Harley Angel's blog: "LOL"

ONE~Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order si x?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets TWO~I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind , I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened. THREE~A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When asked what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy." FOUR~I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk." OK - If this next one isn't blond, she sure needs an honorary membership !! FIVE~Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copy machine pape r," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies. SIX~I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich. SEVEN~My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?" EIGHT~Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. NINE~A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency! "Life is tough." "It's tougher if you're stupid."

West Virginia Cops They are a hard bunch down in West Virginia by all accounts. Two men were driving through West Virginia when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick. "What the hell was that for?" the driver asked. "You're in West Virginia, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in West Virginia, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car." "I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here. The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick. "What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands. "Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper. "Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked. "Because I know your type." the trooper says, "Two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say,"I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me".

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From: Cheri
Date: Oct 22, 2007 9:22 PM


Pantyhose quiz




Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

Now, think about it....

Ready?




ANSWER:



10Little Piggies




2 Calves




1 Ass




And an unknown number of hares.





And of course one (1) . . .

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I departed the store with the $46.64.....They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail. I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free" She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door........They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail. One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?" ...............They Walk Among Us! While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When he explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff." ........They Walk Among Us!! I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific." ....They Walk Among Us! My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. ...............They Walk Among Us! My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. ............... They Walk Among Us! I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?" ...............They Walk Among Us! While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces." ............... Yep, They Walk Among Us! They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce, and WORST OF ALL........................they VOTE!

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Tony, do you have a story to share?" "Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops." "She shot fifteen of them until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands." "Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your Daddy tell you from this story?" "Stay the f--- away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."

Subject: GOLDEN WEDDING ANNIVERSARY A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple." The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once." "We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice." "We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead. *I SHOUTED* at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that! Are you crazy?" She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once." "And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after."

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny , Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school." After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says, " No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?" He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

At 85 years of age, Wally marries Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms. She is concerned that her new, but aged, husband might over exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opened and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done , Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha --- you guessed it --- Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally." Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says, "You mean I was here already?" Moral of the story: Senior moments have their advantages

Dear Wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Dear Ex-Husband: Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning ... And your silk box ers were $49.99. After all of this, I still Ioved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed Rich As Hell and Free! P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil. Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash. Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France , gently aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past. Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia , lost some wars, won some great battles but haunted by past mistakes, still very strong and proud. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia , very wide and borders are now largely un-patrolled. After 70, she becomes Tibet , off the beaten path, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...still desirable but only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge and true love dare visit there. GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN Between 1 and 78, a man is like Iran - ruled by a dick.