NiZhOnI's blog: "just a thought......."

my friends is a small circle......... and very precious to me..... like a jewel that has been given to me with extreme care.... and trust........ i hold on to'em like i have been trusted to... there are bad days but the small circle of friends that i have can take my bad day and turn it good...... i love them so very much..... that i miss my other friends back at home........... my small circle of friends are very unique... to me........ i choose them very wisely as well......my friendship is very fragile and has to be handled with care..........otherwise it is broken......... friends to me are like a a childhood that i have never had..... just thinking about how much laughter that i get out of it.... i laugh as well.....they help me when im in need.....that is mostly mentally......... they like it when i make them laugh and when my ass gets on redbull....... ohhh damn.... never have more then one great can of redbull.......... its reall sleep fucker-upper.... my friends are a very special chapter in my book of life......... every moment is a new word/ sentence/ paragraph/ page/ chapter......and of course a new book....... love/ laughter/ fun/ daring temptations/ great times.......are all in that small circle of friends that i have accumulated..... very wisely......... friends are like jewels.. friends are lasting memories......... friends are there to help no matter what....... friends are my friends..... freinds feel your pain and sorrow...... but they lend a shoulder to cry on........ a real friend would never let you hang out to dry......... my friends are my friends.......... my friends are forever......

I THINK ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME... I THINK ABOUT ALL THE LAUGHS THAT WE HAVE... HEARING YOU LAUGH THOUGH MAKES ME HAPPY.... BECAUSE ITS TELLS ME THAT YOU ENJOY BEING WITH ME...... I WANNA BE WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU MAKE IT FEEL AS THOUGH THE WORLD HAS STOPPED SPINNING JUST SO THAT I CAN HAVE MORE TIME WITH YOU..... HOLD YOU ALITTLE LONGER... BEFORE YOU LEAVE FOR THE DAY.... IM SORRY FOR ALL THE THINGS I HAVE MADE YOU WONDER ABOUT WHEN YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN HAVE TO WONDER.... BECAUSE YOU SHOULD KNOW... BECAUSE I HAVE NOT EVER LET YOU KNOW... I HAVE NOT OPEN MYSELF COMPLETELY TO YOU... IM SORRY FOR HOW YOU FEEL... YOU SHOULD FEEL HAPPY AND LOVED.. WHEN I HAVE NOT SHOWED YOU THE LOVE THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE...... AND THE HAPPINESS THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE..... TO TELL YOU THAT I WILL NEVER HURT YOU... NEVER CHEAT ON YOU... WON'T LIE TO YOU... WILL TELL YOU WHAT IT IS THAT YOU WANT TO KNOW.... I CAN TRY MY BEST TO ANSWER THE QUESTIONS THAT YOU HAVE.... I KNOW THAT I CAN'T SAY THAT I LOVE YOU IN WORDS BUT I CAN SHOW YOU THAT I DO...... THAT I LOVE YOU BECAUSE.... YOU SAY WORDS TO ME THAT I NEVER THOUGHT THAT I WOULD NEVER HEAR FROM A GUY SPECIFICALLY THE ONE THAT IM WITH...... THE WAY YOU LOOK AT ME AND TELL ME IN YOUR WAY THAT IM VERY PRETTY....HOW YOU CARESS MY FACE WHILE YOU KISS ME... THAT YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO PRETEND TO BE SOMEONE ELSE..... TO BE WITH ME, THAT YOU CAME TO ME WITH YOUR REAL SELF.... THAT YOU SHOWED ME HOW LOVE COULD FEEL LIKE..... THE FEELING OF BEING WANTED, NEEDED, AND LOVED.... WHEN I THOUGHT THAT I COULD NEVER HAVE A GUY LIKE YOU THAT WOULD WANT ME FOR ME... AND THAT WILL SEE PASS MY FLAWS.....THAT WILL LAUGH AT MY MISTAKES.....THAT CAN MAKE ME FEEL AS I DO NOW.....WHEN I SEE YOU THINGS AROUND YOU FADE TO WHERE YOUR THE ONLY ONE THAT IM SEEING...... ALL IN ALL I JUST WANNA LET YOU KNOW THAT THIS MY WAY OF SHOWING MY LOVE FOR YOU.....

