Lucy's blog: "Life"

A Passing. A Loss. I need a HUG! Current mood: sad Awww....my morning wake up news was wonderously numb. I find out my G'Father passed on about 8pm, Sunday, 14 Dec. 08...in the midst of the snow storm we were having. Of all the flippin' days that my Mother and G'Mother take a trip over there to see him and they can't, cuz of the fuckin' weather. The news was he hadn't taken any fluids the day b4 and he was slowing slippin' into a coma. The cordless fone was put to his ear and Mother and G'Mother tried to talk to him. He was breathing fast, but he was trying to talk back to them and it was only coming out as grunts. Mom had a feeling it might be the moment of him going. Anyway! I was feeling numb thru my shower, getting dressed...and then head out the door. I almost couldn't get into my car...it was that frozen. I almost gave up, too. But I didn't want to be inside the house...I wanted OUT!!! I finally get into my car and start it up for the warming it needs. And I gather up my bags and back out of the snow drifted driveway and on my way. I like driving on snow, but it felt odd...so I had to stop and inspect my tires. Tires are fine, but the road of Centerville is ice packed. Man O Man! I was trying to control my driving most of all and watching if I did slide at the stop sign at hwy. 97 or not. When I traveled down hwy. 97, its just wet and slushy. And I still drive carefully. I am still numb...can't really "feel" what will happen for the day. I was xpecting to see my Mother in tears, but she wasn't. She was writing the obit for the newspaper and I had heard the news of that she was suppose to call her brothers last night to tell the news and instead my Uncle found out the rough part that he passed on by the Veteran's home this morning. Its been all straightened out by the siblings, but it was a bit hair-raising is what I hear. I was still numb with the news upon arrival at the house. I said to Mother, when they 1st put him in there...and wasn't told about it...I made a bee line to find him and he was fine and alright...and the 2nd time I was there to be with my Mother...it was like, I knew he wasn't "there" anymore. He kept asking me "Who is this pretty girl is?" and we kept telling him I was his grand-daughter and all. And after that, I hadn't made any plans to see him with anyone after that. I thought he would last another yr. But as I look at it...it was saying "Good-bye" to him there, cuz I was no longer helping in taking care of him at home. I call up my cousin, Matthew, and leave a msg on his fone of the news. I call FTDA and he was sorry...I call Ron and got to talk to him for alittle bit...I needed it. I call up Thump...but didn't get to go deep in conversation about it...but wanted a hug or something from him, but it didn't look like he was coming up the hill after work. I didn't want to call anyone else at the time. I am all numb about it. Later in the afternoon, upon starting some chores and a batch of cookies...the loss is trying to settle in and I finish up on the cookies. G'Ma gets all worried that MaryAnne isn't back yet at 5pm and I am not too worried about it. I start up my car, anyways...for I know its frozen, yet again...and I would really love to have it half way warmed up when I do get into it. I did call up Mike and told him about it and told him I was reading some military papers...and was told that the Legion would do the stuff for him w/o the family having to fork out a dime. I am sure my g'parents set themselves up for something in death thing. My G'Father will be creamated and maybe do a funeral in spring time. When and if G'Mother passes on...their ashes will be combined and buried by my G'Mother Myrtle at Centerville Cemetary, my G'Father's 1st wife and my Mom's Mom. The family has been notified about his passing. I don't know how well my Sister took the news...when everyone at the Family Reunion this yr got to see him. I was glad to have that in my memories this yr. I need to locate the family member who took the Big Family portrait gathering at the Family Reunion. I would love to have that in my collection of pix...so I can remember that it was a grand rally of ppl of family. I have yet to have a good cry. I have yet to have a hug from anyone about it. I am going to take this hard, cuz I hate death. And cuz I had taken care of him for a year. May He finds his peace in the Summerlands. Currently listening : Confessions on a Dance Floor By Madonna Release date: 2005-11-15

