A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand."Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?""Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button."Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy...".
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
The law professor was lecturing on courtroom procedure. "When you are fighting a case and have the facts on your side, hammer away at the facts. If you have the law on your side, hammer away with the law." "But what if you have neither the facts nor the law on your side?" "In that case," said the professor, "hammer away on the table."
Ralph and Norris went bear hunting in Montana. While Ralph stayed in the cabin, Norris went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him. His rifle jammed, so he dropped it and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.Now Norris was pretty fleet of foot, but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as Norris reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.Norris man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
Joan and her neighbor are talking about their daughters, Joan says, my daughter is at the university. She Is very bright, you know. Every time we get a letter from her we have to go to the dictionary.Her neighbor says you are lucky every time we hear from our daughter we have to go to the bank Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!
Two philosophers were sitting at a restaurant, discussing whether or not there was a difference between misfortune and disaster."There is most certainly a difference," said one. "If the cook suddenly died and we couldn't have our dinner that would be a misfortune but certainly not a disaster. On the other hand, if a cruise ship carrying the Congress was to sink in the middle of the ocean, that would be a disaster but by no stretch of the imagination would it be a misfortune"
A UNI graduate is applying for a part time job to help with his course fees. He applies to work in a supermarket and gets the job. The first day the manager tells him to sweep the floor, the UNI grad. is furious and shouts "hey mate, don't you know that I have several degrees in various areas of science and after seven years of going to university you ask me to sweep the floor". The manager replied Oh sorry, I didn't know that, here pass me the broom and Ill show you how to sweep the floor."
A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!" The wife says, "Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?" He says, "I don't care! Just be out by the end of the week!"
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly."I would do anything to pass this exam," she says.She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything..."He returns her gaze, "Anything?""Anything."His voice softens, "Anything?""Anything," she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"

Teacher to a student: "Can you think of a solution to end unemployment?"Yes, sir! I'd put all the men on one island and the women on another."And what would they be doing then?"Building boats!"

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.The bartender asks, "Whats wrong?" The old man looks at the bartender through teary eyes and between sobs says, "I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She's a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper, Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, "But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?"The old man looks at the bartender and says, "I can't remember where I live!"
Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this I am a United States congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."
This guy goes into a doctor's office. The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?" The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first." "Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor replies. The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible! What could be worse than that? What's the VERY bad news?" The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is...I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."
A man takes his dog to the vet. "My dog is crossed eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "Well," says the vet, "let's take a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."What? Because he is cross-eyed?""No, because he's really heavy."

It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang.The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? ... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and promptly slammed the phone down.His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"The husband replies, I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.
It was local election time and the candidate was visiting all the houses in his area.At one house a small boy answered the door. "Tell me, young man, "said the politician,"Is your Mommy in the Republican Party or the Democratic Party?""Neither," said the child, "she's in the bathroom."
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way " Take a clean dish."
A man sat down and was seriously staring at the marriage certificate, after a long time his wife asked, "What are you looking for?" He replied, "The expiration date."
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain."Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor."You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman."What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
A man wrote a letter to the IRS: "I have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income and have enclosed a check for $200.00. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."
A man tell his friend, "I went to my doctor to see if he could help me give up smoking""What did he say?""He suggested that every time I felt like a smoke I should reach for a bar of chocolate.""Did that do any good?""No I can't get the chocolate to light."
Looking down at his patient, the doctor decided to tell him the truth. "I fell that I must tell you: You are a very sick man. I'm sure you would want to know the facts. I don't think you have much time left. Now, is there anyone you would like to see?"Bending down toward the sick man, the doctor heard him softly answer, "Yes.""Who is it?"In a little stronger tone, the patient said, "Another doctor."
A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what you've been doing."
Here- why are you trying to cross the road in this dangerous place? There's a zebra crossing just a few yards up the road, said the policeman.Well, I hope he's having better luck than I am, said the pedestrian.

A jet ran into some turbulent weather. To keep the passengers calm the flight attendants brought out the beverage carts. "I'd like a soda," said a passenger in the first row. Moving along, the attendant asked the man behind her if he would like something."Yes, I would," he replied. "Give me whatever the pilot is drinking!"
From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving is hands."Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain."I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad."

Sitting at the bar, sad Rob told the bartender that he was drinking to forget the heartbreak of his broken engagement. "Yeah," said Rob, "would you marry someone who didnt know the meaning of the word faithful, and who was flip and even vicious when the subject of fidelity came up?" "No way in hell" said the bartender."Well, said Rob, "neither would my fiance."
New customer to Tech Support: "It says, hit any key and when I do that nothing happens".Tech Support: Can you try again and tell me what happens?Customer: "Tried but nothing"Tech Support: "What key did you hit?"After a moment and some chick ling sound the customer replied: Well, first I tried my car key and just now my office key.

A businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?""It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
Two husbands were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes. The Chad said, "I've made one great discovery. I know how to always have the last word.""Wow!" said Sherman, "how did you manage that?""It's easy," replied Chad. "My last word is always 'Yes, Dear.
X X X's -n- O O O's
If you know someone suffering from Mental Illness, Depression
Or Addiction Please Help
Sometimes You might be their only Hope!

~Thank You

P.S.Dads are good at so many things, from teaching you how to ride a bike to showing you how to change a tire, and everything in between. They provide a reassuring hand to hold and a strong shoulder to cry on...all with that special sense of humor known as dad jokes. What's a dad joke, you ask? It's that groan-worthy, pun-laden, can't-help-but-laugh type of humor that dads are best at delivering. Sure, there are mom jokes and jokes for kids, but we just can't help but laugh at the ones from dear old dad.