i remember the walk that i use take.. just to feel free... before i get home.... one step after the other... on the dirt path towards grandma's sheep camp... yeah thats what we called it we still do... smelling the air as it fills my lungs with nice cool air..... feeling the hot afternoon sun hittng your face and listing to the bugs that are making those funny noises.... as i feel the tiredness.... passing the trees... then i think to myself im gonna sit and rest for awhile.... then i know you don't wanna go anywhere as i look out towards the land and let you mind.... spirit... body free... as i look at the sky you can see the crows fly........ every once in awhile i can see the clouds...... they appear and then they disappear... then i feel thirsty as i screw off the cap to the watter bottle that i have brought i take adrink and pour some in my hands for my dog to drink.... after like 10 mintues i get up feeling rested i walk again... once in awhile you see jack rabbits as they scatter from fright...... as i get closer i see that my mom has beat me to my aunts house..... as i look alittle closer i can see that they are cooking mutton outside...i hear my mom... making tortilla of the grill..... i know because i can hear the clapping noise...... i finally get there and my aunt asks me how was your walk.... i say that there is nothing better then taking a walk to replenish your thoughts...... thats what i get from my walks........ no one there to intterupt.... all you hears is just............. .........NATURE.....THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING.....

i can remember how i was in high school very.....quiet.... very emoish....kept to myself...and only chose who was to befriend and who was to forgot..... i never like anyone in high school....not even myself......i am very weird in a way but i had friends....and no i didn't hurt little animals for fun.....i befriended nature as well.....i treated nature as if it were a human being.....i was never cruel....but i hated everyone else that couldn't understand me......i have befriend the weird people but later found out that they were the key to whole alot of other things i thoughtthat was very cool.....they help me on alot of things and supported me with a whole lot of things in return i just befriended them......they were the ones that understood me when noone else did.......... my grandmother understood me and very much taught me alot....she knew that i had a gift, a gift so great that i was the only one in my family that was treated like a freak.....and i still am treated like freak for the gift that i have....

I HAVE HAD ALOT OF QUESTIONS ABOUT WHAT WE ARE GOING THROUGH THAT.... IF YOU REALLY DO MEAN WHAT YOU SAY...... THAT YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME..... I HEAR THE WORDS...... THOUGH ITS HARD FOR ME TO SAY... I HAVE SAID IT BEFORE BUT I WANNA SAY IT WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT........ WHEN I FEEL THAT I CAN SAY IT....... YOU ASKED ME TO DEFINE LOVE FOR YOU...... I CAN TRY TO DEFINE LOVE..... BUT THERE ARE SO MANY WAYS TO DEFINE IT...... LOVE.... TO ME IS TIME STOPPING IN ITS PLACE AND THAT YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE THAT I SEE AS EVERYTHING FADES AROUND YOU..... LOVING IT WHEN YOU SMILE AND KNOWING THE YOU ARE HAPPY...... ENJOYING THE TIME THAT WE SPEND TOGETHER.... KNOWING THAT YOU ARE HERE WITH ME MAKING ME FEEL LIKE I CAN NEVER LET YOU GO... HAVING THE FEELING OF MISSING YOU JUST FOR A DAY SUCKS.... I LOVE HAVING YOU AROUND..... JUST KNOWING THAT YOU ARE HERE.... TO BE WITH ME... I LOVE IT WHEN YOU TAKE ME TO PLACES THAT I HAVE NEVER BEEN... THE TIME THAT YOU TOOK ME TO SEE THE WHOLE TOWN... IT IS BEAUTIFUL.... IT TOOK MY BREATH AWAY..... THE WAY THAT YOUR WINDOWS FOGGED BECAUSE.... MY HAIR WAS DAMP.... WHEN WE PLAYED POOL... THE LITTLE THINGS THAT YOU ADMIRE... THE LITTLE THINGS THAT YOU SAY... TO ME... I LOVE IT ALL....... I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU... HOW GOOD YOU ARE TO ME... THAT IS MY DEFINITION OF LOVE....

my world is my world.... it can be mean sometimes.. but mostly it is very nice........peace, quietness... so quiet that you can hear the thoughts of others.... so peaceful that even the deadliest animal, reptile, and any other creature in the world can not hurt a fly........ my world is my world........ i can imagine whatever i want........ my imagination can go beyond the world itself..... the clear night sky is a whole new galaxy...... of life... the cool wind blowing in my hair replenishes my thoughts...... concentrating...... thinking......... figuriing out my life ahead......... feeling what it is that i have longed for......... but not knowing what it is....... hearing the night creatures out and about...... searching for its prey........ hearing the prey run for dear life........ sometimes they are lucky and sometimes they are unlucky... life is both cruel and nice... because that is how the world is...