Rated "R" Blog Current mood: forgotten Yup. I got to thinking today. And got to ramblin' inside my head, too. So I thought I should blog about it. Today was the official day of the Rag. I had bled Hard. And I don't usually bleed hard or have some hellacious cramps, neither or have them often, when I do have my Rag. It was a nice feeling to feel the pain of it. I usually don't bleed til like its 2 days from taking my b/c pill again. And I hate spotting...cuz I feel something is wrong with me. I mean, I am not the rip-roarin' Lucy-girl anymore...where I could get guys almost every wk to come and play with me. I feel I have been in a DEEP shell for a very long time. I want to have the active sex life again. And it seems the married ones are coming out of the wood work lately. I have no problem of relieving whatever those boys if they aren't getting some at home. I just get the "guff" from best friends saying why should I even consider it. I mean...I can't play with them or I can't play with a guy every wk or whatever the purpose or plan is and I am still called a fuckin' slut from my best friends. Sorry. That's what I am feeling from them and I have let it drop on the ground at my feet. I won't step on it, but damm...what the hell am I suppose to do? Turn into a Nun!??? I can't be player, cuz I am too REAL for that. I have decided to not be picky on who wants to play with me and whatever comes from it...everyone should all be happy. When it ends with the married ones...so be it. I have no problem with that. I RESPECT that! I don't see many of the single guys who want to get to know me or come to see me and play with me...just can't or won't. I am not going to go chasing anyone...aren't they suppose to be Chasing me? Wanting me? Interested in me? I have already wasted a part of my life with certain guys in my life and they didn't work out. I am still friends with them, but some are "distant" with me lately. So I have take that and stick in that back file and say..."Just wait awhile, again." Wow! Gone on a tangent, didn't I? Yeah, its been buggin' me. Its what I can get at the moment. And the last 2 times with the young married ones have been disappointments. I should have followed instincts on them, but I couldn't just get in there jump each other's bones like I could do back in the day. I need to talk and try to get comfortable. That's where I feel I am fucked up and hiding in a DEEP shell. Its when I offer to give a massage that gets me very comfortable with that person...and it is nice beginning. Its in working order to come out of the shell, but once naked and comfortable...everything is all fine. But then doubt myself afterwards...and thru-out the fucking days. And when I don't hear from them...I get so fuckin' paranoid that it was all me and I did something wrong. Then when I do hear from them...I realize I worried for nothing. I haven't had a lot of "good" happen in my life lately. So maybe this is why this is happening to me lately. I don't rightly know, but Gods, its Frustrating!!! I can't have the friends with benefits, cuz I will be called a whore or whatever. But when guys have friends with benefits...they are not called Dogs or Players...they just is...ya know? I know of some guys that were Dogs in their days. I can understand that...I was once a Whore. I can freely admit that now. But I don't want to be that now...I would love to have several guy friends with benefits and no drama, ya know? I remember in my Whore Days...that their were a few guys that fell in love with me. But I didn't love them back. I have only fallen in love, truly, deeply in love like 5 times in my life. And I have had to turn it away and move on and make what I could make at the time, my marriage worth it. Fight for it. And Hell...Look where it got me!?!? It hurts losing the ones I have fallen for and those very few that have kept in contact with me...haven't lately. So. I feel quite alone lately. And still have my doubts that Someone will just fall into my lap kind of thing. Its just kind of nice to kiss a guy and get a reaction out of them...its nice to have that feeling rise out of my heart and have that orgasmic feeling within me for a few days. And "jerkin' off" is just not quite workin' for me lately... I am Female. I am Woman. I don't come with a Rule Book, but I do come with Feelings! And I need to express my Feelings, sometimes. Can all or anyone know where I am coming from? Or understand what I am trying to Xpress here? I do hope so... Yes, a Very Rated "R" Blog. Currently listening : Details By Frou Frou Release date: 2002-08-13

Check, check, check check... out my melody Special You think you're special You do I can see it in your eyes I can see it when you laugh at me Look down on me You walk around on me Just one more fight About your leadership And I will straight up Leave your shit Cause I've had enough of this And now I'm pissed Yeah This time I'm 'a let it all come out This time I'm 'a stand up and shout I'm 'a do things my way It's my way My way, or the highway Check out, check check... out my melody Just one more fight About a lot of things And I will give up everything To be on my own again Free again Yeah This time I'm 'a let it all come out This time I'm 'a stand up and shout I'm 'a do things my way It's my way My way, or the highway Some day you'll see things my way Cause you never know Where, you never know Where you're gonna go Check out, check check... out my melody Just one more fight And I'll be history Yes I will straight up Leave your shit And you'll be the one who's left Missing me Yeah This time I'm 'a let it all come out This time I'm 'a stand up and shout I'm 'a do things my way It's my way My way, or the highway Some day you'll see things my way Cause you never know Where, you never know Where you're gonna go Check out, check check... out my melody

