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From: carole
To: J-Rox
Date: Jul 13, 2009 8:16 PM
Subject: I dropped out of life................
This is the first time I've checked my email in 6 months. So I was not ignoring you. I didn't have any money to send you though.I'm super broke. I mailed you 3 letters and they came back. I sent landon a msg and he never responded...so I figured you didn't want to hear from me anyway unless I had money.
Good news....I have a terminal illness called Progressive Superneural Palsy. At first it looks like Parkinson's. but when the parkinson meds don't work....they do another MRI and plaque like substances can be seen on the film confirming PSP.
The doctor told me usually 6-8 years from when it first appeared. That is usually optimistic. The last years aren't pretty.
I hope I can figure out how to get the type of drugs your Aunt Peggy had 'cause suicide is painless.
I loved you very much but obviously never could do it right. I'm sorry I fucked up.
I hope I can be gone before my birthday.
I hope you find happiness.
My love,
mother
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: J-Rox (34430773)
To: carole (373892758)
Date: Jul 14, 2009 9:47 AM
Subject: RE: I dropped out of life................
...so I figured you didn't want to hear from me anyway unless I had money.
riiiight. the "money" thats always been your excuse or your means of bribing me. lets get this straight right now...I DO NOT WANT, NEED, OR CARE ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR MONEY. the message i sent was in desperation. the first, i might add, ive sent to you in about 5-6 years even asking for help. forget i ever wrote it. i regreted it as soon as i sent it.
its letters such as this that made me cut you out of my life in the first place. yes, i did ask landon to contact you while i was in jail. it wasnt for money, dummy!! i only wanted you to write to me, and possibly help me with some legal advice. as i recall, you are knowledgeable on law type stuff. no worries tho. ive got it handled. i have a great attorney (thank god) whom advised me to fight the charges against me.
carole
7/29/2009 7:59 PM
Hey,
I have been thinking about you lots lately. I don't know what happened to our communications. We were doing fine until I opened my big mouth to Dennis. As soon as I did it I kicked myself.
When you sent me the reply stating your feelings about having anything to do with him and your very understandable reasons why I thought I replied 100% supportively.
Then you got arrested and Kerri called or wrote me.....and then we lost touch for awhile. I didn't hear from you or you from me until Landon contacted me.
I'm really sorry if somehow you have misunderstood me. I think it is strange to be having any bad feelings about money. I have never cared about money. I never tried to control you with material things. If I had it you know I would have sent it.
I was just trying to tell you that I wasn't ignoring you. I sent Landon emails telling him to let you know I was thinking of you. I wrote three letters to the jail and all three were returned. I meant to say I didn't want you to think I was trying to stick my nose in your business...and WTF happened that money came up was a misunderstanding.
I am very sick right now. It is my wish and hope that we can get all the shit out from under the carpet. I know I was a lousy mother to you. For that I am very sorry. I could list a million reasons why....but why bother. I would rather have YOU tell me how many ways I hurt you. then maybe we can put the past to bed..I already have my own long list. I can't change the past but I can acknowledge it.
I did not know how nor do I kow how to show love or affection. But I do love you. Do you think we can try and work through the issues? My compelling reasons are I don't want to die and leave you without some closure.
Leaving our relationship like an open wound or trying to cut me out of your life is not how I want to leave you. You deserve to be happy. I want to do what I can to add happy to your life rather than hurt feelings and bitterness.
I'm sorry about the money....since I bought this townhouse I live on a tight budget. In FL your grandmother was paying some of the expenses so I always had some $$s to sock away. I never would have made it at first without your help when Joe cut me off. You were never money hungry....you are generous and unselfish. Can't say the same about your sister, though.
She asked me for money too. She moved to Philly and is now stuck there with no job. I told her the same as I told you.....and she sent me a long ass email describing what a selfish shit I was. I kinda' laffed at her. I have helped Teresa a lot...and she walked out on us when we needed money.
Anyways...I love you, sweet baby. I'm sorry I couldn't be the mother you needed.