mother's home is the place that i would like to be if the world ended.......... the place that i would like to see if i was dying... take my walk upon mother earth..... feeling her spirit flow through me....... like an enchanting spell............ relplenishing my soul.... mind.... spirit..... giving me energy to succed in life........ feeling every life that is there....... amongst human, animal, and plant.... lying on the ground smelling the cleansed air of sage brush.....and juniper......... looking at the sky watching the clouds dance by..... ever so slowly..... as the smell of wet dirt....... blows in my face... feeling the cool wind upon it....... while looking out toward the southwest.... of the horizon..... seeing the orange/yellow/pink horizon.... reminding me of pineapple/orange juice...... with alittle bit of cherry in it............... standing there at the edge of the mesa......... looking around thinking that this is the best place in the world.......... seeing monument valley....... teec nos pos mountain....... blue mountain.........ute mountain......... and alittle farther past ute mountain you can.......black sheep mountian... one of our four sacred mountain........oh how lonely it is there......... there is nothing better then "mother's home"........ as i walk back home.........its almost night....... i can hear that the generator has been started for the night........ with the mix of barking dogs at home....... then i see that we have a guest..... its my grandma oldman........ hear her laugh warms me from the inside/out........seeing her twinkle in her eye..... i see a kindred spirit............. as much as loving......... there is no hateful bone in her body......... maybe thats why i love her like i love my grandmother.............. seeing my mom laugh....... i know that she is happy......... as the rest of my family enjoy watching " happy feet".............. while my dad sits at the table doing his crossword puzzle.......with a cup of coffee at his hand.......... as i smell the air i smell the burning of wood that has just started...... along with the swift smell of fresh brewed coffee.......... the laughter of a happy family is my mothers doing...... we each have a peice of her in us...... and the smartness of us is my fathers doing as well as strictness...... the happiness of my family is at "mother's home"........

Dear God, I Ask you to send an angel maybe more then just one to watch over my beloved cousin......whom i love dearly more then any other......for he is a good, great, awsome person that i have made part of my life.......please i ask you please do not take him from us...i know he is an angel...truely he is.....he has saved me from myself and made me realize that life can be greater then it is now......he has made me see life in a different persective......and that i have done a thousand wrongs but he made me see it as lessons that has to be learned from.......that everyone makes mistakes in there lives...more then once...he has told me that life is very precious...and that it is up to me to spend it the way i want to.....told me that i can be the greatest person that i can be.....and that it was okay to cry when you want to.....when your happy, sad, mad, confused, and hurt or depressed...... i know that he is doing good by protecting our freedom.....but why is it that the ones we love always leave first and ......have to prove to the world that they are the ones that are doing good...please send him as much angels as you possibly can to watch and protect him.....i know that if i was an angel that i would be there for him and his family....even if it meant to die the second time...........i'll try my best to pray for him....to be ok and that if he leaves to protect our freedom....let him come back safely....to his family that loves him......i will cry each day.....till he returns..... i know that you sent him....to be my gaurdian angel..when i was in the worst time of my life.....really if it wasn't for him then i would be truely DEAD.....so i thank you for him...and watch over him and his family that he has developed...... AMEN THIS IS MY COUSIN "MARCUS PERRY ETCITTY" HE JUST LEFT FOR THE MARINES OVER CHRISTMAS....AND I WILL MISS HIM TRUELY MISS HIM HE MADE ME LAUGH MORE THEN ANY OTHER PERSON HAS MADE ME LAUGH.....
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America the beautiful, America the land of the free, America the home of the brave..... These words flow to me like an Enchated spell.... Realizing that if the enemy haves Victory..... America can and have its lost...... But she will grow stronger and strike back with vengence and not with hatred..... Knowing that America will show her enemies that She can also have her Victory..... And that the enemies will soon realize and know That they too can have thier lost...... America has suffered with each war, depression, and evil that some people do..... But with each suffering she grew stronger, Stronger than before.... Now she is ready, ready to surprise the enemy..... But just remember that.... America is America... America will always be the beautiful..... The land of the free....and of course.. The home of the Brave.... Always and forever...... This is to all the troops that are away and far...I too have loved ones over the sea.....to them i will always love you..... By: Nellsandra.... Amazing Grace

