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I'm looking for something new to wash away the pain of all that I have lost and all that was forgotten the ability to move forward and step into the light the strength to feel again the way I felt before to once again be whole intead of broken apart The courage to be alone so I can Share myself again someday
I started to write this morning like I have done so many others I actually wrote quite a bit. I then realized that the subject I was writing on and what I was writing is one of the major issues that we face after being hurt as bad as so many of us have. The subject was loneliness I was trying to write a poem or at least something that I could post because it had been so long and I really wanted to say something about this. But there was just to much to say. I decided to just blog away instead. Here goes. Forgive me again though sleep deprivation is taking its toll again. I was laying in bed this morning feeling rather lonely myself a feeling that creeps in quite often I was going over many of the conversation I have had with many of you as well and I realized we all go through the same thing this void called loneliness that seeps in from all around us. This fear of not being able to love again, the fear of succumbing to this void in our heart and soul for the rest of our lives. Its scary, how is it we can be in a room full of people that care and love us yet we still feel alone. We can be with someone that cares about us but because we don’t love them we still feel alone. Does this make us broken in some way? Will we ever be able to fix it? I have talked too many of you and with almost all it’s the same the loneliness is the hardest thing to deal with. Many fall into the cycle of finding someone only to find out they still feel alone because the feelings when they are with this new person just are not there even though it may seem like it at first before long the realization is, they are just not the one. Many have tried to just settle and choose someone that they enjoy being around with hopes the feeling of emptiness will fade in time but it doesn’t. I know from my experience the last few years of my marriage I felt horribly alone I saw her slipping away and longed for her to love me back the way I still loved her but it never happened. The feeling of loneliness just gets worse. I have heard this same thing from so many others in relationships but still alone. How do we fix this? What can be done to change that feeling? If only as humans we could communicate honestly and freely life would be so much easier. If we could actually tell those we love the way we feel maybe it would quell some of the loneliness in the world. I know many of you open up to me, you talk and write to me about your feelings and what you have gone through this helps me realize that there are so many others out there that go through all these same things. It helps quell that loneliness some. Still it manages to seep in from time to time. Lying in bed alone after all those years of always having some one is hard. The urge to find someone, anyone to fill that spot is overwhelming at times. You tell yourself that maybe if you find someone new and give it time maybe the feelings will develop. Deep down you know this is not true though. You long to just be with someone that you can care about. Someone to hold, someone to caress but most of all just to know someone is there. The fear of being hurt can also cause us to feel alone. After being hurt so bad it’s next to impossible to trust and let someone in again maybe even someone you do feel for and that feels for you. Hopefully when the right person comes around the love will overcome this obstacle as it does so many others. The fear of hurting someone else is a big one that many deal with. The fear of not being able to love again is a harder one to deal with that contributes to this a lot. How can we look for someone new if we cannot feel, we are only going to hurt someone if they fall for us and we cannot return the feelings? How can we prevent this from happening? Is it better to just stay alone then to risk hurting others? I don’t have an answer here but I do know that if we don’t take risk, if we don’t try, we will never know. So are we doomed to suffer in this void forever? It seems that with all this against us that it would be near impossible to succeed, yet so many do. We cannot just sit and hope someone will come to us we have to look; we have to take that risk and try to love someone again. We have to try and push that loneliness out of our live and fill tat void with love once again for some maybe even for the first time. I have had it once or twice in my life and when it is filled the feeling is more than worth the fight. I will say this though don’t settle you can be with someone you don’t love this way but don’t close the door to the possibility of finding the one that will make you feel the way you should. For those in a relationship and are still lonely try to communicate with the person you are with try to tell each other your feelings you may fix the problem or you may find its over either way you both deserve the right to be with someone that will fill that void for you. You have to be fair to each other. Well ok now why am I writing this well. I too am lonely as are so many others and I thought maybe if I told you all that, you too would feel better as I do. The world is a lonely place at times. Life can be so lonely at times as well. We fill the void of loneliness in so many ways, does that make us broken or wrong? I don’t think so it just makes us human I think. I can say this though; surround your self with friends and family, even though you may feel alone around them you are not. Remember you can never have to many friends this is something I have learned and will never forget. You all have helped me more than you can ever realize and this is why I’m always here to listen and help when you need me.