My love,
mother
J-Rox
8/10/2009 3:12 AM
Dear Mother,
For the past, over a week now, ive had the last letter you wrote, and what i should reply to you, taking up valuable space in my mind. ive been racking my brain trying to come up with something positive, nonspiteful, and honest. i have no intentions of disrespecting you, trying to make you feel bad, or guilty about the past. i decided to take your letter to me line by line and reply that way. you know im not the greatest at writing so, here it goes...
YOU: I don't know what happened to our communications. We were doing fine until I opened my big mouth to Dennis. As soon as I did it I kicked myself.
ME: What happened to our communications has to do with a ton of issues i have; none of them having to do with anything about your big mouth or dennis. i honestly never gave it more than a second thought. please quit assuming im somehow mad at you.. i end up feeling guilty for making you feel guilty. i ,for one, am tired of feeling guilty. it doesnt make for a good mood.
YOU: When you sent me the reply stating your feelings about having anything to do with him and your very understandable reasons why I thought I replied 100% supportively
ME: yanno, i cant even remember the reply you sent. that was a topic that had been bothering me, and you were the only person i felt even semi comfy writing to about it. im not looking for your support mother, just needed to get it off my chest.
YOU: Then you got arrested and Kerri called or wrote me.....and then we lost touch for awhile. I didn't hear from you or you from me until Landon contacted me.
ME: kerri who? listen mother, my reasons for not contacting you have nothing to do with bad feelings, or anger twards you. i asked landon to contact you for legal advice, nothing more. if there was any talk of money, it was not my doing.
YOU: I'm really sorry if somehow you have misunderstood me. I think it is strange to be having any bad feelings about money. I have never cared about money. I never tried to control you with material things. If I had it you know I would have sent it.
ME: mother...i love you, but you are in denial about this. i feel you tried to control me with any and every means you could. im actually glad you didnt have the money to give, because i regretted even asking. i am an adult, and therefore not your responsibility. it has been good for me these last 6 or so yrs. i needed to really separate myself from you. im sorry as well...it has been painful for us both. no pain no gain, right?
YOU: I was just trying to tell you that I wasn't ignoring you. I sent Landon emails telling him to let you know I was thinking of you. I wrote three letters to the jail and all three were returned. I meant to say I didn't want you to think I was trying to stick my nose in your business...and WTF happened that money came up was a misunderstanding.
ME: i wasnt ignoring you either. just had a lot going on. i too am sorry for any misunderstanding :)
YOU: I am very sick right now. It is my wish and hope that we can get all the shit out from under the carpet. I know I was a lousy mother to you. For that I am very sorry. I could list a million reasons why....but why bother. I would rather have YOU tell me how many ways I hurt you. then maybe we can put the past to bed..I already have my own long list. I can't change the past but I can acknowledge it.
ME: it makes me sad that you are sick, mother. im not sure if you need it, but if you did, i would not think twice about helping you, taking care of you or anything else you needed. i hope you know in your heart that i am sincere. i wont write any list of ways ive been hurt by you. im very happy that you are willing, and possibly now finally ready to acknowledge all the hurt. by you telling ME the ways you feel you have hurt me will be acknowledgement in itself so, yeah...id like to see your long list. mother, i want nothing more than to forgive you!! you know im not one to harbor bad feelings and resentments, but my (adult)life-long struggle to forgive you has mostly been in vain. it has, by my own fault, held me back mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
a good thing about you wanting to acknowledge, and take ownership of the past is that maybe, i hope you will finally be able to forgive yourself. so, if you are serious, i need you to reach deep down, and be more real with me than you ever have before. im asking for complete honesty. will you do that for me?
YOU: I did not know how nor do I kow how to show love or affection. But I do love you. Do you think we can try and work through the issues? My compelling reasons are I don't want to die and leave you without some closure.
ME: i love you as well :) no, i do not "think we can try". i KNOW we can work it all out :)
YOU: Leaving our relationship like an open wound or trying to cut me out of your life is not how I want to leave you. You deserve to be happy. I want to do what I can to add happy to your life rather than hurt feelings and bitterness.
