Vixen's blog: "My Dead Life"

Well I have not been on this site for a very long time. I think it was still Lost Cherry when I checked things out last. Lets see if I can do a rundown of major events. 1) Dallas and I moved into our own house. We rent so we don't own it, but its a huge house. We love it. 2) Soon after moving we got married. We got married Oct. 31st 2007. We are very very happy. I love him so much it still bugs me to be away from him while I'm at work all day. I know...its sickening. 3) We've been through some bad times where we were jobless and then got new jobs that didn't work out, then jobless again...I finally found the perfect job working for a University. I get benefits and time off and all that good stuff. Its heaven and I get a long with all my co-workers. I think I've found my place. 4) Dallas is doing his own thing by running a mobile mechanic business. Its starting to do pretty well. If you need some work done to your vehicle and you're within a reasonable driving distance, let me know. He'd be happy to do a free estimate. 5) I sold my trans am after the transmission went out. Still got $2300 for it with a broke tranny. 6) I just bought a 2000 Escort ZX2 SR. If you don't know what it is, you should look it up. Its awesome! 7) We're in the middle of a custody battle for my step-kids. Its a nightmare! If his ex would just die, we'd all be happy...even the kids would be happy. 8) I've come to realize that a black cloud follows Dallas everywhere he goes...Its the damnest thing I've ever seen. I'm not sure what else has happened, but I'm sure there is more. I get to go see the kid's counselor today that their mother has been taking them to because of their bad behavior and hostility at home. Funny thing...I've never had those kids act hostile when they're with us. Even me as their step-mother, they've never given me a problem in the 4 years I've been around. Sounds like they just don't want to be at her home and they want to live with us permanently. Oh well, I'm just waiting for April 9th.

So I got back Friday evening from my 3 week long license and sales classes for my new job. And of course I can't even go to work onmy first day because of the ice. My car door was frozen shut and I'm sure the roads were pretty bad especially since the sun hasn't been out at all today. So that sucks. Money lost today but at least I can practise my presentations for tomorrow. But I met some awesome people while I was there. I met Jessica and she's awesome. I think she's the friend I've always needed in my life to get me through. Not to mention her husband and Dallas are a lot alike so I think they'll get along great. We're all going to the Rage in a Cage thing next month in Roanoke. Dallas and Michael both want to be in it next year, but thats going to take some serious training and since Hank hasn't been able to get back down here in over a month I don't think they'll get in enough classes to take on those guys in a year when they're taking one class a month. But then again...its Hank...so I dunno. But anyway I also met Lindsey and she's really cool. She's a green witch and she really helped Jessica and I both see the spiritual side of things. I can see auras now if I concentrate really hard. My spiritual goals are to learn to read auras with ease and of course...astral project. After I can do those I'm going to move into dream divination. I just washed all my stones last night and I'd like to charge them but the sun is behind the clouds and probably with me for the rest of the day. So charging may have to wait unless it clears out later. I've got some great stone that I didn't even realize I had until I got home and looked through them. My two main ones are sodalite and peridot. As soon as they're charged i've got to use them. Anyway, I learned so much over my time away from home. I learned that living without Dallas really really sucks...which I knew that to begin with, but being away from him was terrible. I didn't really have any motivation to go anywhere or do anything since he wasn't there with me. I've learned to appreciate the small moments with him. Even if it just going to walmart to get kitty litter I want him there with me. Speaking of which, I need to clean out the kitty box.

OK HERE'S HOW THIS WORK I WILL TELL YOU TEN THING'S ABOUT ME THEN I WILL PICK TEN PEOPLE TO DO THE SAME THING THIS IS A GOOD WAY FOR US ALL TO GET TO KNOW THE PEOPLE WE CHAT WITH AND CALL OUR FRIENDS I THINK IF YOUR MY FRIEND YOU'D LIKE TO KNOW ALL YOU CAN AS I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW ABOUT YOU SO IF I PICK YOU YA GOTTA PLAY DAMMIT LOL 1)I was fired from a video store (how pitiful I know LOL) 2)I love reading books on vampires, like Anne Rices Vampire Chronicles and Poppy Z Brite. 3)I have a horrible temper and bad mood swings. I take my fiance's paxil when I'm feelings especially hostel. 4)I have to have a cup of coffee if I get up really early. 5)I have a slight eating disorder but I'm working to get past it and be healthy, not just thin. 6)I don't like my brothers even now that we're all adults. 7)I used to addicted to over the counter meds and could stay fucked up for a week straight taking 16 pills at a time. I stopped when I realized one day that I'd missed a week of my life and hadn't couldn't remember getting to my friends house. 8)I'm a great cook when I've the time and resources to make something grand. 9)I firmly believe that there is more to living than this one life. There's more to the universe than an average of 75 years to figure out the meaning of life when you spend a third of that too young to know anything or too old to do it. 10) I believe in fate and that nomatter what I do I'll get to the same place in the end....but I do believe that our choices and how we use our time is our own. We can live and love on our way or we can hate and die. Personally I like doing all four. HAHA. Okay I want to get to know some stuff about all my friends on here. Make a blog for me to read! Everyone should do this. It is really nice to know some things about you! NOW PICK 10 PEOPLE AND PUT BOO ON IT AND SEND YOUR LINK BACK TO ME SO I KNOW YOUR ANSWERS AND THE 10 YOU PICK HAVE FUN!!!!!!!!