You chose me I chose you you said I do I said I do some times were bad some times were good you hurt me I hurt you we both have regrets we both have sorrow I made you what you are you made me what I am I'm sorry your sorry I still love you do you still love me? I wrote this as a txt message after a fight with my ex. Feel free to use it if you want.
All the years together All the memories shared All the challenges we faced None were enough to keep us together You made me leave not to return You withhold that which is mine You avoid the decisions that need to be made You will not say what needs to be said You neglect to release me from my promises You aggressively fight every effort made to move on I finally set boundaries you should never pass You crash through them in a fit of rage When you do you finally release me I'm free and can feel the weight lifted away My life moves forward once again Happiness seeps in where it was lost for so long Now all I can do is say thank you.
I stand here teetering on the edge of an abyss The abyss I crawled out of all those years ago I crawled out and followed a dream for a better life. I held the dream for a long while. The dream has now come crashing to an end. I now stand here wondering how long before I descend into the depth of this abyss again. The whole time being pushed and attacked by the one I trusted the most to keep me from the abyss. The attacks gets harder and more forceful I slip but hold on just barely clinging by one hand. The attacks again come now even more forceful, I’m holding on by just the finger tips. I cling as hard as I can and try to brush off the attacks, how long can I hold on. What will happen if I fall into the depths again? Will I be something different or the same as I was before? Will there be an escape for me if a fall this time. I sway by my fingertips hoping the attacks will stop. They don’t stop; I cling there caught in torturous limbo. Will the attacks ever stop? Will someone save me? Will I manage to save myself? I sway there in limbo with my grasp loosening. I wonder which future will come to be.
Why does separation have to be so hard? Why is there so much hate and distrust where there use to be so much love and caring? Why does there have to be so much pain and anger involved? Where does all that anger project from? Can it be real, or only the fear of being hurt further or facing the truth of what really happened? How can two that felt so much for each other now feel so bad towards each other its not possible? There has to be something under the surface not being said not being dealt with? It would all be so easy if we could just be honest and forward with each other. It's by hiding and not admitting our true selves that we let these things happen. It does not have to be this hard.
You lie about where you have been I know your lying You lie to me about him I know your lying I tell you I know you are lying You hold to the lie I show you I know you are lying You hold to the lie You see the pain and hurt you cause me You continue the lie You see the pain and hurt you cause them You continue the lie I beg you to stop with him and the lying You run to him and again you lie Your lies finally tear us apart You run to him and again you lie I'm gone now Yet you still lie They soon follow Yet you still lie In the end you are left only with the lies The truth and reality you once had are gone.
What do we do when the ones we trust and care about the most betray us? How do we accept and get over the hurt and the pain they leave us with. Everyone always says wait and it will get better, but it only gets worse as the days go by. The lies and betrayal get worse everyday. Instead of getting better it escalates. How do we stop what we have no control over? They continue to push no matter what. Even if you try to ignore the betrayal and the lies, they still catch up and hurt you. If you try and respond positively they take advantage of you. If you try and respond aggressively they use it against you. You try and try and get nowhere till you feel helpless with overwhelming pain and distrust. You beg them to stop and they betray and hurt you even worse than before.
The challenges we face in life are suppose to make us stronger. How strong do we have to be? The pain we face in life is supposed to make us feel alive. How much pain does one have to endure? The losses in life are supposed to make us appreciate what we have. What is left when there is nothing else left to loose? They say these life experiences help to form us into who we are. If these experience make us who we are. What does that say about us? Then again if it were easy we would probably just take life for granted.
How do we survive when the one we thought was our true love wasn't? All that time thinking this was the one we lived for. Only to find out it was years spent living in a dream. Time and emotion invested, to find out it was not true after all. Memories are clouded with lies, deceit and distrust. All the plans for the future now gone into nothingness. Losing not only the love, but the dream as well. Maybe there is just no such thing as true love anymore. Or is it… Just that hard to find anyone that's true anymore?
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