ME: i feel the same :)
YOU: I'm sorry about the money....since I bought this townhouse I live on a tight budget. In FL your grandmother was paying some of the expenses so I always had some $$s to sock away. I never would have made it at first without your help when Joe cut me off. You were never money hungry....you are generous and unselfish. Can't say the same about your sister, though.
ME: money again...hmmm? dont worry about it, plz. im doing ok with a lot of help from landon. he has been so good to me. i wish i was able to give you more financial help & support than i have been able to...im sorry for failing so badly with my finance type stuff.
YOU: She asked me for money too. She moved to Philly and is now stuck there with no job. I told her the same as I told you.....and she sent me a long ass email describing what a selfish shit I was. I kinda' laffed at her. I have helped Teresa a lot...and she walked out on us when we needed money.
ME: teresa...no comment.
YOU: Anyways...I love you, sweet baby. I'm sorry I couldn't be the mother you needed.
My love,
mother
ME: i love you, mother. im sorry i never lived up to your expectations as a daughter.
love,
julia
carolecarole campbell
11/9/2009 7:21 PM
i'm sorry i have been out of touch but my illness is not just parkinson's but also progressive supranuclear palsy which is terminal. hospice is already coming every day. i'm stuck in bed.
i read your email.....and will reply the next really good day i have. this is the first time i checked my email in months. i'm sorry i didn't write you on your birthday but i was thinking of you.
i love you, sweet baby,
mother
J-Rox
11/10/2009 2:44 PM
you need help. when should we start planning my arrival? i dont believe you are getting the level of care that you need & deserve. i just read up on this psp stuff & there is hope, mother!!! you need a little injection of positive thinking :) if no hope for a cure, than at least hope for living the rest of your days comfortably as possible. we can learn together how to make the best of your "good" moments as to lessen, a bit the trauma of "bad" moments.
point blank, you are getting to the point of needing 24/7 care/comfort/company etc... i just happen to be the perfect person. plus i have experience. for 6mnths i was an in home caregiver for my neighbors son. 17yrs old, cerebral palsy, needed help doing everything. i was scared at first, but come to find out, i am a lot more nurturing than i gave myself credit for, and i actually found the work fulfilling.
Lets make plans soon plz. i need, for my own piece of mind, to at least come visit for a couple few weeks. make sure my momma is in good hands. we can play it by ear. no pressure on the staying or leaving, just lets focus on a visit. ok?
Landon has agreed to help me with travel costs, so just say the word. he is very supportive. i am so blessed. i told him that i felt, in my heart that you need me, and he said, 'well then, go!'
im sure its not easy for you to read this, and if you'd rather me call you than correspond by email, send me your # again plz :) oh and your address.ily :)
carolecarole campbell
11/20/2009 11:27 PM
Thank you, thank you, my sweet baby. I have Linda (your Uncle Bill's ex-wife), Lizzy Withrow (from Boca) and Donald and his wife Enid who are all taking turns visiting and taking me to my dr apts.
Plus the hospice women treat me as a potential recovery and not a soon to be dead patient. That helps mentally.
I WANT you to come visit. I have an AA credit card. I've never used it so I don;t know if it is any good or not.
Let's shoot for after the holidays. I'm getting Botox injections for my dystonia on 1/07/10 so I should be at a good place.
I'm getting care from Emory Neurological. They are ranked #15 in the country. So I have confidence in my doctors. I just have the most fucked up case. Just my luck - great genes.
I have big problems with falling down and getting up...but I wear my cell around my neck so I can call 911.
The docs tried to push levodopa beyond the max for me which really was a disaster. So I stopped the meds for 2 weeks....and then started again. I just reached max again a few days ago.
So you are right....I'm at a bad point because I can't wander too far from bed. But I think in a couple of months I will be able to go out again.
But time is not my friend so with what is left I want not to waste on old wounds and hurt feelings. I want only happiness with those I lve and who love me.
I'll give you my cell# but I'm really hard to understand. My voice will be gone in months......good news....I can't even yell anymore.
I do not want you to sacrifice 24/7 for me until I die. Coming to visit once in awhile would be the best medicine. I know you love me.....I've always known that, silly girl.
