimate at points throughout, I don't think I have realized how great a person you really are. I want to thank you for sharing you love with me and letting me into your life. This has made you, without your knowledge, a beacon of light in some fairly dark times for me. You have done so much for me, most you know, others you don't. It is because of this affection and love that I have been able to focus with a fairly sound mind on my problems at hand and to the good aspects as well. I know you sometimes wonder why it is that I do some of the things for you that I am willing to do, affectionately, emotionally, and in other aspects as well. This small thank you letter does not even come close to the love, admiration, and respect that I have for you. I am looking forward to continuing to return the attention that you give me and I hope that one day you gain the confidence in yourself and realize how wonderful a person you really are. Until then I will just have to keep reminding you and enjoy doing it. I have made this blog public because there are people out there who have treated my Kttn with disrespect and even distain. I can honestly say that they are obviously blind. For those out there, don't be rude, don't be disrespectful, just move along and let the people who accept Kttn for who she is, love her and treat her as she deserves. Once again, thank you for being the person that you are, have become, and have been to me.

I am by no means an “expert” in the online social scene but over the years, since back when AOL was “pay-by-the-minute” that there is a vast personality difference. Almost as if when a person sits behind a keyboard an alter ego emerges. I begin to think that in the face of other people that we wear masks for whatever the situation calls for. At work we can have out our serious-focused mask on, at home we can have on our passive-aggressive one on, but behind the keyboard is it another mask that we don or is it all masks off and the true nature emerges? In general, my time interacting with other people online has been pleasant, short of the adolescent interaction where “flaming” seems to be the norm. From time to time I have come across, typically from the male gender, those who posses the evil alter ego. Not caring for the feelings of the person on the other end of the computer. Could this just be the suppressed nature that is being held back from a day of wearing masks that just pours out when the mask comes off? If so, then it would seem to me that this would be a highly potent version of a person’s true nature. There is something that I have noticed that gives this true nature overload and interesting twist. Inflection is removed when words are put into text. Some of it can be reintroduced by punctuation, the usage of words, or REALLY emphasizing, but for the most part the inflection comes from the interpretation of the readers mind. So now it becomes impression vs. interpretation. It would be nice if human nature could be categorized this easily. With all the tiny nuances of personality, society, and genetics it creates a battlefield of socialization. Something that I keep in the forefront of my mind during my online interaction is that we are connected to vast world of people and in today’s connected media the choices are to great to linger over evil alter egos. This street goes both ways in my given and taken perception. Since it is my personal opinion, and from given feedback, that I have a fairly descent personality that I try to portray as much as possible keeping in mind that it is just as easy for me to come across in the wrong way as it is for me to misunderstand others.

A thought that was coursing through my mind last night like cars on a Nascar race track was Point-of-View. I like to fancy myself as an objective person that is able to remove emotion from a situation, not to hard since I am a guy, and put myself in the other person’s shoes. I got to thinking that this is a fallacy. That it is not possible to truly see through another persons eyes. That would require you to have the mind, genetics, and experiences of that other person and completely void your own. Even knowing every intimate detail of the other person would still not give an accurate vision of the other person’s thoughts because they would always become muddled with your own. So does this become a futile attempt or is it like that Christmas present of socks that you get from your parents of “It’s the thought that counts?” It seems to me that trying to add point-of-views to a situation creates more depth. Starting with two points, your personal POV and the situation, and drawing a line between the two. Then adding another point and connecting that to the other two points to create a triangle. Then adding another and another until the geometric shape becomes immeasurable. There is a friend of mine that I talk with from time to time. The conversations are always extremely interesting because when questions are posted to him, no matter how insignificant it may seem to me, there is always a pause. You can almost see the synaptic relays exploding like fireworks at a 4th of July party behind his eyes. It makes me wonder if he is creating those immeasurable geometric shapes of Point-of-Views before he delivers his well calculated answers. It is in this pool of thoughts that I find some clarity to Point-of-View or should I say “Alternative-Thought-Processes.” Although I can not fathom what truly goes on in the mind of another person, I can sympathize with the complicated and deep thought process that is put into it. So I pose that removing the emotion from the situation and keeping a logical objective view is not always the best route.

Every once in awhile, more often then I would like, I have insomniatic (yes I know it’s not a word, but it’s a good album by Aly & AJ) episodes. It creeps over me like a black cloud moving through the night pushing its curse through my veins. They usually happen when my mind gets away from me and too many thoughts go roaming. There was a time that the thoughts were innovative and I would purposely stay awake so that I could act on them. Slowly, like Neapolitan ice cream in the hot sun, those creative and innovative ideas melted away and swirled together in a jumbled mess. From time to time I am able to pull out some semblance of a cohesive thought. There are times that I like to share some of these thoughts. If nothing else, to get them down and draw those apples out of the barrel of water and get to the refreshing cool clear water of sleep. I have thought that if I keep adding more apples to the barrel than what I take out, then what is the point? It’s sort of along the lines of “why make your bed if you are going to mess it up that night?” Then again, it makes no sense to continue to stir the melted bowl of ice cream but instead slowly separate the flavors till things make sense again.