The closer Christmas gets the harder things hit me. Its been a while since i've talked about certain things. Maybe this isn't the place to say some things but its definately the time. I spend Christmas alone. It was never really a big deal for a long time but alot of things have happened in my life. Changes happen in and around all of us. The things that have happened to me i could and should write a book about. For those that don't know me but still read this i guess i should start from the beginning.
I was a soldier for 14 years. I was wounded twice and was forced out of the military. I mean just about every major conflict the US has been in since 1983 i as there. I was in Beiruit the morning our Barracks was destroyed in 1983. I spent 10 days with everyone else digging thru rubble. In 1986 i was with a special forces lazer team outside Banghazi Libya when the US bombed. In 1988 i was in Honduras when the Sandanistas came across the border to get at the Contras and us. In 1989 is was one of the 500 special operators on the ground for the invasion of Panama. Desert Shield/Storm. Somalia in 1993. Lets say i have served. I have the nightmares and the scars to prove it, along with a few photos, medals and citations. I feel for the military now. I KNOW what they are enduring. I'd do it all over again if i could. No questions asked. While on active duty i put myself thru college and got a degree in history education. Nothing could stop me from what i really wanted. I was married for the first three years in the army and we had a son who is now almost 21 and i'm so proud of him. That marriage didn't really work out. I was gone too much and "serving". My son and i are very close though and we talk almost daily. If nothing else he even taught me to text message. He has his own life and career now. He is a 14 hour drive away which we'd both gladly make but he can't get time off when i do and vice versa. We'll see each other soon though.
About 12 years ago i met a woman. She was a dream and a few fantasies come true for me. I was recovering from injuries and she saw past that and fell for me just as much as i fell for her. I mean we could not only finish each others sentences but she'd smack me and tell me to quit thinking things before i said it because she was right. We were married 7 months to the day after we met. She nursed me back to health. Daily she would make sure she told me she loved me and proved it too many times to count without ever me having to whine, ask or ever doubt her. I got better and we fell for each other more and more. I got a job with the state as a corrections officer. For those that don't know thats a prison guard. Weird hours, long days and hardly any holidays off. It was Christmas Eve. I had to work. She made plans with her parents to go to another relatives home for Christmas. I'd catch up with them Christmas morning for breakfast and gifts before, yes i went back to work on Christmas evening. I remember that day vividly because it was our 3rd Christmas together and we said we wanted to wait 3 years to have kids. She gave me a box wrapped up and told me not to open it until i got home. I got home and wasn't feeling well so i went to bed. I was woke up by someone pounding on my door at 3:33am. It was a state police officer a my door. He was sorry to inform me that there had been a car accident and that i needed to accompany him to a local hospital. I sank. The bottom just dropped out from under me. I was needed to identify them. We went to the hospital and the first person i saw was my father in law. He had just came out of surgery and was missing his legs and right arm. 10 minutes earlier they had pronounced my mother in law dead. My wife, never knew what hit them. She was killed instantly. A semi tried to stop and had no brakes and hit them from behind at nearly 70mph. He was trying to get home for Christmas. I opened the box she gave me 4 months later. It was an ultrasound picture of what the doctors said was a baby girl. That was the gift she was giving me. That was 7 years ago.
Facing the world alone was tough for a very long time. Regardless of my writings i have put all of that away and have moved on. I've had a couple of relationships since. I have had one come close to becoming a marriage. I still have a sense of family and friendship. I was taught a life lesson of astronomical importance. People come into your life to make a difference. Good, bad or ugly people are more important than things. I found that at first i was comparing people to the way my former wife was like. I found out what made her so special and made the change in my life to mirror it. She always wanted to know about me. She wanted to know what i liked for breakfast. She wanted to know what was in my deepest darkest places in my soul. She made it fun to laugh at myself. So, I try to get to know people. I try to let things grow between us. Man or woman a friendship needs growth too. I have put the death of my wife behind me. She is in my thoughts some days and some days i miss wt she brought to my life. I feel though that i miss someone wanting to know me on that level more. She won't ever come back and i don't see myself trying to join her. My Christmas wish for this year is to find someone special that wants to know me and for me to know them on an atomic level. If this sounds like its turning into a personals ad i'm sorry. Maybe i'm just lonely and would like to share all of the good things in my life. Believe it or not there are many good things in my life. If nothing else maybe i can convince someone to put away the petty dramas in their life and maybe make one hell of a good friend with me. Either way life is whole and complete and i don't NEED people to make me happy. I take care of that within me. I'd love to find one person that think people, honesty and caring is the most important things in life. I just want to make a great friend(s) and see where this world may take us. Thanks for letting me vent. Thanks for letting me share. Merry Christmas.