Well got to go because I have dystonia in my neck so I can only keyboard for a short while. My number is 678-918-0326. Due to my mangled left hand I usually can't answer it. But I call back. I have Verizon.
More than love,
your shaky momma
carolecarole campbell
11/23/2009 1:29 AM
Got a shrt email from Chrissy
She told me about Jim's death. I have been crying non stop. I guess being terminally ill has its advantages. It won't be long until I see the people I love again.
moe than love,
your momma
carolecarole campbell
11/23/2009 5:21 PM
I'm soooooooooooooo sad. I am soooooooooooo alone. I don't have the $$ for 24/7 care.
Life sux
J-Rox
11/24/2009 6:25 PM
oh mother, come on! in your last email...you said you were taken care of. i told landon to buy me a bus ticket for after the new year. IF YOU NEED HELP NOW JUST SAY SO. i can help. right now i have nothing keeping me here except my dog and my, (surprise!) new fiance , Landon. we can work out for me to be there asafp. i cant call long distance and LR broke his phone, but as soon as its fixed i will call you. really, mother...you need help, and company...i can do that. so...let me know. what is the closest main city to you? i was trying to get a greyhound ticket, but it doesnt go to canton, ga. reply soon plz :)
much love
carolecarole campbell
11/25/2009 12:05 PM
i wasn't lying. hearing about jim's death has made me so sad. i just talked to chrissy and she wants to visit while you're here. it's up to you. whatever you decide is fine by me. i don't need any extra help right now but there will come a day when i will. we can discuss that when u r here.
plus yesterday i fell down. falling down for me is like putting a turtle on its back. i finally after 8 hrs got to my cell phone and called 911. it is so humiliating. so i was in a self pity mode yesterday.
happy, happy engagement. i read it on landon's page. i'm really happy for you, sweet baby. i truly mean that. offer landon my congrats for getting so lucky.
please try and be patient with me......since your aunt peggy died i've come to hate the holidays.
i will look up the greyhound situation. you just relax and enjoy your holidays....god knows you deserve them.
luff,
your momma
carolecarole campbell
12/13/2009 7:39 PM
As you prolly already know I've been talking to Chrissy. She gave me your telephone number and told me to CALL you. Is that OK with you?
I've been so sad about Jim's death. You know I was in contact with him and seeing im. What no one knew is we were making plans to get back together. We emailed each other in Dec, 01, or our birthdays and xmas and new years. Then in January I waited and waited because we were supposed to be meeting in PA. I never received another email from him. I thought maybe he was having troubles with his live in GF...so I left him alone til March.
When I tried to contact him in March....his email was gone, his phones disconnected. I assumed he had changed his mind and was dumping me. So for all those years I vacillated between 'what a schmuck' and crying.
Since I found out he died in Jan, 02, in his sleep I miss him so much. I hopeI do see him again in the next life. He died exactly one year after your poppa died in my arms.
I was happy to hear from Chrissy, tho'. I feel sorry she lost her dad like that. I hope I can be of some comfort to her because her mother is a stupid asshole.
I'm writing a letter to Uncle Jay to see if he will send me the money I need to finish my house. I'm stuck upstairs because I need a stair lifter. I also need some money to finish the kitchen. Your grandmother is finally broke. Joe embezzled and lost every penny. Big surprise. I talked to Joanne and she was telling me all the lies he told her and lies he told Alex. I said,sarcastically, "NOOOOooooo." She laffed. She is remarried! She seems so happy. I'm happy for her as she was treated like shit by your Uncle Tom. She deserves to be happy.
OKay, sweet baby, let me know when is a good time to call you....be prepared I'm hard to understand,,,I'm losing my voice.
More than love,
your momma
I am so happy you and Landon are engaged. He is a lucky guy!!
