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MysticAngel's blog: "Misc"

created on 12/05/2007  |  http://fubar.com/misc/b164303
"We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them." - Albert Einstein
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
Jury Duty Scam DO NOT DELETE WITHOUT READING ! This has been verified by the FBI (their link is also included below). Please pass this on to everyone in your email address book. It is spreading fast so be prepared should you get this call. Most of us take those summonses for jury duty seriously, but enough people skip out on their civic duty, that a new and ominous kind of fraud has surfaced. The caller claims to be a jury coordinator. If you protest that you never received a summons for jury duty, the scammer asks you for your Social Security number and date of birth so he or she can verify the information and cancel the arrest warrant. Give out any of this information and bingo; your identity was just stolen. The fraud has been reported so far in 11 states, including Oklahoma , Illinois , and Colorado . This (swindle) is particularly insidious because they use intimidation over the phone to try to bully people into giving information by pretending they are with the court system. The FBI and the federal court system have issued nationwide alerts on their web sites, warning consumers about the fraud.
A little boy asked his mother, 'Why are you crying?' 'Because I'm a woman,' she told him. 'I don't understand,' he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, 'And you never will.' Later the little boy asked his father, 'Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?' 'All women cry for no reason,' was all his dad could say. The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry. Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked, 'God, why do women cry so easily?' God said: 'When I made the woman she had to be special I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children. I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue with out complaining. I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly. I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart. I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly. And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed.' 'You see my son,' said God, 'the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides.'
Can I borrow $25? A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year Old son waiting for him at the door. SON: 'Daddy, may I ask you a question?' DAD: 'Yeah sure, what it is?' replied the man. SON: 'Daddy, how much do you make an hour?' DAD: 'That's n one of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?' the Man said angrily. SON: 'I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an Hour?' DAD: 'If you must know, I make $50 an hour.' SON: 'Oh,' the little boy replied, with his head down. SON: 'Daddy, may I please borrow $25?' The father was furious, 'If the only reason you asked that is so you can Borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you March yourself straight to your room and go to bed.Think about why You are being so selfish. I don't work hard everyday for such childish Frivolities.' The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's Questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money? After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down , and started to Think: maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $25.00 and he really didn't ask for money very often. The man went To the door of the little boy's room and opened the door, 'Are you Asleep, son?' He asked. 'No, daddy, I'm awake,' replied the boy. 'I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier' said the Man. 'It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $25 you asked for.' The little boy sat straight up, smiling. 'Oh, thank you daddy!' He yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled Up bills. The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get Angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then Looked up at his father. 'Why do you want more money if you already Have some?' the father grumbled. Because I didn't have enough, but Now I do,' the little boy replied. 'Daddy, I have $50 now. Can I buy an Hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to Have dinner with you.' _______________________________________________ The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he Begged for his forgiveness. It's just a short reminder to all of you Working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers Without having spent some time with those who really matter to Us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $50 worth of Your time with someone you love. If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of hours. But the family & friends we leave Behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. From my house to yours 'The light of God surrounds us. The love of God enfolds us. The power of God protects us. The presence of God watches over us. Wherever we are God is and all is well.' (Embedded image moved to file: pic28400.jpg) (Embedded image moved to file: pic06558.jpg) Please don't break this even if you only send it to one person. Thanks Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend
To Be 6 Again... A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it w! as off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again??' Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!' The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.
Why Parents Drink The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? ' 'Is your daddy home?' he asked. ' Yes ,' whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?' The child whispered, ' No .' Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' ' Yes ' 'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No ' Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?' ' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman. ' Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' ' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?' ' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?' ' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice. 'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, ' The search team just landed a helicopter ' Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?' Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... ' ME . '
1. Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. 2. Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. 3. Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. 4. Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! 5. Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.) 6. That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. 7. Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. 8 . Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU! 9. Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself.. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3. *Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology. *Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true. I would also like to add: Excuse me?: When he says something that I really think he shouldn't have said and now he knows he shouldn't have said it...
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