38953's blog: "JUST FOR FUN"

A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads: The End is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now Before it's Too Late! As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. The priest turns to the pastor and asks , "Do you think the sign should just say: 'Bridge Out'?"

************************* Love is grand ! Divorce is a hundred grand. ************************* I am in shape. Round is a shape. ************************* Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. *************************** Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good. ***************** ********** Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. *************************** Even if you are on the right track, You'll get run over if you just sit there. *************************** Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. *************************** An optimist thinks this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears this is true. ************************** There will always be death and taxes; However, death doesn't get worse every year. *************************** In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. *************************** I am a nutritional overachiever. NOT.... lol *************************** I plan on living forever. So far, so good. *************************** Practice safe eating -- always use condiments. *************************** A day without sunshine is like night. *************************** It's frustrating when you know all the answers, But nobody bothers to ask you the questions. *************************** The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. *************************** Brain cells come and brain cells go, But fat cells live forever. *************************** Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes it comes alone. *************************** Life not only begins at forty, It also begins to show. ******************* ******* I smile because I am your friend! I laugh because there is nothing you can do about it.

Around the time Clinton and Monica were making the news a young girl ... ask her mom ... "Can I ask you a question" Mom says "Sure honey" ... ask anything Her daughter replies "it's about sex" Mom replies "sure anything" ... thinking it's about Bill and Monica "Can you get pregnant having anal sex"? A bit surprized ... Mom replies ..."Certainly ... where do you think politicians and lawyers come from"????

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye that Reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES Thinking it was a figment of his imagination, he drives on and soon he sees another sign SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly, he begins to realize the signs are for real... He passes a third sign, saying SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot, is a stone building with a small Sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS He climbs the steps, and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long, black habit, who asks, " What may we do for you, my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in doing business." " Very well, my son.... Please follow me. " The man is led through a winding passage, and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does, and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup, answers the door... "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway." He puts $100 in the cup, and trots eagerly down the hall. He slips through the door, and finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another sign GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS.... SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their divercity. "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees." The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads, "No." After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."

FROM MY E-mail AUTHOR UNKNOWN Cancel your Credit Cards before you die!! This is a good one! So easy to see this happening, customer service being what it is today. A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank: Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January." Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply." Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections." "Since it is two months past due, it already has been." Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?" Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!" Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" Bank: "Excuse me?" Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?" Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." Supervisor gets on the phone: Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January." Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply." Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?" Bank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?" Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given) Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?" Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given) After they get the fax: Bank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help." Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you just keep billing her. I don't think she will care." Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do st ill apply." Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?" Bank: "That might help." Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69." Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!" Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

FROM MY E-mail .. AUTHOR UNKNOWN SWEETNESS OF MARRIED LIFE...... A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." "Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands ! from 12 different countries: Germany,Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses... " He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches. "But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?" and...they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story? --