J-Rox12/14/2009 7:09 AM
yes feel free to call. im not able to phone long distance at the moment. im not a huge fan of answering the phone so, whenever you do call...leave a message, then call back 10 or so mins later. im not really working right now so, anytime. LR leaves for work around now every week day morning, and im usually up to see him off. your b-day is tomorrow...call me then if you want, or whenever you get this. srry i never replied to the last one, but i was in the middle of a long reply, and i refreshed the screen by accident, and poof! the whole thing wz gone. so. i just never got back around to it.
im sorry youre so upset about jim. yes, i knew you guys were in contact, and that you loved him very much. for me, he wz the closest thing i ever had to a father figure in my life, and i will always remember him fondly for that. i hope you like the picture i made in his memory. i made it right after i found out from micheal. i feel the worst for him. chrissy seems to be doing better than he. we've spoken several times, and i just love her so much! yanno i always did. she feels like more of a sister than my real sister. although i wz confused and angry as a child, jim and his children touched my life in many positive ways. as they continue to do so.
as for our, "family"...honestly im not interested in any negative talk. ive already been disowned by most of them just because im your daughter. grandmother wont accept or return my calls, and uncle joe, and bill wont even acknowledge me at all. i could really care less about the money and the drama. to me its sad how you all are towards each other over it. the only thing i want is to share my love, and show them what a good and positive person i am as an adult. im still working on gaining trust from them, so i would appreciate it if my name was left out of anything negative.
heres my # again in case chrissy didnt give it right; --- --- ----
i love you
carolecarole campbell
12/20/2009 4:52 AM
I DONT NEED ANYBODY PASSING JUDGMENT, OR PUTTING ME DOWN!!! its a freakin daily struggle to keep my head up as it is.
ive already been disowned by most of them just because im your daughter. grandmother wont accept or return my calls, and uncle joe, and bill wont even acknowledge me at all.
BULLSHIT
YOUR GRANDMOTHER HAS AN UNLISTED NUMBER.SO A SLIGHT EXAGGERATION ON YOUR PART. EXACTLY HOW MANY CARDS, LETTERS, CALLS AND VISITS TO SAN ANGELO TO SEE YOUR GRANDMOTHER HAVE YOU ATTEMPTED SINCE RETURNING TO TX.
<0 ZERO>
YOUR GRANDMOTHER ISN'T SPEAKING TO HER FRIEND OF 82 YEARS. I GUESS THAT'S MY FAULT TOO.
SINCE WHEN HAVE YOU BEEN SO DESIROUS OF A RELATIONSHIP WITH BILL?FROM THE TIME WE MOVED TO PRINCETON UNTIL I MOVED TO FL I MADE EXTRAORDINARY EFFORTS IN FURTHERING FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS. I RECALL QUITE CLEARLY A LACK OF ENTHUSIASM AND COOPERATION ON YOU AND TERESA'S PART.
JOE IS A JOKE. YOU HAVEN'T SAID 'BOO' TO JOE SINCE UTAH.
I'm dying of a particularly painful terminal illness. I will say and do what i please. I'm not taking marching orders from anyone.
I was looking forward to talking to you on the phone but I'm sick of all the blame bullshit. You are the judgmental person. When are you going to accept your share of the blame?
Capisce?
PS Your grandmother doesn't answer the phone unless it is Uncle Jay
J-Rox
12/20/2009 7:10 PM
blah. hmmm...anger? defensive a bit? guilty conscience perhaps? hate it for you.
im interested now. thats what counts.
i recall asking for contact info to ANYONE in our family. well...i figured it out myself.
such extraordinary effort and check out the results! fail.
i wasnt judging you, although very likely for you to throw back a past email in my face. i was merely saying i wasnt interested in any negative talk.
thats all you want to do is talk negative...?? jeez.
carolecarole campbell
12/25/2009 7:37 PM
whatever..............same ole same ole.... your emails are like scratched CDs. and you possess the writing skills of a hick redneck from tx. everyone jump through hoops because her royal highness, julia, is interested NOW. and that's what counts...her royal wishes. FU.
all you want to do is blame anyone but yourself for your shortcomings and failures. take some responsibility for god's sake. you're 32 years old. i'm not interested in your negative blame talk and constant insults and sarcasm.
i remember you wanting your grandmother's telephone number in order to call her asking to buy you a car. after years of zero contact and no interest in contact i thought that was a bit low class and insulting to your grandmother. i said 'no' then and i would say no again. if you wanted to see your grandmother so badly san angelo is an easy 5 hour drive from dallas and uncle jay's numbers are listed.