Current mood: bummed Okay, I haven't blogged in awhile. I had thought the dude that gave me the cell fone would the One and Only for me. And then after this past wkend, he was wanting me to make a decision to move to Vancouver immediately. I had cried on that Monday's conversation...twice! I thought that the love we shared was there and instead he wasn't willing to hear what I wanted in the relationship. I wanted to take it slow and he wanted to rush rush rush. I have been having funky dreams ever since that conversation. Then tonight's conversation was ever so going into the shit hole. I just basically dumped online and I had backbone thru out the whole conversation. He's telling me I have to grow up and compromise and when I asked for the same in return...he wasn't willing or wanting to do that. Then he turns around saying I didn't know how to kiss and shit. I mean, he kept trying to pull shit out of the hat of his to make me cry or whatever and I wasn't havin' none of it. He tells me his fone is working and proceeds to tell me that mine is turned the fuck off. HellsBells! I was sending him texts to him every day of the words he wanted to hear, but he wanted me there to cuddle up with every night. I wasn't about to move into a place that already has bad vibes to it and I wasn't about to become a room mate, neither. From what I heard of tonight's conversation, it was all poor me, poor me coming from him. He was not in reality of anything. And he had "wanted" to love me and put it in my lap that I don't let anyone in and I mess with guy's emotions. No. Not me. I like Karma alot and I am too honest for my own good. I like to be blunt about my emotions and crap. So it don't confuse anyone in the process. I have been single and not dating anyone in about a yr and half now. And I think I have a pretty good head on my shoulders on what I want in a relationship. An equal. And I had thought I had found him. But he made himself out to be all pretty on the outside, then I got to find out the ugly side of him. Its disgusting that no REAL MAN can step up to the plate on what it is truly is a relationship that needs to built up on a good plan and everything. I ask so little in what I want out of a relationship and I still get shit on. But I feel the consequences of this Asshole will spread vicious lies about what he thinks I am to his friends. I like Karma. And I don't need that kind of shit to come back to me. When I am very honest to everyone around me. I am very true to feelings in xpressing them. And here I go again...it gets all squashed into my face like a bad upside down pineapple cake. I only introduced this nut to my g'mother, my parents, and my best friend, Emily. I have been able to share with her about that physically. Now she will see the conversation in her email, too. I have shared this with friends online...here and everywhere. Cuz that's what y'all need to know. I thought for a MOMENT that he was the Right One. Now...*shakes head*...don't know what else to do. Am I that wrong to have any happiness? to have an equal in a relationship? to have anything sane happen in my life? Was I made wrong? Yes, another mechanic dude gone down the tubes. And now I have to tell the bad news to my parents. Gods! Anyway, I am beginning to really think into a love spell or something to find my One and Only... I swear I won't ever find that One and Only, anymore. Its getting me down each time I shed some light on my heart and it still gets tore up, anyway. My life sucks, but I am dealing with it. I believe my life would be better if I started over on the eastern side of washington state now. Its becoming more and more clearer. When that time comes...hopefully soon...I will make that step. This wkend, I am planning on going to the east of wa state for a wkend. There will be male strippers on Friday night. That's going to be fun. Saturday is up in the air, but if I do have a place to crash with a good friend of mine. I might not be rational. I have warned other friends for Sunday...that I need to make cookies for them to just to keep busy, instead of curlin' up in a ball and crying my eyes out. So warning to all...who I will be visiting...I may be saying, "Christ on a Stick!!!" thru-out the day/night this coming wkend. I am not Right in the Head, but doubt I will be back in the Right Mind again. So...that's my story and I am stickin' to it for the moment. Merry Part. PS. If you would like to SEE the conversation he broke it off with me...just msg me and I will share with thee. Currently listening : Evil Needs Candy Too By Ani Kyd Release date: 2005-07-26

Heard Metallica's newest song on 94.5 Kats FM this evening. I was impressed. It doesn't sound like the old stuff and it sounds rather new and VERY put together. I am hoping Lars and James have finally made good on the new album. When I had watched the DVD of them...the last time I watched something...and remember retaining that movie. ANYWAY! I remember they never finished in Alcatraz recording. It really sucked. That place has atmosphere and they couldn't become a "team" to create something good. :( It was sad. And now I have researced and found on Metallica.com(( http://www.metallica.com/index.asp?item=601119 )) the song you ought to listen to and try out. And see if your opinion is the same as mine or close their of. ..FONT size=+1> ..TR> Metallica The Day That Never Comes ..TABLE> I like the tune. Listening to it now on my ears. I enjoy the lyrics and music. And since the new guitarist that has stayed and played with them...I think, finally, Metallica has potential to stay together with their "team members". Hell! I may just be ramblin' on about nothing and everything. I am just impressed with the song and the snip-its I have heard of the new album. I look fwd to it. I wish I could go to the concert I hear that is appearing in Nov or some shit like that. Its been long time, since I have ever attended a good concert. Yes, Very Bad even for me. When I listen to quite a variety of tunes. I have fallen for new tune-age. These bands are Scarling, Toby Mac, Tait, Manafest, Pillar, Skillet and Thousand Foot Crutch. I have found these on my Pandora radio and now I have to find the few that might not be expensive at Hot Topic this wkend. Let's go splurgin'! HA! Only if I was that rich, again. A new one by ..TABLE> ..FONT size=+1> ..TR> Apocalyptica (w/ Adam Gontier) I Don't Care ..TABLE> Cool! Anyway. I just needed to share with everyone. :) ..P> Currently listening : Death Magnetic By Metallica Release date: By 2008-09-12

I just found a cool lounge...called World Rock Radio. Awesome DJ Mystic 777 she had played some awesome classic rock! And then, I had found out the right bands to the right songs. :) I felt like a duntz...but I got 'er done...and requested away... Go check it out, if you like that kind of tunes. :) Have a good blessed night!

would really like to have a hug. or possibly sleep by a warm body. have any sort of happiness in my life...