Crimsonlpn's blog: "First blog"

I dont really have anyone here to talk to that knows me well so I'm gonna say it here. I have always been shy... no matter how I seem when I talk to people online. I am always self conscious about myself, the things I say, or how I sound. I have a hard time talking on the phone... I blank out and become a space cadet and lose my train of thought. That was true until you.....

I'm not even sure how I found your page.... or how you found mine. All I know is everything has changed since then. Things seemed to click into place right from the start. We chatted here and there, then I got brave... I gave you my number. Something I haven't ever done before. Not trying to sound like a prude or anything.. I was just always too shy or scared.  Rejection has always been a paralyzing thought for me so I have always "played it safe" and just waited. If it happened, wonderful.... if not, well that's ok maybe next time.  Completely different with you. I couldn't wait to hear your voice and find out everything about you. 

Those first few conversations were amazing! We talked and laughed and have so many things in common. I felt myself falling even then. That Saturday night... was so intense, mind shattering. I coudn't get enough of you. I was so nervous, but then not. I felt connected to you and knew it would be "ok." I became addicted to your voice that night, and needed to hear you every day. Messaging here and there made me smile but hearing you on the other end of the phone... made my heart full. I got butterflies.... and still do when your ringtone sounds. 

We both knew things were happening fast... both felt it and wanted to be cautious. But I couldn't. I didnt want to slow down... my heart wouldn't let me, regardless of the life issues we both have. I felt like I found my "person" and wasn't letting go. Where were you my whole life?? Why did I have to have so many bad ones before finding you? Does it matter? NO. I found you and have you now. That's all that matters. I smile more now than I have in my entire life. The people I work with have noticed... and ask me "What is goin on with you?" 

My answer to them is... I met someone. Someone who makes me smile all the time. Someone who makes me feel beautiful, sexy, wanted, and needed. Something no one else has made me feel before. I was always wrong, not good enough... "unworthy," too this or too that, or just something to be used, abused, then thrown away. You make me feel like I matter, that what I have to say is important and you really want to know. 

I'm so scared right now... I have never felt so strong about someone before. Not even the two times I was married. It hasn't been long, but I know if something happened, I would be devastated for the rest of my life. I want you to know how strongly I feel about you.. but that fear.. stifles my words. I'm falling in love with you and can't stop or slow down. I know when I put my arms around you or have your hand in mine, it will be like my other half has found me. I'm saying this here because I need to say it but I am so scared of what you will say.... The heart wants what the heart wants. It cannot be denied or substituted. 

And my heart knows what it wants..... It wants you....