I finally spoke to Dallas about my feelings towards his Christmas gift because it was bothering me so bad that it was 4 AM and I was staring at the ceiling unable to sleep and it was really really bothering me. I explained to him that I didn't understand why he would get something so impersonal and that a gift card for something like is not something you normally get for your significant other for Christmas. I mean thats something you get your sister-in-law or something because you know what to pick out for them. Now if it had been a gift card to Hot Topic or Spencers I would have been jumping up and down. So we talked about it and he was fine and he told me why he got it and that there were a million things he wanted to buy but of course couldn't and all the things on his list were perfect but unattainable. He actually said he thought about getting a gift card to Hot Topic so I could go in and have a feild day but he finally decided on the other place because he thought I'd like to have new stuff for my new job. I don't want anyone to think I was unappreciative of what he gave me. I'm not. He told me they had great stuff in Catos and he knew I'd like it and they had great shoes and stuff so I'm actually now looking forward to checking it out. It was unexpected you know? Christmas is when you expect to get a gorgeous necklace or in my case I normally expect to get some kind of fantasy figurines or daggers. I was just confused at how impersonal it was. I'm not a bitch or anything, I just didn't get it. But its okay now and I feel better. I hope I didn't upset him or anything. I probably did though and thats the only thing I hate. I didn't want to say anything but it was in the back of my mind and I had to ask him why he picked that.

Well what a wonderful Christmas. My finace bought me a gift card to a place that I've never even shopped at for new clothes......for work. He said, "I went and looked around and thought it had nice buisness clothes for your new job"...or something to that effect. His parents bought him clothes from Hot Topic which is the only place I shop unless I'm shopping for jeans, and I get shirts from fucking Sears from the boring women's department that the 40 year olds shop in. I mean does this fucking job mean I have to fucking lose my damn identity or what? I haven't changed who I am, I've changed jobs! What the fuck!? I mean I don't know whether to yell at Dallas or just fucking cry. Maybe I'm wrong to feel this way but I do. It hurt my feelings that he didn't think more of me than that when we've been together for a year and half and lived together almost our entire relationship. He should know me better than that and I just can't beleive he didn't put more effort into it. I mean I knew what I was going to get him months ago because I fucking pay attention to what he says and I know him and I know what he likes and wants even he doesn't know it. I'm just as distraught over the fact that I suddenly feel like my fucking job is going to define me and define who I am. I'm not going to start dressing in slacks and blouses when I go out to dinner or hang out with my friends. Thats not who I am and its not going to be. I still want my clothes from Hot Topic and I still like certain even if some of my style is changing. I'm not turning into a damn suit and I feel insulted. A gift card! From my finace! Dammit! I mean would any of you do something like that for the person you're supposed to care about more than anyone else?!

A strange time to be sitting around thinking when its Christmas Eve and all. But nontheless I was thinking about myself and wondering about when Dallas said that I was as bad as he was but not as violent. Meaning basically that I'm bi-polar and completely paranoid about people. I don't deny it at all. I know I am. But I never really thought that part of my bi-polar disorder as me being paranoid. When I think of it I'm reminded of people who stare over their shoulder and think that people are after them and shit. I'm just paranoid about everybody actually not liking me and talking behind my back. Which is why its hard for me take to people. I'm always suspicious of people. Oh well, I'll go to the doctor next month and get on something so that I can keep this job I've got. Can't wait to get started on that.

Okay I don't know wtf is up with the stach item but why the hell can't I delete my items or edit my titles even though it had the delete options and edit options on it. Its really fucking making me mad. Can someone explain this shit to me?

So every now and again I get Error messages saying that I'm allowed to view certain photos or blogs. Whats all that about? Are there settings and stuff to set up where only family or only friends or a preferred list is set up that can be selected when posting blogs and photos??

So we talked today and apologies were given on both sides and we got things straight. I don't like having problems in my relationship and I refuse to fight or argue over dumb shit. I know Dallas and I have been together now for a year and a half but I still sometimes get thrown back into my past and its hard for me to say what I'm feeling or thinking because thats just the way I am. I'm used to guys who turn everything around and manipulate me so that I'm the one who's wrong and shouldn't feel the way that I do. Every guy that I've been with before has been like that. Forcing me to like what they want while my feelings, wants, and needs are ignored. Dallas ha never been like that and he respects me. Its still new to me sometimes. He had no idea that what he said the other night even bothered me because I just walked away and I let it fester in my head and I can't help it sometimes. I told him that it really hurt my feelings and he felt really bad. And of course I felt bad for flipping out yesterday because I had let it get it to me and didn't say anything. Of course I also explained that there were some other things that set me off too and I know I really hurt his feelings. Instead of him fighting or anything like that he just doesn't say anything because he doesn't want to fight with me. I spent my last relationship for 2 years like that andfor the first time I spent one day similar to that and it was fucking hell. I can't stand that shit with Dallas. With my ex it would have been a blessing if he would have just left me alone when we had a problem but he had to be a huge drama queen. Its nice to be with someone who loves me for me and respects me. We like to give each other hell but PMS can fuck with your head.