you lived about 6 years 5 minutes from bill & therese. i even went miles out of,my way to take you to nh to visit them. you did not keep in contact......so that's my fault huh!
don't even mention joe.......i hate the sob and i'm going to make his life miserable. but talk to your cousin alex....she is more negative than i because she discovered the hard way what a liar no good he is.
and you....the person that disappears until she needs you or wants something from you. the words 'thank you' are missing from your vocabulary.
after you left fl i met women who were customers of coral's that filled my ears with the things you told them about your mother. many of them felt sorry for me to have a daughter like you. some of them were surprised i was a non drinker...given you were fired because of your drinking. and there were those that thought you were just low class and ignorant.
i unconditionally love you so it's easy for me to forgive you. but now i have little time to live and it ain't going to be taking you or your sister's shit. neither of you can shine my shoes. i was smarter, more mature, more responsible, harder working and the list goes on when i was your age.
so bat your eyelashes with that fake innocence look. put on that sweet innocence act for those that are merely acquaintances. i know the real you.....and a big part is pretty ugly.
and last but not least..both times you went to jail someone called me to ask for money to bail you out. landon did NOT ask me ONE LEGAL QUESTION. SO SOMEONE IS NOT TELLING THE TRUTH. Truth be known in my opinion landon was obligated to you as he was the one driving DUI. so i have no feelings of pretense that he was the 'knight in shining armor' riding to the rescue of the damsel in distress. he posts on his my space that he earns >$100K....but you have no cell phone to call your mother who is dying. what is wrong with THAT picture?
so post your sarcastic remarks and insults about me on your myspace page. send me your snide emails. blame me for your shortcomings.......and you will continue your pattern of being a life loser. you have lots of potential..but potential is bullshit until it is realized.
don't worry i have no unreal expectations that you or your sister will be of any comfort to me in the months remaining in my life. i take the blame for raising self centered,egoist, self absorbed, vacuous, selfish, vindictive people.......maybe if i REALLY HAD BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU THE RESULTS WOULD HAVE BEEN FAR BETTER.
your grandmother is not speaking to anyone. if you want to write her; teresa s campbell, 4129 village east circle, san angelo, tx 76904 325-942-5711. she will hear your msgs because she sits by the machine triaging the calls. making a trip to san angelo to visit her before she dies would be the ideal...too high an expectation for you.
in closing i don't want a reply full of shit as i've had enough of your shit. if you can't be supportive, sensitive to my feelings, mature,loving and respectful then don't reply. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. in that case i will say my good-byes now. i will just have to accept the fact that you and teresa are my two biggest failures in life.
it was nice to hear from crissy telling me how good i was to her. what a good friend and supportive mother figure that helped her during the most difficult time in her life. she was so happy her dad and i were seeing each other before he died. she is praying that he and i meet up and spend eternity together. she doesn't remember me being abusive to any of you....especially teresa. i spent 3 years in bed in princeton........sick. she remembers how much i did for all of you. a witness to the truth has appeared.
UNFORTUNATELY FOR ME,
YOUR MOTHER
ps you never asked for ANY family contacts except your grandmother's in order to fleece her out of a car. really refined.....treat your grandmother like your lap dance customer at your titty bars......no way.
carolecarole campbell
12/26/2009 4:11 AM
AFTER FINSHING YOUR LAST EMAIL I CALLED SAN ANGELO TO WISH EVERYONE MERRY XMAS.
I SPOKE TO EVERYONE INCLUDING A RATHER COOL CONVO WITH THE STRANGE AND COMPLETELY ODD BILL AND THERESE.
SO GUESS YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO BLAME AS TO WHY THEY DON'T DESIRE TO TALK TO YOU.
MAYBE IT IS YOU. WHAT AN OUTLANDISH THOUGHT.
KEEP THOSE CARDS AND LETTERS COMING.
J-Rox
12/26/2009 7:11 AM
To: carole
merry christmas to you too mother
