Darling Nikki Nikki Knight Keeper of the's blog: "Get Inside"

Wow, this is the first blog in a long time that hasn't been in the form of lyrics that I've written. Today I'm mad. At myself. Basically, I've been having a little girl tantrum because I felt I haven't been getting the attention I wanted from the person I wanted it from, and I acted like a jerk. Insecurity's got the best of me (wait, I think those are part of some new lyrics I'm working on), and I'm acting stupid. Someone who means a whole lot to me is seeing a very ugly side of me for no sensible reason whatsoever. Have you ever been so frustrated trying to get close to someone and in the process you actually cause the reverse to happen and you drive them away? That's where I'm going. The place I never wanted to go. I am trying to put things in perspective because I feel like I am acting childish and insecure. Part of me is, I guess. I don't want to be that girl, and it is not at all part of the woman that I am today. Even at my age, I'm so torn sometimes about who I am and why. For the most part I am strong, independent, cautious, guarded. I take my time letting others inside. Just every now and then, I find someone who I am so drawn to, that I just long for them to really know me, and to like me, and to see through that guarded exterior to see all the good in me. Sometimes I just want to be weak for awhile. To feel safe with someone that I trust (and who trusts me) and let my guard down for a bit. So I let my guard down and no, I didn't get hurt, if that's what you thought I would say. I got needy, greedy and selfish. I took it personally when the other person didn't open up the same way. I felt hurt and felt that I wasn't trusted. I pushed when I shouldn't have pushed. I expected more than I should have expected. And I didn't listen to what was really being said. So I feel I have created more distance between me and this person. I'm mad at myself for that! Now just how do I undo all that and start fresh again without any weirdness? I overanalyze things, for sure. Think things to death. This is why I'm me. And Lord help anyone who takes the time and patience to know me!