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to my grandmother.........i never thanked you for all that you have done for me......you are my angel from up above..... that comes down when i really need you.....you showed me love and respect......you supported me when noone else did.....i remember the stories that you told me...even though i didn't really understand you but my heart did......you made me realize that life is worth living for......that someday i will find love......to find a man that will love me for me.....and you have showed me where to find him...i want to thank you for him.....you told me that is ok to be with him.....because you know he needs me......you knew that he won't hurt me...you knew he will love me for me.....and that you saw that he needed love.....so you lead me to him.....you knew that i could show him unconditional love.....but i miss u soo much.....that i have tried to take my own life to be with you...to be there by your side.......but you have told me that i can't come with you that i will be with you when it is time...... to my unlce....whom i love soo dearly.....Evertt...i know that you have a daughter that we all love....and will do anything for.....to help her with anything...she needs....i wanna thank you for showing me that love can be for anyone and anything......but to have respect for your parents.....even the wrongs they have done in there life......reflects upon you.....only you can choose if you wanna forget and forgive......you have showed me how to be strong....at any given time....things can happen unexpectedly........ ......to my uncle.....whom miss dearly.....nelson..i never knew you that much because i was just alittle girl.....but i feel the pain as others feel.....not knowing who you are i feel that you are with me everyday watching...you have showed me that even you can love someone that you never knew.....and that you can feel others pain.....and cry when you want to to be there for one another...and never give up on them......you have also showed me that love and support from family to family, person to person.....can mean alot to one another........ ....to my unlce wilson....that i miss soo dearly....you have showed me that having fun is a part of life......you can have fun til however you want it to last.....but for you it was everyday....you showed me to make each day count as fun.....that you can at least have fun even on a gloomy day....you were always the funny one...but most caring.......i cry when i see your picture of your smiling face......holding your fun in your hands....passing it on to me......giving me the chance to feel the fun...... to a very good friend of mine that i have known for along time....Albert Mike Lee......we all miss you...you have left too early...you have showed me that sometimes life can be too short to live and not knowing what is going to happen next.......the day i heard that you left.....i cried for a whole week.....i miss you so much.....just remembering that morning before the day you left you got ice cream when it was hella cold out....and that you smiled and got shy when i said that it was too cold for ice cream and asked you if you were enjoying it.....lol.....i loved you...but i knew that i couldn't be with you because i was too young......you were the kind of guy that could treat a girl so right....i wanted to be that girl.....i cried my heart out for you....i..keep your picture with me......so i won't forget what kind of guy i want.......to see you standing there smiling.....brings tears to my eyes....i still wonder if we could have been together...cuz i knew that i loved you.....but you were taken away from me...that was one of the reasons why i tried to take my life was to be with you too.......to this day i still have my love for you........ to my recent lost that i still can't bare....to my loving cousin......Sherard Harvey....i have known not to long but it feels as though i have known you for a life time.....you have shown me that family is very important...but the one you love is put above the rest....that you would fight for your love....and not to take shit from others...and how to stand up for yourself and for others......i can still remember the birthday party that you have given me for my 21st birthday.....lol....i was so wasted.....but you took care of me....that you watched over me like a brother does...thats how i see you as a brother.....i love you....yet you too left too early........but i know you can still see your children grow up.....and that you are their gaurdian angel......and make sure that they don't do wrong....and to keep them from harm.....to this day i still cry.....the day i heard that you left i couldn't breathe....a feeling that i have felt more then once.....but to have you know that i miss you...... i have lost my grandmother who has taught me to be who i am....and that has shown me love and has lead me to my love..(yes thats you baby...JOSH....) i have lost 3 of my uncles....one that has shown me to respect my parents even if they have done alot of wrongs in their lives......that its not my job to judge..... another....that has showed me that even though the ones that you never knew....can have you feel that persons lost...and to show support to them when they need it.... my third uncle...he has showed me that life can have a part of fun in it as well....and that you can pass that fun on to another...no matter what kind of day it is.... i have lost a love...that i never told him how i felt...til it was too...late.....this told me that if you love someone to let them know because you never know that it can be the last of them you will ever see........ i have lost a dear cousin that has showed me that family is the most important prize that you can ever have...and its worth standing up for.....no matter what...and not to take shit from anyone else....... ....I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU AND MISS EVERYONE AND EACH OF YOU..... R.I.P: LUCILLE N. BEGAY EVERT N.BEGAY NELSON NOCKI WILSON N.BEGAY ALBERT MIKE LEE (I STILL LOVE YOU) SHERARD HARVEY